Last week, during a Motive Matters/Color Code class on relationships, Tammy and I shared a couple of examples of what, at the time, were serious conflicts from from our marriage relationship. Harsh words had been spoken, feelings were hurt, negative emotions were activated, insecurities showed themselves plainly. We were doing what all couples do…fighting.
During the class, someone asked, “So, how do get over it…how do you resolve it…what do you do when you are both mad, and hurt, wounded and both of you have your feet dug in, aggressively defending your positions?”
GREAT QUESTION!
Over the course of the next several blogs, I will share some of the things Tammy and I have learned to do. Some of these are “processes”, and some are “techniques”.
All of them add up to “skills” or “competencies” of one sort or another. They usually fall into the category of Emotional Intelligence (EI) skills, or Communication skills. The good news is, everyone reading this can learn to develop a skill set of your own. You may be weak and uncomfortable with EI and communicating feelings, like I was…but ALL OF US can improve!
Motive matters, a lot! Let’s start with motive, and needs and wants. (Be sure you know your own needs and wants from your core and secondary colors.)
Needs and wants are different from gifts and strengths. Whether your heart’s motive is clean or dirty, will often cause your needs and wants to create a wall that blocks successful inter-personal relationship.
Dr. Taylor Hartman says, “In my experience there are really only two motives that drive people; fear and love.”
William Young, in his brilliant Best Seller, “The Shack”, writes about the two choices we humans often make that cause us so much pain, hurt, and block us in our relationship with God and each other; selfishness and independence.
In my experience, I have found, when the motive of my heart is fear based…THAT is when I most often make choices that are selfish and independent.
When I open myself to be motivated by the power of love, I am much more secure within my own self. I am more secure in my two brains…my thinking brain, and my emotional brain. I am infinitely more capable of “owning” my own shortcomings and failures and admitting to them.
People who are secure, and motivated by love are empowered to utter those rare but beautiful, healing words, “I was wrong”. In his book, “Sandcastles”, Taylor Hartman writes, “You must be willing to be wrong sometimes. And in order to be wrong, you have to know you are still a legitimate and worthy human being. The person, who doesn’t feel he/she is intrinsically worthy, is always the most insecure party in conflict communication. The weakest link controls the relationship”.
The opposite of humility is insecurity. Always be checking yourself for defensive behavior. Defensiveness is the tip off that insecurity is as work. Fear and insecurity go hand in hand.
Taylor reminds us, “Secure people SEEK feedback from others.” During those times when this feedback is not perceived by you as being positive, remember…secure people genuinely respond by saying, “Thank you.”
Ponder these thoughts. Pray about them. Seek love. It is the highest motive for living a charactered life. More to come....
During the class, someone asked, “So, how do get over it…how do you resolve it…what do you do when you are both mad, and hurt, wounded and both of you have your feet dug in, aggressively defending your positions?”
GREAT QUESTION!
Over the course of the next several blogs, I will share some of the things Tammy and I have learned to do. Some of these are “processes”, and some are “techniques”.
All of them add up to “skills” or “competencies” of one sort or another. They usually fall into the category of Emotional Intelligence (EI) skills, or Communication skills. The good news is, everyone reading this can learn to develop a skill set of your own. You may be weak and uncomfortable with EI and communicating feelings, like I was…but ALL OF US can improve!
Motive matters, a lot! Let’s start with motive, and needs and wants. (Be sure you know your own needs and wants from your core and secondary colors.)
Needs and wants are different from gifts and strengths. Whether your heart’s motive is clean or dirty, will often cause your needs and wants to create a wall that blocks successful inter-personal relationship.
Dr. Taylor Hartman says, “In my experience there are really only two motives that drive people; fear and love.”
William Young, in his brilliant Best Seller, “The Shack”, writes about the two choices we humans often make that cause us so much pain, hurt, and block us in our relationship with God and each other; selfishness and independence.
In my experience, I have found, when the motive of my heart is fear based…THAT is when I most often make choices that are selfish and independent.
When I open myself to be motivated by the power of love, I am much more secure within my own self. I am more secure in my two brains…my thinking brain, and my emotional brain. I am infinitely more capable of “owning” my own shortcomings and failures and admitting to them.
People who are secure, and motivated by love are empowered to utter those rare but beautiful, healing words, “I was wrong”. In his book, “Sandcastles”, Taylor Hartman writes, “You must be willing to be wrong sometimes. And in order to be wrong, you have to know you are still a legitimate and worthy human being. The person, who doesn’t feel he/she is intrinsically worthy, is always the most insecure party in conflict communication. The weakest link controls the relationship”.
The opposite of humility is insecurity. Always be checking yourself for defensive behavior. Defensiveness is the tip off that insecurity is as work. Fear and insecurity go hand in hand.
Taylor reminds us, “Secure people SEEK feedback from others.” During those times when this feedback is not perceived by you as being positive, remember…secure people genuinely respond by saying, “Thank you.”
Ponder these thoughts. Pray about them. Seek love. It is the highest motive for living a charactered life. More to come....
No comments:
Post a Comment