Resolving conflict by understanding needs and wants

Remember, the number ONE enemy of successful relationships is selfishness.
Is my life about getting or giving. (Getting my own emotional needs and wants met, or serving the needs and wants of others in my life)

Here is a real life example of a "Motive Moment" in our lives. I believe it is an example of relationship brilliance on the part of my wife, Tammy.

Here is the scenario:

Tammy's brother, Darren, works in Force Protection at The Pentagon in Washington D.C. We get to see him about twice a year. He and his family were at Tammy's other brother, Russ's house in Mount Vernon, MO. We were going to his house for a fare-well get together before Darren flew back to D.C. the following day.

Our 17 year old daughter, Stef is a WHITE. We had told her she could drive herself to Mt. Vernon after volleyball practice at 6:00 oclock.

Well....as sometimes happens in the life of a YELLOW, I was running late, and instead of Tammy and me leaving for Mt. Vernon at 4:00 oclock, we found ourselves leaving in the middle of a thunderstorm at 5:30. Tammy said, "I hate for Stef to have to drive on the interstate highway in this weather." I said, "with gas prices so high, it is ridiculous for us to take 2 cars when we are leaving 30 minutes apart." We decided to see if we could get Stef excused a little early from practice and have her ride with us.

Any of you who have teenage kids will appreciate how well that plan went over. As a white, she was looking forward to being by herself and independently driving to Mt. Vernon. I informed her that we needed her to get her stuff and drive home so we could leave ASAP.

She replied, sternly, "Well, I'm gonna tell you right now that I AM going to take a shower before we leave. I am sweaty and a mess! I am going to shower at home before we go!"

"See you at home", was my response.

Tammy obviously did not want to wait for Stef to shower. She said "how are we going to convince her to shower when we get to Russ's house. I want to go see my brother!"

Being YELLOW WITH secondary RED, and being a bit stressed by the whole thing, I replied in my determined, authoritative, husband, father, head of the house way...."Just TELL HER DAD SAID!"

Stef pulled up and got out of her car and started into the house. I watched as Tammy met her in the driveway and exchanged a few words with her. About 2 minutes later, Stef hurried to the car with a bag of clothes and off we went to Mt. Vernon. I expected my daughter to be angry and bitter. But NO! She was actually pleasant and conversed with us as we drove.

Only later, did I ask Tammy, "what did you say to her?"

"I said, Stef, if you would take a shower when we get to Russ's house, I could spend 30 minutes more with my little brother who is leaving for Washington D.C. in the morning."

Stef had thought about it for a couple of seconds and simply relied, "OK."

Tammy spoke the language of white to Stefany. LOGIC.

As a family,...the three of us...we had a great night together. If we had taken MY old approach, it would most likely turned out quite different.

I am so proud of Tammy's Color Code brilliance. She served Stef's needs and wants by being calm, soft spoken with some firmness, but very logical. She didn't try to force her way on Stef. She allowed Stef to be who she is and make a good decision logically, without mean harsh words having to be spoken.

This was a great lesson in the power of knowing what makes us tick, and using that knowledge and understanding to speak the language of the other person, thereby CREATING successful relationship.