Christmas - Peace with Each Other

Christmas Eve 2008

Christmas: Peace with Each Other

by Rick Warren

Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God. Matthew 5:9 (KJV)

Once you make peace with God and have the peace of God in your heart, you’re able to make peace with other people. God says, “I want you to be a peacemaker. I want you to be a reconciler.” The Bible calls this “the ministry of reconciliation.”

As I’ve traveled from country to country over the past few years, I’ve seen the same problem – conflict. Between husbands and wives, between generations, ethnic groups, religious groups, language groups – between nations. The greatest need in our world is reconciliation. “Peace on earth, good will toward men.”

God says, “Once I have shown you grace, I want you to show it to other people. Show them the grace I have shown you. Be a peacemaker.”

Jesus said it like this. “Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God” (Matthew 5:9 KJV).
If you really know Christ the Prince of Peace, you’re going to be a peacemaker, not a troublemaker – at work, at home, or at school.
You’re going to build people up, not tear them down.
You’re going to compliment more than you criticize.
You’re going to love people the way Jesus loves people.

Christmas is the perfect time to show grace to other people because we’re reminded of the grace God has shown us – that he gives us what we need, not what we deserve.

So let me ask you a very frank question: Who do you need to restore a broken relationship with this Christmas? That’s the spirit of Christmas – “peace on earth, good will toward men.”
You say, “I can’t do it.” When families get together at Christmas, a lot of times it brings back a lot of bad memories and past hurts and things you just haven’t let go of. You say, “I can’t let go of it. They hurt me too bad. I can’t forgive them.”

You’re right. That’s why you need Jesus. You don’t have it in you to let it all go. That’s why you’re still holding onto it. You need to be filled with the love of Christ and the peace of Christ. Until that happens, you’re not going to have the ability to let it go.

This season....offer peace on earth and goodwill to men!

Merry Christmas!



© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved. Rick Warren is the founding pastor of Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, Calif., one of America's largest and best-known churches. In addition, Rick is author of the New York Times bestseller The Purpose Driven Life and The Purpose Driven Church, which was named one of the 100 Christian books that changed the 20th Century. He is also founder of Pastors.com, a global Internet community for ministers. Pastor Jon Walker is a writer for
http://www.gracecreates.com/.
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The Motive that Matters for all Colors!

Tammy and I had the pleasure of sharing with a wonderful group of leaders...servants...of Cookson Hills Christian Ministries this weekend. Cookson Hills offers help, hope, and healing to children and families, in crisis.

Our thanks to Rick Bayless, Executive Director, and Marvin L Gray, a mutual friend, for the opportunity to serve.

We asked for the ability to, in some way, strengthen and/or encourage the people of Cookson Hills in the work they do. We also prayed that we would be open to be taught of them, because of the deep admiration and respect we have for the excellent and enduring reputation of this wonderful organization.

Without a doubt the latter part of our prayer was answered.

For information about Cookson Hills, visit their website at http://www.cooksonhills.org/.

The men and women of Cookson Hills are people of character, who have chosen to invest their lives...their talents, their strengths, their core motives, in order to bless the lives of others.
Dr. Taylor Hartman often speaks and writes about "using your gifts to bless the lives of others." My understanding of that phrase was enriched as Tammy and I pondered and talked about the blessing of our time together with them.

No matter what your personality, your core color and it's motive, whether RED - Power, BLUE - Intimacy, WHITE - Peace, or YELLOW - Fun, our lives find their true meaning and value when we express them combined with the higher motives of service and love.

Charactered living is driven by service. Successful living is driven by love. These two motives are the essence of a life well lived. They are the "stuff" of leaving a lasting legacy.

Motive matters, no doubt.

May God continue to bless all the special people, associated in any way, with Cookson Hills Christian Ministries, by filling them with the fullness of who He is...always.

For all "Colors" on Red gift of "Vision"

In his book, The 7 Secrets of Successful Sales Management, author Jack D. Wilner defines vision as "innovating a purposeful, organized search for change."

Vision has elements of invention (WHITE), entrepreneurship and challenging adventure (RED), curiosity (YELLOW), and purpose (BLUE).

There is always an element of risk in vision.

Visionary REDS, and those who learn to take on this gift, are long term oriented. They don't think in terms of minutes or hours, they think in years and decades. Dr. Taylor Hartman writes in "The People Code", "Reds think and live 6 months out." REDS can see the future, because their core motive of "power", creates it!

Consider this: Reds can see the future as easily as whites clearly see what is right before them...and as naturally as blues see the potential pitfalls and the details needed to bring quality...and as instinctively as yellows, living outside the box, see ways to innovate existing realities. All the colors can, and should, work in harmony, each orchestrating their innate strengths and gifts to actualize the vision.

Ray Kroc had the vision to turn a west coast hamburger stand into billions of Big Mac Sales.

R.H. Macy had the vision that a square block of stores, all under one roof, could become the mightiest retail enterprise.

Henry Ford had the vision of building a 6 cylinder automobile engine.

The list goes on and on.

To paraphrase from Wilner, Companies... and people, who share in vision, do not stand in the way of the rainbow road that leads to the glorious pot of gold.

When people of vision, work for a visionary company, both know there is no limit to high acheivement.

Colors and Motive in Grandchildren

Color Code – Motive – and Children
Dr. Taylor Hartman teaches that our personality is innate…inborn…we came here with it, and…it is driven by a core motive. Your secondary color is the second most powerful influence in your personality.
Last week I had an experience that taught me about the power of motive in my 5 year old BLUE granddaughter, Ari, and my 6 year old BLUE grandson, Nate, and my 4 year old WHITE grandson, Eli. I will start with the boys.

Tammy and I had enjoyed a week with all 5 of our grandchildren, 3 boys, 2 girls. You see, the family took a vote and decided that I should fork over $400 to buy a Wii. (By the way…a Wii is pronounced Wee, and is an ingenious video arcade game that plays on your TV.) You can play all sorts of games with a Wii, like baseball, hockey, golf, tennis, bowling, and there is even an exercise program. ( I am staying away from that one!)
Bowling seems to be our family favorite game to play because everyone can participate, even the little ones.
I was having a great game while bowling with my grandson, Nate, a 6 yr. old BLUE. I had a spare and 2 strikes going. My best game ever! All of a sudden I noticed the TV screen. WHAT??? “Hey, where did the game go?” What happened, Nate?” (thinking yellow me had pushed a wrong button)
Nate’s response was... no response. I turned to my WHITE son-in-law, TJ and said, again, “What happened?” (T.J. is a typical WHITE TECHY kind of guy…brilliant…I knew he would have the answer)
"Nate reset the game." he replied, calmly.
“WHY????” “I was doing great!”
"Evidently he wasn’t." (T.J.'s response)
I turned to Nate and tried my best to reason with him, using logic, and disciplining him by making him sit out the next game. How do you think that worked with a BLUE?
There he sat, on the sofa…with a forlorn look on his face. Sad, very sad.
Trying to teach him a lesson, I started a new game of bowling, this time with his 4 year old little brother, Eli. Eli is a WHITE/RED so we thought!
Eli is also typical WHITE. Very good with high tech gadgetry. STRIKE…STRIKE…STRIKE! I became more engrossed in Eli’s rather amazing performance, than in my own. I was all excited and anticipating his fourth roll of the ball when I looked at the TV and guess what happened?
“What happened?”
“Reset again”, TJ said, calmly.
“WHY???!!!”, I exclaimed.
I turned to Nate who was still sitting on the sofa looking like he had just lost his best friend. “Did YOU reset that game too?” “Your little brother had 3 strikes in a row!”
“Guwwandad”, said Eli.
“What, Eli”, I replied, exasperated.
“I did it.”
“Why!!??” “You had a great game going.” “Why would you do that!?”
“Beecaauuse Nathan wanted to play with us”.

Ohhhhh….the strong influence of secondary color. Eli’s Mom had told me she thinks Eli’s secondary color is BLUE instead of RED. After seeing his willingness to sacrifice his own best interest for the good of his big brother, I am beginning to agree with her.
Amazing, simply amazing.

Coming up.....amazing insights into the BLUENESS of my grandaughter.

Kudos from Color Code International

Hey, guys.
This is Jeremy from the Color Code corporate offices.
I just wanted to let you know that I jumped on your blog today to take a look. I loved it!
Your dedication to Color Code and your students always impresses me. Anyone who attended a training course with you would be in very good hands.
If you ever need anything, please let us know.
As the Executive Director of Color Code International, I would enthusiastically endorse your team and your services to any company or individual thinking of hiring you.
You have earned my trust, respect, and admiration. I have known very few trainers who have achieved the level of effectiveness that you have.
Keep up the good work!

Very best of living,
Jeremy Daniel
Executive Director
Color Code International

A Hand in Glove (Blue married to Yellow) Conflict

One of our favorite times during Motive Training is taking time for participants to share Color Code Moments. Last week we enjoyed a story told by a couple we have grown to love and appreciate. (Names have been changed to protect the innocent...and not so innocent...ha ha.)

Carol is a wonderful BLUE woman with a long term marriage to her great YELLOW guy, Garrett.

Carol came home from work, her arms loaded with groceries that needed to be put away, before she fixed one of those delicious BLUE...quality, well thought out, and well prepared evening meals.

After enjoying dinner together, Garrett got up from the table and headed for his favorite Lazy Boy chair, while Carol cleared off the table and did the dishes. (in all likelihood :)

From his comfortable easy chair, Garrett hollered, "Where are those Cheez-its you bought?"

In "True Blue" fashion, Carol replied with a sense of moral correctness, "We just got up from the table. You don't need to eat those now. They are for a snack".

Yellow, fun loving, Garret replied, "I only ate one Sloppy Joe, so I could eat THEM! Where are they? I saw them when you unpacked them from the groceries."

"Garrett, those are for when I'm working and can't be here to cook for you. You can eat them...THEN!"

"I don't want to hear it"!!! (Garretts' response)

Silence ruled the remainder of the night...and all the next day...until Garrett shared this story with everyone at Motive Matters class that evening.

The rest of us in the room were laughing hysterically at an interpersonal conflict that didn't "feel" that funny at the time it was taking place in Carol and Garrett's home.

One of the great blessings of training Color Code and Motive is when couples begin to "get themselves", and are able to laugh at themselves. We are all rather funny when our "automatics" show themselves during everyday life.

As you know, I am a YELLOW married to a BLUE. I was laughing the most enthusiastically because I could SSOOOO identify with what had happened. BLUES often feel like they are called to teach the rest of us the "right"..."responsible"..."and most appropriate" manner in which life SHOULD be lived. Yellows just enjoy life in the moment. For a BLUE, it is just NOT appropriate...necessary...or healthy, to eat a snack after a good dinner. Blue Carol was probably feeling guilty that her homemade Sloppy Joes were, somehow, not good enough to satisfy her beloved's hunger. For a YELLOW, its just the thought of how gooood Cheez-its taste!!! As a matter of fact...now that I think about it....I'm gonna stop typing this blog, jump in my car and run down to Fastrip to get myself a pack of Cheez-its! Right now!!! :)

Do your work. Love well. Love you all. Thanks for sharing K & G! :)

Some REALLY good news from Motive Matters.com

Just about one year ago, my BLUE wife, Tammy, and I were discussing how we could afford to keep taking the relationship tool of The Color Code to hurting people who were struggling in their marriages. We had been through that struggle a few years ago, after 25 years together, and we considering calling it quits. We believe it was the grace of God that brought this tool that helped us understand ourselves and each other better. Having a basic love and respect for God, and knowing that He made us different, helped us to begin to love and respect those differences instead of having them drive us crazy.
We had sold our business 2 years ago with the a foggy understanding that there was something else for us to do. A change was on the way. We knew it, but we didn't know what is would look like. A friend called us one day, asking to help them in their troubled marriage. "What did you guys do?", was her question. When we hung up the phone, we looked at each other and said, "whew...if we are going to teach others what we did, we should get some more formal training in Color Code. Over the course of the next several months, we enrolled in a course taught by Dr. Taylor Hartman, author of The Color Code. We studied. Boy, did we study. We put almost everything else in our lives on hold. All our children knew Mom and Dad were on a project. They supported us, they understood, and helped us in ways that we deeply appreciate.
After completing our training and testing, we began to train others in free and open meetings. Our first was with a group of close friends from our home Bible Study group. These friends know who they are. They showed up faithfully each week for two hours over the course of an entire month. A special thank you to these friends. You taught us so much about training, and we will always be grateful.
We were living off our savings and learning a lot about serving and loving each other...and others. The reality was we were beginning to realize that a savings account is a finite thing. I was sorely tempted to go back to my car business to make ends meet.
Then we would get a phone call, or an email, about how this couple or that had been helped. One couple told us of how they had their court date set before they walked into the first session we were having at the Southwest Missouri Bank Community Center. We couldn't help but notice how cold, and locked up they acted toward each other that first night. During the second session, we noticed them occasionally laugh at each other. Then during the third session, they opened up and told the class about how their relationship was being helped, and how they understood each other for the first time in their marriage. After the final session, we watched as they walked hand in hand to their car. This was when we realized that we were training a tool that not only made a difference for us, but that was making a positive difference for others too! We knew we had to find a way to stay with it.
Tammy made a phone call to The Miami Nation of Oklahoma in December of 07. She talked to a wonderful BLUE named Tammy Lowery, a grant writer employed by the tribe. Tammy told her our story and Mrs. Lowery was inspired.
She called us about a month later and said, "I found a grant!!!"
Over the course of the next several months, the two Tammy's and others at the tribe worked tirelessly writing the application document for The Association of Native Americans who would fund selected projects under The President's Healthy Marriage Initiative.
The deadline date for project submission had come. March 29th, 3:30 P.M. At 2:30, the files began to be sent to Washington D.C. Then, at 3:00 those files began to return to Miami OK. They were NOT COMPATIBLE... having been sent on a "Vista" operating computer. Tami Lowery assembled a staff of 10 dedicated souls who scrambled to their feet and began to convert the files and re-send them. Miraculously, they arrived in D.C., but they were eight minutes late. Mrs. Lowery was devastated. She had gone without sleep for two days. She knew that government deadlines are government deadlines. She was sure the project arrived DOA.
To the best of our ability we encouraged her to trust God. We thanked her for her selflessness, and self sacrifice, her hard work and dedication. We placed the project in God's hands, as best we knew how.
Late in July Tami called and said she had received a phone call asking for some budgetary changes to be made in the grant proposal. We were perplexed, and cautiously hopeful that maybe Marriage Matters wasn't DOA. She received another email communication in August requesting further changes. And then a phone call in September requesting some more information.

Funding date was October 1, 2008. Tammy and I were in Brownsville TX with our daughter, son, and our grandsons, preparing for a Color Code Relationship Workshop at their church. It was Thursday morning about 9:30 AM, October 2. My Tammy said, "well, no news," "I'm guessing that means we didn't get it. Tami (Lowery) is probably miserable, not knowing how to tell us the news." I said, "I am going to send her an email and try to set her heart as ease."

Just then Tammy's cell phone rang. Tammy stared, frozen, looking at her phone....all she could say is, "It's Tami!" "Well, answer it!, I said.

"Is Van with you?"

"Get him on the phone."

"We GOT IT!!!"

Well, the celebration was on!

The bottom line is this. The Department of Health and Human services is investing $250,000 per year within a 50 mile radius of Miami OK to promote healthy marriages and responsible fatherhood. A large portion will be used to advertise healthy marriage through radio, tv, billboard and other means of advertising. Part of the grant is to fund 24 - eight hour Color Code Relationship Training Workshops per year, for the next three years. Motive Matters is partnering with The Miami Tribe of Oklahoma to help keep marriages and families together by training the principles of Motive and The Color Code.

We feel privileged and humbled to participate in this journey of helping people. Please pray that we will do an excellent job, and people will be helped along their journey.

Thank you, to all of you who have helped and supported this work. Blessings to you!

Resolving conflict by understanding needs and wants

Remember, the number ONE enemy of successful relationships is selfishness.
Is my life about getting or giving. (Getting my own emotional needs and wants met, or serving the needs and wants of others in my life)

Here is a real life example of a "Motive Moment" in our lives. I believe it is an example of relationship brilliance on the part of my wife, Tammy.

Here is the scenario:

Tammy's brother, Darren, works in Force Protection at The Pentagon in Washington D.C. We get to see him about twice a year. He and his family were at Tammy's other brother, Russ's house in Mount Vernon, MO. We were going to his house for a fare-well get together before Darren flew back to D.C. the following day.

Our 17 year old daughter, Stef is a WHITE. We had told her she could drive herself to Mt. Vernon after volleyball practice at 6:00 oclock.

Well....as sometimes happens in the life of a YELLOW, I was running late, and instead of Tammy and me leaving for Mt. Vernon at 4:00 oclock, we found ourselves leaving in the middle of a thunderstorm at 5:30. Tammy said, "I hate for Stef to have to drive on the interstate highway in this weather." I said, "with gas prices so high, it is ridiculous for us to take 2 cars when we are leaving 30 minutes apart." We decided to see if we could get Stef excused a little early from practice and have her ride with us.

Any of you who have teenage kids will appreciate how well that plan went over. As a white, she was looking forward to being by herself and independently driving to Mt. Vernon. I informed her that we needed her to get her stuff and drive home so we could leave ASAP.

She replied, sternly, "Well, I'm gonna tell you right now that I AM going to take a shower before we leave. I am sweaty and a mess! I am going to shower at home before we go!"

"See you at home", was my response.

Tammy obviously did not want to wait for Stef to shower. She said "how are we going to convince her to shower when we get to Russ's house. I want to go see my brother!"

Being YELLOW WITH secondary RED, and being a bit stressed by the whole thing, I replied in my determined, authoritative, husband, father, head of the house way...."Just TELL HER DAD SAID!"

Stef pulled up and got out of her car and started into the house. I watched as Tammy met her in the driveway and exchanged a few words with her. About 2 minutes later, Stef hurried to the car with a bag of clothes and off we went to Mt. Vernon. I expected my daughter to be angry and bitter. But NO! She was actually pleasant and conversed with us as we drove.

Only later, did I ask Tammy, "what did you say to her?"

"I said, Stef, if you would take a shower when we get to Russ's house, I could spend 30 minutes more with my little brother who is leaving for Washington D.C. in the morning."

Stef had thought about it for a couple of seconds and simply relied, "OK."

Tammy spoke the language of white to Stefany. LOGIC.

As a family,...the three of us...we had a great night together. If we had taken MY old approach, it would most likely turned out quite different.

I am so proud of Tammy's Color Code brilliance. She served Stef's needs and wants by being calm, soft spoken with some firmness, but very logical. She didn't try to force her way on Stef. She allowed Stef to be who she is and make a good decision logically, without mean harsh words having to be spoken.

This was a great lesson in the power of knowing what makes us tick, and using that knowledge and understanding to speak the language of the other person, thereby CREATING successful relationship.

Our needs and wants drive us too!

Continuing thoughts on conflict resolution:

So…back to needs and wants of the colors.
How can your needs and wants get in the way of creating and sustaining successful relationships?
First of all, do you know your needs and wants? In your comprehensive analysis you will find the needs and wants of your primary and secondary colors. You may find a mixture of these needs and wants that are most important to you. “Humble up”, and honestly “get” your own needs and wants. This is part of First Base in the game of life, “Get Yourself”.
Your driving core motive is just that. It is the innermost impulse to action. The most powerful influence in your personality. Needs and wants come from the core of the motive. They also drive you to a significant degree.
I’ll give you an innocent little example in my own life. Yesterday, I was standing beside a house we are selling that was in need of some repair on the duct work. My friend, and fellow Color Coder, Ken Anderson is a contractor and was doing some of the other work that needed to be done. When it came to the heating and air duct work, HE said to me, “I think you might be better off to call someone who is a professional on that kind of work.” While we stood there...Ken, Tammy, and me…I called my friend Steve, who is a Heat and Air Repairman. I said to him, “Ken and I are standing here trying to figure out what to do on this and I said, why don’t I just call a professional?”
Ken and Tammy looked at each other with puzzled looks and then began to snicker to each other. When I hung up my phone, I said, “What are you laughing about?” Tammy said, “YOU didn’t say, let’s call a professional, KEN did!” “You are so yellow, you just want to look good to Steve!” She was right. (As a side note…my first inclination was to defend myself and explain why I did it, again...to look good. But the truth was she was RIGHT! Someone once said, “as soon as you begin to defend yourself, you cease to seek the truth”.
So, we all had a good laugh, and thanked God that we know Color Code!

POINT: My yellow need to “look good” automatically drove my behavior to misstate the facts. Innocent as it was, that IS what happened. How are your needs and wants driving some of your behavior?

REDS: Do you find yourself arguing with people all the time because of your need to be right and look good intellectually?
BLUES: Do you find yourself lecturing people all the time about how life should be lived because you have a need to be good morally, or your need to be understood?
WHITES: Do you find yourself retreating from discussing your feelings with people because of your need to be independent and have your own space?
YELLOWS: Do you find yourself lacking commitment and follow-through because of your need for freedom?

POINT TO PONDER: How are MY needs and wants blocking me in creating relationships?

More to come…stay tuned.

I was wrong.

Last week, during a Motive Matters/Color Code class on relationships, Tammy and I shared a couple of examples of what, at the time, were serious conflicts from from our marriage relationship. Harsh words had been spoken, feelings were hurt, negative emotions were activated, insecurities showed themselves plainly. We were doing what all couples do…fighting.
During the class, someone asked, “So, how do get over it…how do you resolve it…what do you do when you are both mad, and hurt, wounded and both of you have your feet dug in, aggressively defending your positions?”
GREAT QUESTION!
Over the course of the next several blogs, I will share some of the things Tammy and I have learned to do. Some of these are “processes”, and some are “techniques”.
All of them add up to “skills” or “competencies” of one sort or another. They usually fall into the category of Emotional Intelligence (EI) skills, or Communication skills. The good news is, everyone reading this can learn to develop a skill set of your own. You may be weak and uncomfortable with EI and communicating feelings, like I was…but ALL OF US can improve!
Motive matters, a lot! Let’s start with motive, and needs and wants. (Be sure you know your own needs and wants from your core and secondary colors.)
Needs and wants are different from gifts and strengths. Whether your heart’s motive is clean or dirty, will often cause your needs and wants to create a wall that blocks successful inter-personal relationship.
Dr. Taylor Hartman says, “In my experience there are really only two motives that drive people; fear and love.”
William Young, in his brilliant Best Seller, “The Shack”, writes about the two choices we humans often make that cause us so much pain, hurt, and block us in our relationship with God and each other; selfishness and independence.
In my experience, I have found, when the motive of my heart is fear based…THAT is when I most often make choices that are selfish and independent.
When I open myself to be motivated by the power of love, I am much more secure within my own self. I am more secure in my two brains…my thinking brain, and my emotional brain. I am infinitely more capable of “owning” my own shortcomings and failures and admitting to them.
People who are secure, and motivated by love are empowered to utter those rare but beautiful, healing words, “I was wrong”. In his book, “Sandcastles”, Taylor Hartman writes, “You must be willing to be wrong sometimes. And in order to be wrong, you have to know you are still a legitimate and worthy human being. The person, who doesn’t feel he/she is intrinsically worthy, is always the most insecure party in conflict communication. The weakest link controls the relationship”.
The opposite of humility is insecurity. Always be checking yourself for defensive behavior. Defensiveness is the tip off that insecurity is as work. Fear and insecurity go hand in hand.
Taylor reminds us, “Secure people SEEK feedback from others.” During those times when this feedback is not perceived by you as being positive, remember…secure people genuinely respond by saying, “Thank you.”
Ponder these thoughts. Pray about them. Seek love. It is the highest motive for living a charactered life. More to come....

Make it last for a lifetime.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING TO LAST FOREVER, YOU TREAT IT DIFFERENTLY. IT IS SPECIAL…BECAUSE YOU HAVE MADE IT SO.
IF YOU WERE GOING OUT TO BUY A CAR TODAY…WHICH CAR WOULD YOU BUY?
If YOU WERE GOING OUT TO BUY A CAR TODAY…AND YOU KNEW IT WOULD BE THE ONLY CAR YOU WOULD EVER BUY, AND IT WOULD NEED TO LAST YOU A LIFE TIME…WHICH CAR WOULD YOU BUY?
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY….HOW WOULD YOU TREAT THAT ONE AND ONLY CAR, IF YOU KNEW IT HAD TO LAST YOU A LIFETIME?
1. YOU WOULD KEEP IT CLEAN.
YOU WOULD WASH IT, INSIDE AND OUT. IF YOU SPILLED SOMETHING ON THE CARPET, YOU WOULD SHAMPOO IT OUT SO IT DIDN’T BEGIN TO STINK, OR WORSE, ROT. IT WOULD BE A PRIORITY.

2. YOU WOULD CHANGE THE OIL, RIGHT ON TIME, KNOWING THAT CLEAN OIL IS THE LIFE OF THE ENGINE. IT WOULD BE A PRIORITY.
.
3. YOU WOULD CHECK THE WATER AND ANTI-FREEZE REGULARLY, KNOWING THIS IS WHAT MAINTAINS AND REGULATES THE TEMPERATURE OF THE ENGINE IN THE HEAT OF JULY AND THE BITTER COLD OF JANUARY. IT WOULD BE A PRIORITY.
4. YOU WOULD PUT IT IN THE GARAGE EVERY NIGHT TO KEEP IT PROTECTED FROM THE ELEMENTS. IT WOULD BE A PRIORITY.
5. YOU WOULD PERFORM PREVENTIVE MAINTENANCE ON A REGULAR BASIS. YOU WOULDN'T WAIT FOR SOMETHING TO BREAK, LIKE A TIMIMG BELT, WHICH WOULD BNED AND BREAK LOTS OF OTHER STUFF IN THE ENGINE. IT WOULD BE A PRIORITY.

IN SHORT, IF YOU KNEW THIS CAR HAD TO LAST A LIFETIME, YOU WOULD TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT.
SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS MIGHT MAKE FUN OF YOU, OR EVEN CHASTISE YOU FOR BEING SO FINICKY ABOUT IT. THEY WOULD TELL YOU IT IS SILLY TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON A CAR. THEY MIGHT SAY, “I JUST DRIVE THE WHEELS OFF MY CAR, THEN I TRADE IT IN FOR ANOTHER ONE”. “YOU ARE CRAZY; NO ONE DRIVES A CAR FOR LIFE!”

NOW, WHAT IF I APPROACHED MY MARRIAGE WITH THE FRAME OF MIND; "THIS IS MY ONE AND ONLY MARRIAGE. IT WILL NEED TO LAST ME FOR A LIFETIME."
HOW WOULD I TREAT IT?
A LOT DIFFERENT, I SUPPOSE.

1. I WOULD KEEP OUR MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP CLEAN, INSIDE AND OUT.
LIFE HAS A WAY OF DEPOSITING IT’S DIRT, GRIME, AND ROAD FILM ON OUR RELATIONSHIPS AND ON US. AND WE ALL STEP IN GREASE ON OCCASION OR SPILL SOMETHING STICKY ON EACH OTHER UNINTENTIONALLY. (A RUDE OR SARCASTIC COMMENT) UNCLEANLINESS IN A MARRIAGE CAN BE ANYTHING FROM AN AFFAIR, OR PORNOGRAPHY, TO UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS, AND SELFISHNESS.
KEEPING MY MARRIAGE CLEAN REQUIRES SOME DETAIL WORK. I NEED TO KEEP MY HUMILTY SOAP AND MY HUMBLE VACUUM CLEANER IN GOOD WORKING ORDER. KEEP IT CLEAN. IT IS A PRIORITY.
2. REMEMBER; MARRIAGE IS A 3 WAY PARTNERSHIP. I NEED TO KEEP THE OIL OF GLADNESS, THE OIL OF HEALING, THE OIL OF ANNOINTING, CLEAN AND FRESH. CLEAN OIL KEEPS DOWN THE FRICTION OF MOVING PARTS, YOU KNOW. IT IS A PRIORITY.
3. I NEED TO CHECK THE WATER AND THE ANTI-FREEZE. I NEED TRUTH TO REIGN IN EMOTIONS AND STAY REGULATED. NOT TO HOT…NOT TOO COLD. A GENTLE WORD OF AFFECTION THAT BUILDS SECURITY AND TRUST WHEN IT GETS HOT…AND A LITTLE ROMANCE WHEN IT STARTS GETTING COLD.
4. I WOULD PLACE MY MARRIAGE IN A SAFE, PROTECTED PLACE AT NIGHT. GOING TO SLEEP ANGRY LEAVES THE RELATIONSHIP EXPOSED TO ALL KINDS OF DAMAGING ELEMENTS. THE WINDS OF RESENTMENT, THE HAIL OF BITTERNESS, THE SLEET OF DISCONTENT. THE SAFEST PLACE FOR MY MARRIAGE IS IN THE GARAGE OF RE-TURNING TOWARD EACH OTHER, FORGIVENESS, AND GRACE. IT IS A PRIORITY.
5. I WOULD MAKE TIME TO GROW MY MARRIAGE BY SPENDING TIME WITH MY WIFE AT A MOVIE, OR DINNER, OR A GOOD COLOR CODE MEETING. RENEW THE BASICS OF COMMITTMENT, SHARING FEELINGS, LISTENING, HOLDING HANDS, PRAYING TOGETHER. KEEP IT IN GOOD SHAPE, NOT WAITING UNTIL SOMETHING BREAKS. IT IS A PRIORITY.

YESTERDAY, I ATTENDED A FUNERAL. I WATCHED AS A WIDOW OF A 52 YEAR MARRIAGE, RAISED HER RIGHT HAND IN WORSHIP OF HER HEAVENLY FATHER WHO HAD BLESSED HER WITH A LIFE LONG RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, HER HUSBAND. THE VALUE OF LIFETIME MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIP WAS RENEWED WITHIN MY MIND AND HEART. I AM SURE THEY HAD THEIR DIFFICULTIES, AND TIMES WHEN IT SEEMED IMPOSSIBLE TO GET ALONG, BUT IN THE LONG RUN, THEY CHOSE TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF EACH OTHER.
AND IN THE END, I AM REMINDED, ONCE AGAIN; WHEN IT IS ALL SAID AND DONE, LIFE IS ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

The Cracked Pot

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water, at the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house." The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Romans 26-28 (Message Bible) Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

To all our cracked pot friends....bless you!

Moving empathy to sympathy

em·pa·thy (µm“p…-th¶) n. 1. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.
sym·pa·thy (s¹m“p…-th¶) 1.a. A relationship or an affinity between people or things in which whatever affects one correspondingly affects the other. b. Mutual understanding or affection arising from this relationship or affinity.

The third skill of EI (Emotional Intelligence) is Empathy, the ability to feel what others are feeling.
Just knowing that you have that capacity can change your relationship life. You must develop this skill in order to move to the fifth skill of EI which is “The art of managing emotions in others…the art of relationships.”
Empathy and sympathy are related words, but there is a difference that is significant.
Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, reminds us that we are instructed to be sympathetic. (Col. 3.12) Sympathy is like empathy on steroids. It is good to be empathetic, it is better to be sympathetic. Empathy is like knowledge, sympathy is like empathy with legs. Empathy acknowledges the feelings of another, sympathy moves you to be “affected” by the acknowledgment of those feeling and to share the joy or the burden of those feelings in what we call fellowship and relationship.
Warren writes, “Sympathy meets two fundamental human needs: the need to be understood and the need to have your feelings validated.”
“Every time you understand and affirm someone’s feelings, you build fellowship. The problem is that we’re often in such a hurry to fix things that we don’t have time to sympathize with people. Or we’re preoccupied with our own hurts. Self-pity dries up sympathy for others.”
Being in a hurry (RED), or self centeredness (YELLOW), or being reluctant (WHITE) will ruin opportunities in which you can DEVELOP your number 3 and 5 skills of Emotional Intelligence.
We should be reminded that each and every time we practice a skill of EI, neural pathways are created and expanded. In simple terms, if you are learning to be a good listener, every time you stretch and do the hard work of paying attention to what someone else is saying, you physiologically become a better listener. It gets easier!
The higher motive of charactered living that moves empathy to sympathy and relationship is love.

Red (female) White (male) RESPECT

Respect in a Red (female) – White (male) Relationship

When a red does something, they look for respect. When a white does something, they look for respect. So how can two logical colors who desire the same thing be at such odds? The answer may lie in their secondary colors, but you can often find it when you look deeper into their core motives. Reds are so productive, moving from A to B, demanding the respect along the way, and then moving on to the next project. Whites have the clarity to step back and determine what is the right decision rather than just simply making one to make one, but will also take into consideration what makes them feel best inside and what creates the least friction. They too want respect, but they will not ask for it. Instead, they will be more resistant to offering their clear perspective on the Red’s next project, playing the passive-aggressive role that drives Reds nuts until they either get the respect they want or realize in their seemingly infinite clarity that their performance on the Red’s next project is more important than waiting around for that respect that may never come. However, don’t forget that this trade-off still adds to the bag that Whites carry with them wherever they go. The Red may continue to get what they want, but this will not last if they don’t stop and realize that theirs is not the only agenda.

This may seem to be a fairly common combination in today’s society where the male is the dominant partner and the female is the submissive one. But what happens when the woman is the Red and the man is White? The answer as we have heard before is that personality is not gender-specific. In one particular relationship that I know like this, the Red woman is in fact the one earning the income, moving from A to B, staying busy, and getting things done. The White shows his appreciation and perhaps being the best one to understand how she needs respect since he does too, but somehow he feels like he does not get that same respect reciprocated back to him. It is not the Red wife’s intention to be hurtful or domineering in any way, nor necessarily even an attempt to try to defy societal gender stereotypes, but rather to show her love and appreciation for their partner and family by staying productive and financially providing for them. Don’t mistake this for Blue martyrdom, because it is really the intense and unmatchable focus of a Red who loves a good challenge.

Unfortunately the White can feel left in the Red’s wake, standing there with their arms stretched out to the sides as if to sarcastically say “Ummm, you’re welcome!?” or “OK, I did for you, now what about me?” The Red takes what they need, offers a simple yet often seemingly non-heartfelt thank you, and moves on. If the White has any secondary blue, he immediately recognizes the lack of true emotion, and will sit stubbornly at point A until the Red turns back and hastily tries to pick up after herself, or the White’s logic takes back over and realizes that getting to point B and moving on is more important at that moment than his emotion that just popped up. No one ever really notices it, but now the White doesn’t feel good inside. They may reluctantly keep moving forward, but again do not mistake this for Blue martyrdom. This is still one of the major downfalls of Whites because not only will they constantly feel disrespected, put down, and bad inside, but when the Red does this enough times and fills the White’s bag, he is bound to explode. And we all know what an unpleasant thing that is, even for a Red.

When the White realizes that he has no time to stop and passive-aggressively wait for that ever-so-needed respect, he will set his emotions and his agenda aside and once again “take one for the team”. The Red doesn’t realize it, but they can doubly add to the White’s bag in this situation. In their desire to always be right they often will try to one-up the White and shove it in their face that they were right and that he just needs to fall in line and do what she says. Instead of taking advantage of this opportunity to hear the White out and at the very least offer them the respect of their opinion, the Red has a tendency to stomp it out, or even if they do give the White five seconds to give their perspective, they simply tune it out and think of what they will say in response instead of listening. The White is stuck between a rock and a hard place because he knows that giving in to a Red is not always the best option, but at the same time he knows that it will keep the wheels greased at the expense of feeding her Red ego.

So how does one solve this dilemma? Well as the Color Code teaches, we all must strive to become more charactered individuals and stretch beyond our core color’s comfort zones by acting in our own strengths and in the strengths of the other colors. If the Red will make an effort to slow down at times and make the White more comfortable in their own skin while showing them the same respect that they want, they will help to lighten the White’s bag and make them much more apt to helping the Red get things done and do them more efficiently. On the flip side, if the White will make an effort to speed up at times and help the Red by eliminating the unnecessary emotion from important decisions, they will relieve some of the stress on the Red to get things done and allow the Red to either move on to the next project or give them a chance to stop and recharge their batteries so that they can keep moving. As in any relationship there must be a fair amount of both give and take. In the Red-White relationship, no matter who is what gender, there can often be a lot of White giving and Red taking. But if they can each make a conscious effort to create more of a balance in this flow, their clairvoyant power makes them perhaps the most diplomatically productive combination you will ever see.

When is the mission accomplished?

Blue Tammy has just returned from 4 days in Tulsa with our 16 year old white daughter Stefany attending Fellowship of Christian Cheerleaders. (Now that’s an organization we should all be members of!)
While she was gone, my secondary Red influenced me to get a lot of “stuff” done around the house. I layed bricks on our porch that had succumbed to the winter freeze and broken off. I cut and trimmed all the grass. I trimmed trees. I made the bed…big deal for yellow…cleaned the kitchen…bigger deal for yellow…even did a load of laundry…borders on miracle for yellow man. Tammy and I were both pretty tired and spent when she arrived home about 5:00 o’clock Thursday.
Friday morning while relaxing on the deck she says, “You kinda hurt my feelings yesterday”. “I did?”…How?...please tell me”.
“I started to show you pictures from camp, and tell you all about the wonderful time of connection I had with our daughter and all the girls, and you seemed disinterested”. “It made me feel unimportant”.
Motive Moment…She really did appreciate all the “things” I had done around the house, she did praise me for all my work! But in the end, as a Blue she “needed” to be understood, accepted, and appreciated. She needed some of my undivided attention, listening from my heart, to what she was feeling in her heart.
Reds love you by doing and providing. Blues NEED connection from the heart.
A RED once asked me, “When do you get to the place where a blue feels understood…like mission accomplished”. I replied, “When do you Reds feel like you’ve been respected enough, so the rest of us can feel like mission accomplished?”
Needs and wants are 24-7-365. Creating successful relationships is a journey of a lifetime. An exciting journey, full of wonder.

You may make a Blue feel understood at 9:00 o’clock, but guess what, they will still need to be understood at 9:15. The needs and wants of the rest of the colors work the same way.

We see life different. Good relationships happen when we make life about the other person, speak their language, and serve their needs and wants in love.

Call me WHITE, because I am.

My Dearest Tammy and Van,
I have to thank you and color code. I went to a wedding today for someone that was a friend while I was in high school. Her whole family was a big part of my life growing up. I just wanted you to know that prior to color code I would have talked myself out of going. Call me white because I am. I definitely allowed my fears to keep me from others. I have not always been this way. I was very outgoing in high school but I have allowed events in my life to build a wall of fear to contain me. I used my responsibilities of family life to keep me from experiencing life as an individual. I have truly missed all the people that were very dear to me while I was growing up. I can't quite describe the feeling. I had to overcome some fears of inadequacies to enjoy my life and to serve others. How rude of me to withhold myself from the people that were so much a part of my young life.

I wish the evening could have lasted a little longer. Goodnight.

Developing Character

Developing character (learning to embrace and learn the strengths and gifts of colors outside your core color) is hard work. And, it can be scary. Trust me, I can DO Yellow...no problem. But finishing something I start...doing the job with the best quality...remembering where I put my car keys...at times seems impossible.
This is what I have decided to do. This is what I tell myself, "Don’t wait to feel powerful or confident. Move ahead in your weakness, doing the right thing in spite of your fears and feelings. This is how you cooperate with your desire to grow, and it is how your character develops."

STAY THE COURSE!

Remember your personality and your automatics are very strong and we easily fall back into the ruts we are used to traveling in life. The work of stretching outside our comfort zone (our rut) is hard work and requires our determination, our desire, our self control and our conscious decision to CHOOSE the charactered path.

Life is all about creating great relationships. The three gifts for the journey, HUMILITY, COURAGE, AND GRACE, will help you as you continue to walk in the HIGHER MOTIVES of SERVICE AND LOVE! Continue to do your work and remain 100% responsible for creating and sustaining a good relationship with all the people in your life.

Color Code and Motive Training is not a quick fix, it is a new way of seeing life, seeing ourself, and seeing others. It is a wonderful tool that will help you as you “do life!” When you are serving others by meeting their needs and wants, by living in your strengths, and by making the ultimate motive in your life….LOVE, your relationships will grow and you will create a lasting legacy of great relationships, and a life well lived!

I KNOW that as you begin to value and appreciate the wonderful gifts of the people in your life… as you begin to understanding that people see, hear, and feel life differently,….when you begin to focus on the wonderful strengths others bring to your relationships….and as you learn to identify and defy your automatic “wall building” behaviors,…. YOU WILL, as Van and I did, begin to reap the rewards of a GREAT MARRIAGE and GREAT RELATIONSHIPS!

Bless you as you travel!

Thank you, MO DOMH!

Last week, Tammy and I, had the privilege of sharing the message of relationships based on Motive (The People Code / The Color Code) at Innsbrook MO to the Executive Team, Commissioners, and Staff of the Missouri Department of Mental Health at their annual retreat.

Tammy and I were so impressed by their professionalism, their courtesy and willingness to participate, and their character.

It was a special opportunity to share our experiences of how the understanding of Motive, helped Tammy and I restore, create, and sustain our marriage relationship. These people have developed successful careers, are tops in their respective fields, and give of themselves to help and heal hurting and broken people every day. Being among people of such credentials reminded us that our greatest credential for training relationships is our own failures.

A special "Thank you" to the men and women of The Missouri Department of Mental Health.

The truth is we all struggle, from time to time, with relationships. We must never underestimate the power of committment to see us through challenging times. Love, the feeling, almost always follows love, the choice and behavior. Stay the course...work...stretch...serve...and love well. The reward found in relationship is the gift of the essense of "Life" itself. Life is all about relationships!

A new member of our Family!

Life is all about relationships.

Today, my sister Susie (Core Blue with secondary Yellow) taught us just how true that statement is. Susie recently spent a week in Africa serving and loving people. While there she met Didier. Didier (pronounced Didyay) is 22 years old and has been an orphan most of his life. His life was spared, as a child, by hiding under the dead bodies of his parents after they were slaughtered by rebels in this most troubled part of the world.

Didier and Susie created a relationship. He asked if he could be her son. Would she be his Mama? Of course Susie was pleased to say yes. So, I have a new nephew, and brother, in Africa.

This is an email he wrote to his new Mama yesterday. It is a MUST READ, and speaks volumes about what the ultimate MOTIVE for living…LOVE…and LIFE is really all about. Thank you, Susie.

Dear Mama,
I first of all inform you that I am well satisfied of the whole labour than on my behalf, Mama; I don't know how I can show my gratefulness in the short letter as such. I feel your affection, love in my heart. I saw the picture of my whole family and I was very pleased. You will tell to all tat I love them so much. I a planning one day to see them. I have faith in God that one day I will be with them. Mama don’t be afraid I will obey you in my all student an professional life. I will follow all your advices. I will accept all your calling in term of need. You are the person I love so much though the far distance I am with you in spiritual realms even in my all thoughts. You can’t have a sleep because of me who is your son, I will never stop thinking *g about your contacts that you had became of the parenthood towards me. It will be a very big history to generation and generations, In Africa an in USA. I accept that it was at the last minutes that we let its was God Plan. Be sure and conscientious that I have all my confidence in you. That is why I have accepted to tell you all secret that are inside me. The Lord chose you to be my mother and my family. I will never fear nothing. I have faith that I will be a man who will represent you in Africa. Because I do not have any other member in Africa. I love you so well. I will write to entire family to whom you gave me the emails address and I will reserve copies to you.
Thank you, I will follow all you told me regarding my family.
You will read in the Bible in Ruth 1:16, 17,18
Your family is my family regarding God and You. I keep wait the package that you sent me. Would you send me your photo, together with Daddy so that I may be able to identify you well. Mama, I want to talk to you something wonderful which I did not live in Africa, Mama, at my current age, I have 22 years, I never seen or hear people saying about my grand parents in Africa. There is no, any history about them. Today I get my parents in USA. Ooh! Glory be to God. God who spared me to the terrific war, he wants to slow me the wonders of this world. I will glorify you in my all life. I will never hide all that you are showing me. I will testify it in the whole world. I will embrace them, here I say on my grand parents, grant mother and grand daddy BENSON. Mum, tell them that I need to see their picture and if they can tell me in short about their story or if they have written any book, they can send me a copy. It will help me to know them spiritually, historically and physically. Mama, tell them that I have said that they are the blessed people as Abraham as they reach this age. At the moment I telling I am also blessed to get my parents in the USA, Mama tell them that I wish them good health forever. I am attached to them, I thank them or having sent me things which will support my studies.
May the Lord bless them.
Please excuse me because I replied in late.
Thank you
May God bless you
Your son
Didier

Oh, the wonder of secondary colors!

Van, I made a comment during your Motive Matters class tonight and you asked me to post it on your blog. Being blue, I didn't forget, so here goes:

My husband is yellow with less than 1/2 percentage point to his secondary color, which is blue. As a result, he carries grudges but does not remember what it's about. After I made my comment tonight, my husband leaned over and said to me: "Consequently, I'm often in emotional pain and honestly can't tell you why!" Have fun with this one!

Thank you to all the men and women who have paid and are paying the price for us to enjoy freedom today with our families. As you laugh today, hug today, play today….with every bite of those charbroiled hot dogs…be thankful for the sacrifice of so many, who have given so much, for the cause of liberty. Freedom is not free.
Here is a link to a beautiful and thought provoking video created by my son Gregory Fish. Hope you enjoy it. Have a wonderful day of freedom.
http://www.sermonspice.com/videos/9347/freedom-is-not-free

30th Anniversary Celebration!

Last night was absolutely amazing!

Tammy and I were scheduled to do the final session of Motive Matters training with about 90 of the most beautiful people we have ever met. When the Pastor of Damascus Road Outreach, discovered it was our 30th Wedding Anniversary, he offered to postpone for a week so we could be together to celebrate.

“No way!”, we said. We had already talked and decided we couldn’t think of any place we would rather be, than with this group, training them in The Color Code, the very tool that helped us so much in the past 5 years.

At the beginning of the meeting, I opened the floor for anyone who wanted to share about how The Color Code had helped them. One after another they came to the microphone and told stories that humbled us so deeply. A Red mother who has come to understand her White teenage daughter. A White teenage daughter who is getting along so much better with her Red mom. A Yellow husband and Blue wife who have endured a lot of conflict in their marriage, who said they now understand each other and their life together is already sooooo much better. A Red Dad who has color coded all 5 of his children and is taking the time to connect with them individually.

Special thank you to Bonnie and Tommy for the beautiful red, blue, white, and yellow flower arrangement, and to T.J., our son, for 5 hours in the kitchen baking those delicious red, blue, white, and yellow cupcakes! You guys are the greatest!

A Special thank you for each and every hug that came from you special people at DRO. We love you so much.

I just want to say a deep and sincere thank you to Dr. Taylor Hartman for the blessing you are in so many lives. Thank you for writing The People Code. It has helped me restore my marriage and has brought such harmony, understanding, and love to our entire family.

I know Taylor’s heart. He, in his humble, loving way, would say, “You did the work, no one could deserve it more”.

Do your work! Stretch! Serve the needs of others! May love be the motive that drives us at our core.
Life is all about relationships!

Question?

Q - How many BLUES does it take to change a light bulb?

A - Already done. Would you like something to drink? Is it warm enough in here for you. Would you like for me to take your coat?

Q - How many REDS does it take to change a light bulb?

A - None. You only report to them.

Q - How many WHITES does it take to change a lightbulb?

A - What's the problem. I kind of like it the way it is.

Q - How many YELLOWS does it take to change a lightbulb?

A - Honey, I bought us a new lamp! That one was broken.

I HEAR YOU!

I am a yellow married to a blue. I want to share with you two of the most important truths I am learning from Motive Training and The Color Code.

1.) Blues NEED to be understood.
2.) Yellows are self-centered.

When you combine two humans in a relationship with these two facts, the walls can go up in a hurry.

When I (yellow) come home from work and ask her how her day went, guess what? She actually wants to tell me! Ugh! I was just being polite! Look what I got myself into! Now, I have to sit down and play like I am paying attention. This is hard to do when I haven’t caught the evening news yet, I am hungry and thirsty, and what I would really like to do is go get on my tractor and relax.

But being a good color code citizen, I try my best to listen.

Oh no! Bill O’Reilly is on! “Hang on a second sweetheart, I just want to hear Bill’s talking points”.

Big mistake.

“It’s OK honey, maybe we can talk later. You go ahead and watch your TV show”.

Not good.

“You just blew it yellow”, I tell myself.

“You sure did, Mr. Self-Centered”, myself replies.

You see, there is NO WAY for me to understand my blue wife without taking the time to listen to her. Note: I did not say “hear” her. There is a BIG difference between hearing words…some of the words…between distractions, which we yellows are so inordinately prone to, and LISTENING FOR UNDERSTANDING.

So, here is what I did, and still do on occasion.

I turn off the TV, sit down, face my wife, and put my hands over the tops of my eyes, as if shielding them from the sun. Now I have my blinders on. I purposely shut off the outside world, both sights and sounds so that I can focus my attention on what my wife is truly saying.

Some of you blues who are reading may be thinking “this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of!” Before you wander off too far down that trail,, you should understand that my blue wife knows I am yellow…self-centered…and easily distracted. She knows that I am learning about the needs and wants of blues. She is my partner in my personal growth process. She knows I sincerely want to do better to meet her needs. So…although she smiles at my technique initially, she quickly realizes that it is working…for both of us!

Weeks and months have gone by. I have continued to “do my work” of becoming a good listener. I seldom need my blinders nowdays, however I DO squint my eyes to remind myself to pay good attention when she is sharing her thoughts and feelings with me. I do get an occasional “stay with me” from her when she knows I am struggling. To her credit, she is doing her work by shortening her stories a bit, out of respect and understanding of my core color.

Do your work. Serve each other’s needs and wants. Remember…it’s NOT all about you!

And all the Blues and Whites said,…”Amen”.

And all the Reds and Yellows said…Ugh!

BLUE WIFE

I am a BLUE wife and grandmother with lots to do, errands to run and details to take care of. It seemed I spent half my life waiting for my husband. Many times I wanted to scream "Hurry" but learning my husband is an "easy going WHITE" has helped me to wait faster.

One Little Nut!

Motive Matters, a lot!

I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. The main drive belt on my Kubota lawn tractor broke. UGH!

Armed with my hodgepodge assortment of tools, not a one in it’s proper place, I took a deep breath and crawled under the tractor to see what I was up against.

To my dismay, it became apparent that the belly mower would need to come off and be taken out from under the tractor, in order to remove the belt. My mind raced back to the day, 8 years ago, when I purchased the bright, shiny, orange tractor. I distinctly remember the salesman telling me the wonderful benefits of having a “Quick Disconnect” belly mower! Quick…maybe…if you are a certified Kubota mechanic….or GOD!

An hour and a half later my “Quick Disconnect” belly mower was out of the way. As I prepared to remove the belt, it became obvious that one little nut, holding a pulley in place, would need to be removed to install the new belt. “NO PROBLEM”, I said to myself. I reached for my trusty ratchet, lucked out and found the right size socket, popped it into place, rolled over on my back, and slid under the tractor for this fairly simple removal of one little nut.

You are right. It resisted my effort.

“NO PROBLEM. I’ll get my hammer”. After sliding out, getting to my feet, and taking note of the various and sundry pains that were coursing their way through parts of my body I didn’t know existed, I again returned to the object of my “FIXation”, one little nut!

Bang! Bang! Bang! “Hmmmm”. BANG! BANG! BANG! BREAK!
“Got it! Success! It moved. I did it! That's the way to be determined and persevere!”

I put down the hammer and took hold of the ratchet to remove the nut. “What?” I then discovered that what had moved…was the little gears inside the ratchet. Ratches are not engineered to be beat on by hammers, evidently.

"Cheap, no good ratchet!"

“NO PROBLEM, I’ve got another ratchet around here,…“somewhere”.

After repeating the BANG! BANG! BANG! BREAK! process two more times, destroying two more perfectly good ratchets with amazing precision, the thought crossed my mind, “my way is not working so good”. So, I decided to seek some advice from someone more knowledgeable in the affairs of removing one little nut.

The friendly man at our local hardware store provided the knowledge and coaching I needed, and for $12.86, I headed back to my one little nut, armed with what he said was “THE RIGHT TOOL”, to get the job done. It was what is called a 30 inch breaker bar. (For those of you who are tool challenged like me, this is a large, long handle that allows you to get leverage on things…like nuts.)

Again, I crawled under “da owanch twacto”, as my grandchildren call it. I took a deep breath, carefully placed the socket over the nut…….and steeled myself for a mighty push.
To my shock…and amazement…I had hardly began to apply force at all, when the little nut humbled itself… and freely let loose it’s grip on the bolt holding the pulley in place.

For the next few minutes, I lay on my back, sweat dripping, looking like a homeless person needing a shower, unshaven face splattered with grass clippings and dirt clods from the BANG, BANG, BANGING, 30 inch $12.86 breaker bar lying across my chest, staring up at the filthy underbelly of a lawn tractor, pondering the deeper life lesson I had just learned.

Sometimes in life, we all need someone else. Maybe we aren't meant to do life alone.

Sometimes we need someone else, with a little knowledge, and the right tool. We can greatly benefit from all these, IF, and WHEN, we have the humility to admit that our way is not working and we need a little help.

Motive training and The Color Code is a lot like that. At the 25 year mark of our marriage, we were banging on our ratchets trying to fix the nut we just happened to be married to. The understanding of MOTIVE, and what drives me and my wife, at the core, helped us to leverage our strengths, to begin to remove the obstacles to a successful relationship. Note: I said remove the obstacles, not the relationship itself. Tragically, to often, our culture and our society today is practicing “throw away” marriage. If something is broken in the marriage, just throw it away and get a new one. This is expensive, and a tremendous waste of family, history, and resources. (There are times when removing from the relationship is the best thing, such as when there is abuse.)

Effort will always be required. But with the power of knowledge, and the right tool, effort can be efficiently applied with a successful result. I often tell struggling couples who are wondering if Color Code will help, “If your way is working, stick with it!”. “If it is not, perhaps we can give you some knowledge and provide you with the right tool that will help”. The same principle applies to professional relationships in the corporate world in which we train.

Tammy and I do our Color Code work everyday. We are both married to a human who can be sort of “nutty” at times. But with God’s help and the right tool, we are able to create great relationships. And as you know….Life is all about relationships!

COLOR CODE Moment from a RED mom!

"But Mom, you're a RED! You think you have to control everything!" Tearful words coming from my beautiful, sixteen year-old BLUE/WHITE daughter as she attempted, between sobs, to explain why it was so important that I trust and believe in HER instincts. A year ago, before Color Code, my response would not have been, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I'll try harder honey." Difficult words for a RED, motivated by power and who likes to be right all the time. Thankfully, Color Code has allowed me to look at the relationships with my family and friends through new lenses. Because of Color Code, I am able to embrace our differences and see and cherish the uniqueness of each of us. This journey into self-awareness and acceptance has not always been easy. Some days I take two steps forward and three steps backwards. But, when I look at the smile on my teenager's face, the tears all gone, and all is right with the world, I know this journey is worth it!

My new name...Rrrandad

Hi dear friends,
Where do I begin? Writing my first entry on our blog about MOTIVE, and why it matters to me…
"Rrrraanndad!!!!" That is the exclamation that shreeks from my 2 year old white (motivated by peace) granddaughter Addy, the moment her eyes get fixed on me. So that is my new name, Randad!
My four year old granddaughter Ari, who I am becoming quite sure is a blue (motivated by intimacy, an emotional connection of the heart), knows my real name, but shouts it with the same flair and enthusiasm…Grandad!
I am a yellow, motivated by fun. But for all my life, the fun I sought, was fun that was all about me. Fun, as I define it…on my terms…my time frame. So giving attention to my own children as they grew up had to fit in sometime between work at my business, followed by the evening news, then Bill O’Reilly, or whatever else I wanted to do. Motive training is teaching me to destroy, bit by bit, the number one enemy of relationships…SELFISHNESS. I suppose I will spend the rest of my life in this battle, but I am winning in life more than I used to. Remember the game of life is like scoring runs in baseball. (Playing Life to Win-Dr. Taylor Hartman, soon to be released!) 1st Base-Get Yourself, 2nd Base-Get Truth, 3rd Base-Get over yourself, Home Plate-Get others.
What this looks like with my granddaughters is something like this:

Ari- “Grandad, want to go play school and I’ll be the teacher?”
Me- (I’m watching Hannity and Combs…and it is a very interesting interview about the race for the presidency) “Sure! Let’s go!”

Or, it may look like this, as it did two nights ago:

I am going to feed the dogs…for me, a chance to escape for a few moments by myself, which I enjoy. Instead…to my granddaughters I say;

Me- “Wanna go with me to feed the doggies?”
Ari and Addy- “Yeah!!!”

I let them scoop the food into the bowls. Evidently, this is a task of monumental importance, because I watch as they do it with such seriousness and a feeling of great accomplishment. Then the thought crosses my mind…

Me- “Wanna go for a night-time tractor ride?”
Ari and Addy-“Yeah!!!”

They hop onto my lap, each one squeezing one of Randad’s arms, as I fire up the old green John Deere, turn on the lights, and the three of us begin our adventure into the back yard with Cheyenne (my German Shepherd) and Nugget (my dear blue mut) close by our side…anxiously waiting for the bugs that will fly into the air, be illuminated by the lights of the tractor and try with all their might to escape the snapping jaws of playful dogs. Our adventure takes us amidst the old pine trees where Ari beckons me to let her pick off a pine cone. And then begins the endless questions and answers about what a pine cone is, what it is for, and how a big beautiful pine tree grows to be in the first place. We stop, in the dark...turn off the old engine and look up into the star filled sky. "Rrandad, da Moooon!" Addy announces. "God made The Moon, Grandad", Ari says, as she replays for me her lessons from Sunday School. "Wooowww! He is sooooooo smart"! I reply.

After a few more laps around the house, at their request, I let Ari turn the key of the old tractor to off. "Well girls, that sure was fun". "Yeah, Rrandad, daasfun"!, Addy says as she makes her way from the high altitude of my lap to the safety of solid ground.

In 9 days the game of life will continue, but with different players. It will be Buddy, Bubba, and Buster (Nate, Eli, and Sam), my grandsons! They are coming all the way from Brownsville Texas. Most people think they are coming for a vacation with their Mom, my beautiful blue Emily, but God, and I know the truth. They are coming for a nightime tractor ride with Grandadad. (That is my name, given by Nate, when he was 2.)

Know why I love The Color Code and why motive matters to me? Because it has helped me to learn how to CREATE a relationship with my grandchildren. They LOVE Rrandad and Grandadad! That’s me! And I am learning how to love them, by making my life about them.

In the game of life, I have scored a run! I have crossed home plate for the team.

Life…it is all about relationships!

MOTIVE MATTERS!

For years, people have tried to explain our personalities based on WHAT we do….behavior. THE PEOPLE CODE, by Dr. Taylor Hartman, identifies the true wonder of MOTIVE. Personality, based on MOTIVE, is far more insightful. Once you have an accurate reading of a person’s core personality, anchored by MOTIVE, you will always know who they are, how to create a positive relationship with them, and what action or reaction you can most likely expect from them. As you begin life with a new understanding of MOTIVE, you will never see yourself or others the same again! Let the journey begin....happy life!