I hope you enjoy the following article from Purpose Driven Life. I am happy to receive articles like this in my email inbox on a daily basis.
Healing Choices: Controlled by Circumstances or Character
Rick Warren From PurposeDriven.com In our Devotionals series, Pastor Rick Warren discusses the Bible passages that inspire him the most. Today's Devotional is based on this passage:
“It is better to win control over yourself than over whole cities” (Proverbs 16:32 TEV).
When we say things like, ‘That makes me so mad…so sad…feel so bad,’ then we’re actually saying that circumstances control the way we feel. Yet, we do have a choice. We have the ability to make healing choices. We can choose to remain positive; we can choose to not let some circumstance ‘make’ us mad.
The ability to control our reactions, to handle hurt without retaliating is called meekness. Jesus promised, “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:5 NIV). Meek people control their reactions toward life and this gives them far more control over a situation than if they simply react.
If you are a meek person, you are no longer a victim. You control your choices. The best definition of meekness in the Bible is Proverbs 16:32: “ . . . It is better to win control over yourself than over whole cities” (TEV).
During World War II, the noted psychiatrist Victor Frankl was a prisoner in the concentration camp at Auschwitz. He said, “They took my clothes, my wife, my kids, my wedding ring. I stood naked before the SS and I realized they can take everything in my life but they cannot take my freedom to choose how I will respond to them."
That is a freedom you will always have. How do I react? How do I choose to react to those people who hurt me?
We will be blessed when we show self-control. You might be thinking, ‘That leaves me out! I can't control my reactions! I can't get them under control!’ The secret of controlling your reaction is letting God's Spirit fill your life moment-by-moment. He'll break all those bad habits, all those patterns of reacting, all those old ways of being negative, defensive--reacting in fear, in anger, in sarcasm. He can break all those old patterns in your life and fill your life with power, love, and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7).
Some of us are stressed out by life, by circumstances, by relationships. What do we need more than anything else? We need to develop the quality of meekness; the quality of controlling our reactions by the Spirit God has placed in us.
You can learn more about what God wants for you by reading The Purpose Driven Life.
COLOR CODE Moments and Questions
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
I like this column by Cal Thomas
Well said by Cal Thomas. www.calthomas.com
The Voice Claims Another Victim
By Cal Thomas
The first thing that should be acknowledged about South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s admission to an extramarital affair is that it could happen to any of us. That is not an excuse (and no, it has not happened to me, or to my wife). Every married person has heard the voice; the one that says you deserve something “better.”
Gov. Sanford should have been familiar with the voice because of the Bible studies he attended. The voice began seducing humanity a long time ago. It told our first parents that they needed more than the perfection of Eden. The voice told them that God knew that if they ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil they would be like God. But they already were like God, because they were made in His image.
Stick with me you secularists and non-literalists, because there is a point to be made for you, too.
Psychiatrists explain that married people tire of one another after 10 or 20 years (it used to be seven years, as in that Marilyn Monroe/Tom Ewell film “The Seven Year Itch.” Must be inflation.). Good marriages are the result of hard work. Forsaking all others is more than a wedding promise. It is a daily denial of one’s lower instincts. Temptation is everywhere. The key to overcoming it is to realize you are fighting an adversarial force that wants to destroy you, embarrass you and cause ridicule to be heaped on the God you claim to worship.
One can make excuses about power and loneliness and starting out as a friendship that develops into something else, as Gov. Sanford rambled on about, but one can’t explain adultery. It is what it is and the person who commits it should be calling on God for mercy, not the voters for understanding.
I once asked evangelist Billy Graham if he experienced temptations of the flesh when he was young. He said, “of course.” How did he deal with them? With passion he responded, “I asked God to strike me dead before He ever allowed me to dishonor Him in that way.” That is the kind of seriousness one needs to overcome the temptations of a corrupt culture in which shameful behavior is too often paraded in the streets.
There was a time when a divorce would disqualify someone from public office. Now people admit affairs and expect to stay in office. “It’s just sex,” said defenders of Bill Clinton. One might as well say, “it was just a gun” that killed my spouse. Adultery wounds in ways a bullet cannot. One can potentially heal from a bullet wound, but a shot to the soul and to the trust that must be central to any marriage is nearly impossible to repair. The wounded spouse always wonders, “Will he/she do it again?”
A relationship most promise to venerate “until death us do part” is damaged by adultery, whether it’s a TV evangelist, a politician or a regular Joe who violates the marriage bed. In fact, we rarely even use the word “adultery” anymore because it sounds so, uh, biblical, and those teachings and commands long ago fell out of fashion, though they work for those who embrace them.
Any man who claims never to have had thoughts of straying is a liar. Any man who has sought the help of God and other men in helping him to honor his marriage promises to his wife and children is a hero, especially in today’s morally exhausted culture.
I miss Paul Harvey and his acknowledgement of those who had been married 50, 60, even 70 years. Those people are my role models. I’m sure they heard the voice, too, but they told it to get lost and it did. Pushing against weights builds up the body, pushing against the voice builds up the soul and improves a marriage. You can never take a marriage — or the voice — for granted; it’s always on the prowl looking for new people to destroy.
Van - One thing I would add to Cal's excellent column: Kudos to the governor's wife for maintaining a willingness to seek restoration of the marriage relationship and extend forgiveness, in a spirit of christian love. Rebuilding trust takes time and hard work, but there are many couples who have done their work, repaired their connection, and are reaping the rewards of enjoying the life-long relationship called marriage. They serve as heroes to their children and all the rest of us.
The Voice Claims Another Victim
By Cal Thomas
The first thing that should be acknowledged about South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s admission to an extramarital affair is that it could happen to any of us. That is not an excuse (and no, it has not happened to me, or to my wife). Every married person has heard the voice; the one that says you deserve something “better.”
Gov. Sanford should have been familiar with the voice because of the Bible studies he attended. The voice began seducing humanity a long time ago. It told our first parents that they needed more than the perfection of Eden. The voice told them that God knew that if they ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil they would be like God. But they already were like God, because they were made in His image.
Stick with me you secularists and non-literalists, because there is a point to be made for you, too.
Psychiatrists explain that married people tire of one another after 10 or 20 years (it used to be seven years, as in that Marilyn Monroe/Tom Ewell film “The Seven Year Itch.” Must be inflation.). Good marriages are the result of hard work. Forsaking all others is more than a wedding promise. It is a daily denial of one’s lower instincts. Temptation is everywhere. The key to overcoming it is to realize you are fighting an adversarial force that wants to destroy you, embarrass you and cause ridicule to be heaped on the God you claim to worship.
One can make excuses about power and loneliness and starting out as a friendship that develops into something else, as Gov. Sanford rambled on about, but one can’t explain adultery. It is what it is and the person who commits it should be calling on God for mercy, not the voters for understanding.
I once asked evangelist Billy Graham if he experienced temptations of the flesh when he was young. He said, “of course.” How did he deal with them? With passion he responded, “I asked God to strike me dead before He ever allowed me to dishonor Him in that way.” That is the kind of seriousness one needs to overcome the temptations of a corrupt culture in which shameful behavior is too often paraded in the streets.
There was a time when a divorce would disqualify someone from public office. Now people admit affairs and expect to stay in office. “It’s just sex,” said defenders of Bill Clinton. One might as well say, “it was just a gun” that killed my spouse. Adultery wounds in ways a bullet cannot. One can potentially heal from a bullet wound, but a shot to the soul and to the trust that must be central to any marriage is nearly impossible to repair. The wounded spouse always wonders, “Will he/she do it again?”
A relationship most promise to venerate “until death us do part” is damaged by adultery, whether it’s a TV evangelist, a politician or a regular Joe who violates the marriage bed. In fact, we rarely even use the word “adultery” anymore because it sounds so, uh, biblical, and those teachings and commands long ago fell out of fashion, though they work for those who embrace them.
Any man who claims never to have had thoughts of straying is a liar. Any man who has sought the help of God and other men in helping him to honor his marriage promises to his wife and children is a hero, especially in today’s morally exhausted culture.
I miss Paul Harvey and his acknowledgement of those who had been married 50, 60, even 70 years. Those people are my role models. I’m sure they heard the voice, too, but they told it to get lost and it did. Pushing against weights builds up the body, pushing against the voice builds up the soul and improves a marriage. You can never take a marriage — or the voice — for granted; it’s always on the prowl looking for new people to destroy.
Van - One thing I would add to Cal's excellent column: Kudos to the governor's wife for maintaining a willingness to seek restoration of the marriage relationship and extend forgiveness, in a spirit of christian love. Rebuilding trust takes time and hard work, but there are many couples who have done their work, repaired their connection, and are reaping the rewards of enjoying the life-long relationship called marriage. They serve as heroes to their children and all the rest of us.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Forgive...and Live Again - Motive Matters Van Benson
Forgiveness: To stop the blame and grant pardon
No matter how innocent our intentions, how competent we are in relationship skills, there will always be conflict, born of misunderstanding, and ill conceived perceptions of the motives and actions of others. WHEN you get stuck in relationship difficulties, give yourself a little time to calm the emotions and then consider the healing power of forgiveness. A conscious decision to stop the blame and grant pardon.
Consider these selected quotations on the subject and then get ready for a moving video about a daughter extending forgiveness to a man who killed her father. Choosing to forgive someone is rarely easy or quick. Forgiving a friend or family member is often more difficult than forgiving an enemy. When we forgive, we can breath again, and so can the offending party. Forgiveness is a beautiful, freeing, gift we give to others, and to ourselves.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
"We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies."
MOHANDAS K. GANDHI:
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
THICH NHAT HANH:
"The practice of peace and reconciliation is one of the most vital and artistic of human actions."
No matter how innocent our intentions, how competent we are in relationship skills, there will always be conflict, born of misunderstanding, and ill conceived perceptions of the motives and actions of others. WHEN you get stuck in relationship difficulties, give yourself a little time to calm the emotions and then consider the healing power of forgiveness. A conscious decision to stop the blame and grant pardon.
Consider these selected quotations on the subject and then get ready for a moving video about a daughter extending forgiveness to a man who killed her father. Choosing to forgive someone is rarely easy or quick. Forgiving a friend or family member is often more difficult than forgiving an enemy. When we forgive, we can breath again, and so can the offending party. Forgiveness is a beautiful, freeing, gift we give to others, and to ourselves.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
"We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies."
MOHANDAS K. GANDHI:
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
THICH NHAT HANH:
"The practice of peace and reconciliation is one of the most vital and artistic of human actions."
Monday, June 22, 2009
Motive Matters Highlight Video - 20 mins
Our work through Motive Matters and The Color Code has given us the opportunity to work with so many wonderful people in many different venues.... from individuals and families wanting to strength their relationships to corporate management and production teams, to faith based marriage retreats, to professional development workshops for teachers, and relationship training for High School students.
We consider it a great privilege to partner with the Miami Tribe of Oklahoma, and the Administration for Native Americans, promoting the value of healthy marriages and strong relationships through the President's Healthy Marriage Initiative.
As part of our 3 year program, we will be sending a DVD of this video to each tribal household of the Miami Nation.
A special thank you to Greg Fish of www.fishxpressions.com and Gary Ohmart of www.ovcinc.com for your assistance and contributions to this video. Nice job!
We consider it a great privilege to partner with the Miami Tribe of Oklahoma, and the Administration for Native Americans, promoting the value of healthy marriages and strong relationships through the President's Healthy Marriage Initiative.
As part of our 3 year program, we will be sending a DVD of this video to each tribal household of the Miami Nation.
A special thank you to Greg Fish of www.fishxpressions.com and Gary Ohmart of www.ovcinc.com for your assistance and contributions to this video. Nice job!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
What Got into YoU? by Van Benson
I just want to say a hearty "Thank you" to the outstanding staff of Color Code International.
Thank you Lan, Jeremy, Lindsay, Matthew, and of course, Dr. Taylor Hartman, Author of The Color/People Code. You guys are awesome and we at Motive Matters love you and respect you for all you do to help us accomplish our mission.
The more we train the principles of The Color Code, the more we appreciate the author's genius of revealing the needs and wants of the four Colors.
Your individual needs and wants will usually come from your primary and secondary colors. The "needs and wants" portion of The People Code represents our "Roadmap" to serving others, speaking their "color" language, and creating, and sustaining, successful relationships. When you are consistently serving another person's needs and wants, it is difficult...very difficult, for a good relationship NOT to evolve and grow.
Here they are for you to consider:
RED - Needs to look good technically, intellectually, academically
Needs to be right
Needs to be respected (treat them as if they are important...they are!)
Needs to attain the approval of a select few
Wants to hide insecurities
Wants to produce
Wants leadership position
Wants to experience challenging adventure
BLUE - Needs to be good morally
Needs to be understood
Needs to be appreciated
Needs to be accepted
Wants to reveal insecurities
Wants to be autonomous (self-governing)
Wants to attain quality
Wants to have security
WHITE - Needs to feel good (inside...peaceful and tranquil)
Needs to be allowed their own space (smart, reclusive thinkers)
Needs to be respected (treated like they are important...they are!)
Needs to be tolerated
Want to withhold insecurities
Wants to receive kindness
Wants to maintain independence
Wants to feel contented
YELLOW - Needs to look good (socially)
Needs to be noticed
Needs to be praised
Needs approval of the masses
Wants to hide insecurites
Wants to achieve happiness
Wants freedom
Wants playful adventure
What is the Core Color (Motive) of the person you need to improve a relationship with?
REDS are motivated by POWER, moving from A to B and being productive
BLUES are motivated by INTIMACY, a deep, personal connection of the heart
WHITES are motivated by PEACE, inner tranquility amidst the chaos and noise of life
YELLOWS are motivated by FUN, living life fully engaged in the moment...enjoying it now
Think about THEIR needs and wants...not your own...and consider deciding to SERVE their needs and wants in genuine and creative ways. Motive Matters is a process, not an event. Don't expect a quick fix band aid. Over time, and it's usually quicker than you think, you will see a change for the better in the relationship. The other person will probably be wondering "what got into you?"
The answer is really pretty simple: Love.
Thank you Lan, Jeremy, Lindsay, Matthew, and of course, Dr. Taylor Hartman, Author of The Color/People Code. You guys are awesome and we at Motive Matters love you and respect you for all you do to help us accomplish our mission.
The more we train the principles of The Color Code, the more we appreciate the author's genius of revealing the needs and wants of the four Colors.
Your individual needs and wants will usually come from your primary and secondary colors. The "needs and wants" portion of The People Code represents our "Roadmap" to serving others, speaking their "color" language, and creating, and sustaining, successful relationships. When you are consistently serving another person's needs and wants, it is difficult...very difficult, for a good relationship NOT to evolve and grow.
Here they are for you to consider:
RED - Needs to look good technically, intellectually, academically
Needs to be right
Needs to be respected (treat them as if they are important...they are!)
Needs to attain the approval of a select few
Wants to hide insecurities
Wants to produce
Wants leadership position
Wants to experience challenging adventure
BLUE - Needs to be good morally
Needs to be understood
Needs to be appreciated
Needs to be accepted
Wants to reveal insecurities
Wants to be autonomous (self-governing)
Wants to attain quality
Wants to have security
WHITE - Needs to feel good (inside...peaceful and tranquil)
Needs to be allowed their own space (smart, reclusive thinkers)
Needs to be respected (treated like they are important...they are!)
Needs to be tolerated
Want to withhold insecurities
Wants to receive kindness
Wants to maintain independence
Wants to feel contented
YELLOW - Needs to look good (socially)
Needs to be noticed
Needs to be praised
Needs approval of the masses
Wants to hide insecurites
Wants to achieve happiness
Wants freedom
Wants playful adventure
What is the Core Color (Motive) of the person you need to improve a relationship with?
REDS are motivated by POWER, moving from A to B and being productive
BLUES are motivated by INTIMACY, a deep, personal connection of the heart
WHITES are motivated by PEACE, inner tranquility amidst the chaos and noise of life
YELLOWS are motivated by FUN, living life fully engaged in the moment...enjoying it now
Think about THEIR needs and wants...not your own...and consider deciding to SERVE their needs and wants in genuine and creative ways. Motive Matters is a process, not an event. Don't expect a quick fix band aid. Over time, and it's usually quicker than you think, you will see a change for the better in the relationship. The other person will probably be wondering "what got into you?"
The answer is really pretty simple: Love.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
TRUST
When we understand each other, we are better equipped to trust each other.
In a recent Motive Matters Color Code Relationship Training a gem of wisdom was revealed by two of the participants, one a WHITE, the other a RED.
Before I get to that let's take a quick look at the word TRUST.
Trust: 1.) Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2.) Something committed into the care of another.
3.) One in which confidence is placed.
SYNONYMS trust, faith, confidence, reliance, dependence. These nouns denote a feeling of certainty that a person or thing will not fail. Trust implies depth and assurance of feeling that is often based on inconclusive evidence.
In the world of relationships, whether business or personal, trust is critical.
Definition #1 above is the most commonly understood meaning of trust. We usually think of trust as believing someone is telling us the truth, or is acting with honesty and integrity. True. But as the famous infomercial says, "But wait! There's more!"
We must learn to trust in other's abilities: A person's ability to do something. A natural or acquired skill or competency.
Motive Matters and The Color Code, helps you discover not only an accurate sense of self-awareness, so that you become "aware" of your own natural gifts and strengths, but also teaches you about the gifts and strengths of others on your team. We are members of many "teams" during the course of a lifetime. In business, we work with management teams, production teams, supervisory teams, human resource teams, executive teams, etc. You may be a part of various teams in your church, for instance...The Worship Team, The Deacons, The Elders, Welcome Team, Parking Lot Team, Softball Team. You get the idea.
Perhaps the most important "team" you will ever participate in, is, your Family Team. A husband and a wife comprise a team. In fact, when it comes to self development, and continuous self improvement, your marriage is, without a doubt, the most important and powerful tool you will experience in life. No other relationship offers the myriad of opportunities to learn to serve another human being, while growing and maturing yourself.
Your children are star performers on your Family Team. Do you trust in their integrity...AND...in their abilities?
Each individual member of any team brings certain gifts and strengths that flow from the Driving Core Motive of their personality. Our passion at Motive Matters is to help people learn to trust each other better.
Now...back to that corporate training experience. I was training the limitation of WHITE we call "indecisive". One WHITE in the room commented how he had taken three weeks gathering information so he could buy a new washing machine for his wife. THREE WEEKS! And, still NO WASHING MACHINE! We all got a good laugh.
Just then, another WHITE spoke up. "I can't make a decision until I feel 100% confident it is the correct decision." He happened to be a brilliant engineer who performs critical design work within a manufacturing process.
Then the gem of brilliance manifested. A RED responded, "You know, sometimes I get so frustrated by what I perceive as the slow pace of you WHITES!" "But, now...I can see where you WHITES are really protecting all the rest of us. By taking a little extra time, and processing all the information logically, you are making sure the solution will work effectively for the entire team!" "Cool!"
Kudos to those who participated in teaching all of us this great truth.
None of us is smarter than all of us. And, no one of us is better than all of us. It takes all Colors, working together, trusting each other, depending upon each other, to get the job done right!
And, as Dr. W. Edwards Deming said, "To know how you depend on others, and how they depend on you,...to take pride in a job well done, and to have had the opportunity to do it...THAT is "joy" in work.
In a recent Motive Matters Color Code Relationship Training a gem of wisdom was revealed by two of the participants, one a WHITE, the other a RED.
Before I get to that let's take a quick look at the word TRUST.
Trust: 1.) Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2.) Something committed into the care of another.
3.) One in which confidence is placed.
SYNONYMS trust, faith, confidence, reliance, dependence. These nouns denote a feeling of certainty that a person or thing will not fail. Trust implies depth and assurance of feeling that is often based on inconclusive evidence.
In the world of relationships, whether business or personal, trust is critical.
Definition #1 above is the most commonly understood meaning of trust. We usually think of trust as believing someone is telling us the truth, or is acting with honesty and integrity. True. But as the famous infomercial says, "But wait! There's more!"
We must learn to trust in other's abilities: A person's ability to do something. A natural or acquired skill or competency.
Motive Matters and The Color Code, helps you discover not only an accurate sense of self-awareness, so that you become "aware" of your own natural gifts and strengths, but also teaches you about the gifts and strengths of others on your team. We are members of many "teams" during the course of a lifetime. In business, we work with management teams, production teams, supervisory teams, human resource teams, executive teams, etc. You may be a part of various teams in your church, for instance...The Worship Team, The Deacons, The Elders, Welcome Team, Parking Lot Team, Softball Team. You get the idea.
Perhaps the most important "team" you will ever participate in, is, your Family Team. A husband and a wife comprise a team. In fact, when it comes to self development, and continuous self improvement, your marriage is, without a doubt, the most important and powerful tool you will experience in life. No other relationship offers the myriad of opportunities to learn to serve another human being, while growing and maturing yourself.
Your children are star performers on your Family Team. Do you trust in their integrity...AND...in their abilities?
Each individual member of any team brings certain gifts and strengths that flow from the Driving Core Motive of their personality. Our passion at Motive Matters is to help people learn to trust each other better.
Now...back to that corporate training experience. I was training the limitation of WHITE we call "indecisive". One WHITE in the room commented how he had taken three weeks gathering information so he could buy a new washing machine for his wife. THREE WEEKS! And, still NO WASHING MACHINE! We all got a good laugh.
Just then, another WHITE spoke up. "I can't make a decision until I feel 100% confident it is the correct decision." He happened to be a brilliant engineer who performs critical design work within a manufacturing process.
Then the gem of brilliance manifested. A RED responded, "You know, sometimes I get so frustrated by what I perceive as the slow pace of you WHITES!" "But, now...I can see where you WHITES are really protecting all the rest of us. By taking a little extra time, and processing all the information logically, you are making sure the solution will work effectively for the entire team!" "Cool!"
Kudos to those who participated in teaching all of us this great truth.
None of us is smarter than all of us. And, no one of us is better than all of us. It takes all Colors, working together, trusting each other, depending upon each other, to get the job done right!
And, as Dr. W. Edwards Deming said, "To know how you depend on others, and how they depend on you,...to take pride in a job well done, and to have had the opportunity to do it...THAT is "joy" in work.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
SEVEN MOST IMPORTANT WORDS - Part 3 "I love you"
“I love you.”
Are you comfortable saying these words?
“I love fast cars!” “I love the St. Louis Cardinals!” “I love to play golf!” “I love my dog!” As long as we have a good feeling about something, we can say we love it! We usually don’t associate “love” with anything but gooooood, positive “feelings”.
Most of us have some issues when it comes to these three words. It just seems to be the way we are conditioned as a result of experience and society. In fact those three words can drive some of us nuts. If you ever want to see someone look like a deer in the head lights, just for effect, spring those words on them unexpectedly.
When Tammy and I were dating, 36 years ago, we had issues with those words. As a YELLOW, I was most reluctant to say those words, no matter how much I knew my BLUE girlfriend wanted to hear them. (Sounds too much like “commitment, responsibility,…MARRIAGE!!!) As we continued to court each other, I somehow managed to get enough courage to say…”I love you, for today”. This was long before we knew anything about how much MOTIVE MATTERS and Color Code. About a year later, we went through a high school break-up. Tammy seemed to be showing way to much interest in another guy, so I began to try to win her back. When faced with the prospect of losing her to the competition, it was amazing how bold I became in saying “Hey!...I Love YOU!!” She would smugly look out the window of my ’66 Shelby Mustang without comment.
“Do YOU love ME??!!??!!??”, I would implore.
After what seemed like an eternity, she would say, “I guess I love you…for today”.
PAYBACK! Oh, I hated that. Believe it or not, YELLOW wanted “commitment” from his BLUE!!! (As I reflect back, I think she was using excellent color code skills by nature. She was doing the very thing that pushed me to get real with my true feelings, and develop commitment in my “yellow” self.
Are you fearful of saying I Love You? Do you know what you are saying when you say it?
All the rules change in a relationship when you say those three words, I love you. Why?
Because love goes to the heart of the matter. It clarifies your ultimate motive upon which the relationship is built. Beyond our innate personalities which are driven by our gift of core motive, whether POWER, INTIMACY, PEACE, or FUN, all of us are driven by fear or love. The expression of love being the motive brings confidence that the agenda is to do good and not harm. But love is a powerful motive. As Randy Gariss said, “Love can do much harm or much good because it goes to the deepest parts of the soul and the emotions.”
What most people don’t realize is, love is not just a noun…a feeling… love is a verb. 99% of the time when we say “I love you”, we are admitting to ourselves, or the other person, that there is a “feeling”, an emotion, of fondness, goodwill, or connection. However, the highest form of love, agape, is something you “do”, not something you “feel”. This love is described and can be heard at almost every wedding ceremony. You know…”Love is patient. Love is kind”…
In his wonderful book “Servant Leadership”, author James C. Hunter paraphrases the ingredients of the highest love found in I Cor. 13 this way:
“Love is how you choose to treat a person. How you choose to act and react toward them”.
It is choosing to treat them PATIENTLY - showing self-control under stress.
KINDLY – giving attention, appreciation, and encouragement (being present...a good listener)
with HUMILITY – being authentic, without arrogance or pretense (not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less)
RESPECTFULLY – treating others as important people
SELFLESSLY – meeting the needs of others
FORGIVING – giving up resentment when wronged
HONESTLY – being consistent with truth, giving people feedback, good and bad, being predictable and fair.
WITH COMMITMENT – sticking with your choices, extending and stretching ourselves for others.
The next time you say “I love you”, consider that you are choosing to treat that person in these ways.
We have a choice about whether we will behave lovingly toward others. Most of the time we will have to sacrifice…put down…take authority over…our egos, our moods, or our own self-interest.
Loving someone, and learning to love people, all kinds of people, is a wonderful thing. Love is the most powerful motivating force in the universe.
The next time you think about saying “I love you”…think about what you are saying…and go ahead…make their day, and yours…just say it…and mean it…”I LOVE YOU!”
And, by the way…I love you!
Are you comfortable saying these words?
“I love fast cars!” “I love the St. Louis Cardinals!” “I love to play golf!” “I love my dog!” As long as we have a good feeling about something, we can say we love it! We usually don’t associate “love” with anything but gooooood, positive “feelings”.
Most of us have some issues when it comes to these three words. It just seems to be the way we are conditioned as a result of experience and society. In fact those three words can drive some of us nuts. If you ever want to see someone look like a deer in the head lights, just for effect, spring those words on them unexpectedly.
When Tammy and I were dating, 36 years ago, we had issues with those words. As a YELLOW, I was most reluctant to say those words, no matter how much I knew my BLUE girlfriend wanted to hear them. (Sounds too much like “commitment, responsibility,…MARRIAGE!!!) As we continued to court each other, I somehow managed to get enough courage to say…”I love you, for today”. This was long before we knew anything about how much MOTIVE MATTERS and Color Code. About a year later, we went through a high school break-up. Tammy seemed to be showing way to much interest in another guy, so I began to try to win her back. When faced with the prospect of losing her to the competition, it was amazing how bold I became in saying “Hey!...I Love YOU!!” She would smugly look out the window of my ’66 Shelby Mustang without comment.
“Do YOU love ME??!!??!!??”, I would implore.
After what seemed like an eternity, she would say, “I guess I love you…for today”.
PAYBACK! Oh, I hated that. Believe it or not, YELLOW wanted “commitment” from his BLUE!!! (As I reflect back, I think she was using excellent color code skills by nature. She was doing the very thing that pushed me to get real with my true feelings, and develop commitment in my “yellow” self.
Are you fearful of saying I Love You? Do you know what you are saying when you say it?
All the rules change in a relationship when you say those three words, I love you. Why?
Because love goes to the heart of the matter. It clarifies your ultimate motive upon which the relationship is built. Beyond our innate personalities which are driven by our gift of core motive, whether POWER, INTIMACY, PEACE, or FUN, all of us are driven by fear or love. The expression of love being the motive brings confidence that the agenda is to do good and not harm. But love is a powerful motive. As Randy Gariss said, “Love can do much harm or much good because it goes to the deepest parts of the soul and the emotions.”
What most people don’t realize is, love is not just a noun…a feeling… love is a verb. 99% of the time when we say “I love you”, we are admitting to ourselves, or the other person, that there is a “feeling”, an emotion, of fondness, goodwill, or connection. However, the highest form of love, agape, is something you “do”, not something you “feel”. This love is described and can be heard at almost every wedding ceremony. You know…”Love is patient. Love is kind”…
In his wonderful book “Servant Leadership”, author James C. Hunter paraphrases the ingredients of the highest love found in I Cor. 13 this way:
“Love is how you choose to treat a person. How you choose to act and react toward them”.
It is choosing to treat them PATIENTLY - showing self-control under stress.
KINDLY – giving attention, appreciation, and encouragement (being present...a good listener)
with HUMILITY – being authentic, without arrogance or pretense (not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less)
RESPECTFULLY – treating others as important people
SELFLESSLY – meeting the needs of others
FORGIVING – giving up resentment when wronged
HONESTLY – being consistent with truth, giving people feedback, good and bad, being predictable and fair.
WITH COMMITMENT – sticking with your choices, extending and stretching ourselves for others.
The next time you say “I love you”, consider that you are choosing to treat that person in these ways.
We have a choice about whether we will behave lovingly toward others. Most of the time we will have to sacrifice…put down…take authority over…our egos, our moods, or our own self-interest.
Loving someone, and learning to love people, all kinds of people, is a wonderful thing. Love is the most powerful motivating force in the universe.
The next time you think about saying “I love you”…think about what you are saying…and go ahead…make their day, and yours…just say it…and mean it…”I LOVE YOU!”
And, by the way…I love you!
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