How Does This Work? -Van Benson, Motive Matters, Color Code

Hi friends,
Tammy and I have met so many great and wonderful people during the past several months. I can't tell you all how much I appreciate and value the time we spend together learning about Motive. A more correct way to put that would be, how we are learning about ourselves and each other, about people. What could be more important? ...(I will let you think about that one...)

We just returned home from Frankfort KY, after a Motive Matters, Color Code training with 42 teachers and administration at Frankfort Christian Academy. What a COOL school! They have a beautiful facility, a former T-shirt factory, which they converted, through much love and hard work, for a much higher higher purpose. We were privileged to get to meet, and interact, with the people who make it their life and ministry to educate the next generation of young people from in and around their city. Thank you to Paul and Linda Simms and the entire staff of FCA for making our training day a success.

We laughed, we cried, we pondered, we considered,...we learned!

On our flight home from Louisville to Tulsa, aboard the great Southwest Airlines, (I am a raving fan of theirs) I read an article in Spirit Magazine, written by Keith Runnels, a supervisor, Aircraft Maintenance, Dallas.

"Keith realized early on he could turn his tinkering habit into a career. As a little boy, one of his family's friends worked as an aviation mechanic. One weekend my Dad brought home a motorcycle in a box", Keith says. "He'd actually brought it home in pieces. Hank, the mechanic, told my Dad to take us out for the weekend, and when we got back home, he had put the entire motorcycle together!"

This impressive feat stuck in Keith's mind for years. He describes working as a mechanic for Southwest Airlines as, "the pinnacle of my career."

As a Maintenance Supervisor, his favorite question is, "How does this work?" Great question! Then he got me! He writes, "I found this applies to my fellow workers, as well as to airplanes.

He is right.

It is so helpful to know how people work. What makes them tick? What is the MOTIVE that MATTERS to them? Teachers love to learn what motivates their students as well as what motivates themselves, personally. Soooo helpful.

No matter what your profession; teacher, doctor, policeman, factory worker, manager, executive, knowing and understanding people is at the heart of your ability to be successful in life. Learning to value all people, regardless of personality differences, learning to "speak their language", and serve their emotional and psychological needs, creates trust and high performance teamwork. As Dr. Taylor Hartman says, "Life is all about Relationships!"

This month alone we will be training over 350 teachers about how Motive Matters in relationships. We hope our time together will result in knowledge and understanding that will help these teachers learn to VALUE, RESPECT, and MOTIVATE their students in a new and powerful way, bringing out the very best in all.

Let's all continue, as Dr. W. Edwards Deming said, to have a "yearnin' for learnin'." Let's keep stretching, growing, extending ourselves, for our own personal growth, and for the growth and benefit of others.

Very best of living to all. GO TEAM!

Good article on self-control

I hope you enjoy the following article from Purpose Driven Life. I am happy to receive articles like this in my email inbox on a daily basis.

Healing Choices: Controlled by Circumstances or Character
Rick Warren From PurposeDriven.com In our Devotionals series, Pastor Rick Warren discusses the Bible passages that inspire him the most. Today's Devotional is based on this passage:

“It is better to win control over yourself than over whole cities” (Proverbs 16:32 TEV).

When we say things like, ‘That makes me so mad…so sad…feel so bad,’ then we’re actually saying that circumstances control the way we feel. Yet, we do have a choice. We have the ability to make healing choices. We can choose to remain positive; we can choose to not let some circumstance ‘make’ us mad.

The ability to control our reactions, to handle hurt without retaliating is called meekness. Jesus promised, “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:5 NIV). Meek people control their reactions toward life and this gives them far more control over a situation than if they simply react.

If you are a meek person, you are no longer a victim. You control your choices. The best definition of meekness in the Bible is Proverbs 16:32: “ . . . It is better to win control over yourself than over whole cities” (TEV).

During World War II, the noted psychiatrist Victor Frankl was a prisoner in the concentration camp at Auschwitz. He said, “They took my clothes, my wife, my kids, my wedding ring. I stood naked before the SS and I realized they can take everything in my life but they cannot take my freedom to choose how I will respond to them."

That is a freedom you will always have. How do I react? How do I choose to react to those people who hurt me?

We will be blessed when we show self-control. You might be thinking, ‘That leaves me out! I can't control my reactions! I can't get them under control!’ The secret of controlling your reaction is letting God's Spirit fill your life moment-by-moment. He'll break all those bad habits, all those patterns of reacting, all those old ways of being negative, defensive--reacting in fear, in anger, in sarcasm. He can break all those old patterns in your life and fill your life with power, love, and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7).

Some of us are stressed out by life, by circumstances, by relationships. What do we need more than anything else? We need to develop the quality of meekness; the quality of controlling our reactions by the Spirit God has placed in us.

You can learn more about what God wants for you by reading The Purpose Driven Life.

Resolving conflict by understanding needs and wants

Remember, the number ONE enemy of successful relationships is selfishness.
Is my life about getting or giving. (Getting my own emotional needs and wants met, or serving the needs and wants of others in my life)

Here is a real life example of a "Motive Moment" in our lives. I believe it is an example of relationship brilliance on the part of my wife, Tammy.

Here is the scenario:

Tammy's brother, Darren, works in Force Protection at The Pentagon in Washington D.C. We get to see him about twice a year. He and his family were at Tammy's other brother, Russ's house in Mount Vernon, MO. We were going to his house for a fare-well get together before Darren flew back to D.C. the following day.

Our 17 year old daughter, Stef is a WHITE. We had told her she could drive herself to Mt. Vernon after volleyball practice at 6:00 oclock.

Well....as sometimes happens in the life of a YELLOW, I was running late, and instead of Tammy and me leaving for Mt. Vernon at 4:00 oclock, we found ourselves leaving in the middle of a thunderstorm at 5:30. Tammy said, "I hate for Stef to have to drive on the interstate highway in this weather." I said, "with gas prices so high, it is ridiculous for us to take 2 cars when we are leaving 30 minutes apart." We decided to see if we could get Stef excused a little early from practice and have her ride with us.

Any of you who have teenage kids will appreciate how well that plan went over. As a white, she was looking forward to being by herself and independently driving to Mt. Vernon. I informed her that we needed her to get her stuff and drive home so we could leave ASAP.

She replied, sternly, "Well, I'm gonna tell you right now that I AM going to take a shower before we leave. I am sweaty and a mess! I am going to shower at home before we go!"

"See you at home", was my response.

Tammy obviously did not want to wait for Stef to shower. She said "how are we going to convince her to shower when we get to Russ's house. I want to go see my brother!"

Being YELLOW WITH secondary RED, and being a bit stressed by the whole thing, I replied in my determined, authoritative, husband, father, head of the house way...."Just TELL HER DAD SAID!"

Stef pulled up and got out of her car and started into the house. I watched as Tammy met her in the driveway and exchanged a few words with her. About 2 minutes later, Stef hurried to the car with a bag of clothes and off we went to Mt. Vernon. I expected my daughter to be angry and bitter. But NO! She was actually pleasant and conversed with us as we drove.

Only later, did I ask Tammy, "what did you say to her?"

"I said, Stef, if you would take a shower when we get to Russ's house, I could spend 30 minutes more with my little brother who is leaving for Washington D.C. in the morning."

Stef had thought about it for a couple of seconds and simply relied, "OK."

Tammy spoke the language of white to Stefany. LOGIC.

As a family,...the three of us...we had a great night together. If we had taken MY old approach, it would most likely turned out quite different.

I am so proud of Tammy's Color Code brilliance. She served Stef's needs and wants by being calm, soft spoken with some firmness, but very logical. She didn't try to force her way on Stef. She allowed Stef to be who she is and make a good decision logically, without mean harsh words having to be spoken.

This was a great lesson in the power of knowing what makes us tick, and using that knowledge and understanding to speak the language of the other person, thereby CREATING successful relationship.

I was wrong.

Last week, during a Motive Matters/Color Code class on relationships, Tammy and I shared a couple of examples of what, at the time, were serious conflicts from from our marriage relationship. Harsh words had been spoken, feelings were hurt, negative emotions were activated, insecurities showed themselves plainly. We were doing what all couples do…fighting.
During the class, someone asked, “So, how do get over it…how do you resolve it…what do you do when you are both mad, and hurt, wounded and both of you have your feet dug in, aggressively defending your positions?”
GREAT QUESTION!
Over the course of the next several blogs, I will share some of the things Tammy and I have learned to do. Some of these are “processes”, and some are “techniques”.
All of them add up to “skills” or “competencies” of one sort or another. They usually fall into the category of Emotional Intelligence (EI) skills, or Communication skills. The good news is, everyone reading this can learn to develop a skill set of your own. You may be weak and uncomfortable with EI and communicating feelings, like I was…but ALL OF US can improve!
Motive matters, a lot! Let’s start with motive, and needs and wants. (Be sure you know your own needs and wants from your core and secondary colors.)
Needs and wants are different from gifts and strengths. Whether your heart’s motive is clean or dirty, will often cause your needs and wants to create a wall that blocks successful inter-personal relationship.
Dr. Taylor Hartman says, “In my experience there are really only two motives that drive people; fear and love.”
William Young, in his brilliant Best Seller, “The Shack”, writes about the two choices we humans often make that cause us so much pain, hurt, and block us in our relationship with God and each other; selfishness and independence.
In my experience, I have found, when the motive of my heart is fear based…THAT is when I most often make choices that are selfish and independent.
When I open myself to be motivated by the power of love, I am much more secure within my own self. I am more secure in my two brains…my thinking brain, and my emotional brain. I am infinitely more capable of “owning” my own shortcomings and failures and admitting to them.
People who are secure, and motivated by love are empowered to utter those rare but beautiful, healing words, “I was wrong”. In his book, “Sandcastles”, Taylor Hartman writes, “You must be willing to be wrong sometimes. And in order to be wrong, you have to know you are still a legitimate and worthy human being. The person, who doesn’t feel he/she is intrinsically worthy, is always the most insecure party in conflict communication. The weakest link controls the relationship”.
The opposite of humility is insecurity. Always be checking yourself for defensive behavior. Defensiveness is the tip off that insecurity is as work. Fear and insecurity go hand in hand.
Taylor reminds us, “Secure people SEEK feedback from others.” During those times when this feedback is not perceived by you as being positive, remember…secure people genuinely respond by saying, “Thank you.”
Ponder these thoughts. Pray about them. Seek love. It is the highest motive for living a charactered life. More to come....