http://fourstateshomepage.com/life/family-first
Hi friends,
Tammy and I hope this finds you, all, well and your relationships growing and healthy.
In case you missed it, KSN TV did a news article about Motive Matters and The Color Code during the 10:00 O'clock edition. You can see the article by clicking on the above link. (It is 2 minutes and 13 seconds long.)
We wish to give kudos to Wendell and Maura, and to Anchor, Toni Valliere, and Camera Man, Eric, for their fine work. Thank you KSN TV for promoting family values and healthy relationships on "The Hometown News at 10"!
Keep learning, stretching, growing, and serving.
Have a great day, great relationships, and a great life:) !
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
2011 Valentine Weekend Retreat in Branson
Visit our website www.MotiveMatters.com for details and registration
for our exciting Valentine Weekend Retreat!
This year we have chosen to host our retreat at the fabulous Chateau on the Lake in Branson, Missouri! You will love the beautiful rooms overlooking Table Rock Lake. This is an amazing 4 star facility and will prove to be a fun, informative and memorable weekend that will strengthen your marriage and leave you with lasting memories of a special Valentine with your special Valentine!
Dr. Taylor Hartman, creator of The Color Code will be joining us for the weekend, presenting our keynote address on Saturday evening, following a romantic dinner, to end a great day of Motive!
Van and Tammy Benson will be training a more in depth module on The Color Code, along with fresh new information and videos you will enjoy, and find a valuable addition to your Motive knowledge.
Due to sponsorship by the Miami Tribe of Oklahoma and Motive Matters, this is an opportunity for you to take part in world class training and hear internationally famous and best selling author, Dr. Hartman speak on the topic that is near and dear to all of us....our marriages and families. Don't miss this rare opportunity! The price is reasonable and includes 2 nights stay and meals for you both on Saturday and Sunday morning.
We are going to have a GREAT time, being together and learning together!
See you there! Space is limited! Register now at www.MotiveMatters.com
Our best to you!
Van and Tammy
Monday, October 18, 2010
Motive Matters Training Update
It is such a joy, pleasure, and privilege to share life with so many of you.
Our lives have been enriched by all the wonderful people who participate in our workshops. Thank you so much!
To all who joined us this past weekend at the Hilton Garden Inn we want to give you a word of encouragement. You guys were a GREAT group!
Remember...it is Continuous SELF Improvement. Apply your new knowledge of Motive Matters and The Color Code making use of the gifts of humility, courage, and grace. Move forward with gentle but sure steps. Don't try to fix everything instantly. Learn to enjoy the journey. Be patient with yourself and your mate.
Be reminded how special and important you are. There are people in your life who are waiting for you to take the first steps. You can do this.
Refuse to allow "perfection" to thwart improvement within yourself. Never expect perfection from your mate. You married a fallible human being, and by the way, so did your spouse. Let patience have it's perfect work.
Tammy and I will be continually thinking of you and lifting you up. Call on us if you need help.
LOVE - "Extending one's self for one's own, or anothers, spiritual growth. (M. Scott Peck)
We love you guys! Hope you have a blessed day. May the very best of life be yours. Life is all about relationships.
Van Benson, President, Motive Matters
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Motive Matters - Change Your World View! by Van Benson
Everyone has a world view.
Dr. Henry T. Close writes in his book Metaphor in Psychotherapy, "World views are formed gradually from the moments of birth, by the untold thousands of experiences a person has in life.
Dr. Taylor Hartman writes in his book, The People Code, "Red, Blue, White, or Yellow, (Power, Intimacy, Peace, or Fun) everyone is motivated by an internal driving core personality that completely colors how he or she views and experiences life."
So, which is it?
Is our world view determined by our driving core motive, or by our life experiences?
Is it nature, or nurture?
It is both.
I have an important question for you, however.
Which comes first? (Ponder this for a moment.)
In Motive Theory, we teach that we all came here with an innate personality. We had it before we took our first breath. Ask any woman who has carried more than one child in the womb. They will inform you they could tell a difference in those kids, in the womb!
Amazing.
Motive is an innermost impulse to action.
So, what comes first, the action, or the impulse (the motive)?
The answer is, the impulse, the motive. (True, many times the impulse is not recognizable to the conscious mind. The action may be almost instantaneous, a result of the workings of the amygdala, the emotional control center of the brain. When you are startled by an unexpected sound you may physically react in as little as 30/1000 of a second.)
The word motive, and the word emotion, come from the same root word which means "to move". For this reason, if we are to understand why we do what we do, and why we see our world the way we do, we must understand the core motive which drives our personalities.
In my experience, I have found that my core motive of "Fun" operates, for the most part, in my subconscious. I am not aware of it's force which exerts itself upon my thoughts, my attitudes, or even my behaviors. This is why Motive Matters training in The Color Code is so valuable, important, and life changing. Through training, I gain knowledge which provides the power of awareness. When I am aware of my motives, I am much better equipped to control and manage them. I can begin to live emotionally intelligent, rather than just operating in my automatic mode. This is what we call personal power.
Color Code training goes right to the heart of the matter of my personality, and my world view.
I see the world through "Yellow" glasses. If I am not enjoying life, what is the use? I can do certain things, which are required, such as working, studying, concentrating, but if too much time goes by, without something, about what I am doing, being FUN, I will lose interest and focus. If I am forced to continue, over an extended period of time, doing something that is no fun at all, I can build up a lot of inner turmoil, even anger. I will seek escape.
Reds are so different in the way they see life. They see through RED glasses. Motivated by "Power", if they are not moving from A to B, being productive, and getting things done, they are not happy campers.
Whites are motivated by Peace. They seek an inner sense of calm and tranquility, avoiding conflict at all cost. Without peace, life is no good.
And, our Blues are driven by Intimacy, deep, close, personal, trusting connections of the heart. A life without purpose, and deep connections is no life at all. That's the way they see the world.
We see the world differently, don't we?
Well.............who is right?
I can hear all of you, in all your different perspectives and colors saying in unison, "I am!" (Especially you Reds! :)
Our world views tend to be self validating. We are not very objective when it comes to our world view. We look for, and seek out, people, situations, circumstances, knowledge, that will confirm, or validate "OUR" world view. Because of this tendancy, our world view often becomes a "self-fulfilling prophecy". As Dr. Close puts it, "If I think people don't like me, I may tend to be less socially engaging. This may result in my having few close friends. Therefore, my world view must be right. I am not very likeable."
Is the world view correct in the afore mentioned example? Is it based in truth? Is it reality?
When Tammy and I conduct Motive Matters seminars, we always tell our audience, "This training will change your life. You will never see yourself, or anyone else the same." When we return to train a group, or a team, for the second or third time, I always ask them whether they have seen any changes in their thoughts, attitudes or perspectives. With very few exceptions, the answer is always a resounding yes.
Reds tell of how they are becoming more sensitive to the feelings of others. Blues tell of learning to overcome their unrealistic expectations. Whites say, "I am learning to be more social, to speak up." And Yellows are so proud that they are beginning to be more focused and organized.
These changes come from shifts in world view. I know of no other tool, in the field of personality, which helps people to understand and value each other more effectively, than Motive Matters, and The Color Code. Blue Tammy calls the process "The healing power of understanding." This healing often is the result of either a conscious or unconscious change of world view.
I have an idea, for a great change of world view, I would like for you to consider.
"Life is all about relationships!"
Yes, people are different. We are motivated by different impulses. Our differences are a good thing. Our differences were never meant to confound or confuse us, but to remind us of an important truth. We were always meant to be a TEAM!
We need each other.
Now, that's what I call a "New and Improved" world view!
Make plans to attend a Motive Matters training. Our next one is in Miami OK on August 28th from 10:00 A.M. to 5:00 P.M. This seminar is almost filled to capacity, so make your reservations soon, or get on the notification list for upcoming events. You can do so by sending an email to tammy@motivematters.com.
Have a great day...and a great world view! :)
I
Dr. Henry T. Close writes in his book Metaphor in Psychotherapy, "World views are formed gradually from the moments of birth, by the untold thousands of experiences a person has in life.
Dr. Taylor Hartman writes in his book, The People Code, "Red, Blue, White, or Yellow, (Power, Intimacy, Peace, or Fun) everyone is motivated by an internal driving core personality that completely colors how he or she views and experiences life."
So, which is it?
Is our world view determined by our driving core motive, or by our life experiences?
Is it nature, or nurture?
It is both.
I have an important question for you, however.
Which comes first? (Ponder this for a moment.)
In Motive Theory, we teach that we all came here with an innate personality. We had it before we took our first breath. Ask any woman who has carried more than one child in the womb. They will inform you they could tell a difference in those kids, in the womb!
Amazing.
Motive is an innermost impulse to action.
So, what comes first, the action, or the impulse (the motive)?
The answer is, the impulse, the motive. (True, many times the impulse is not recognizable to the conscious mind. The action may be almost instantaneous, a result of the workings of the amygdala, the emotional control center of the brain. When you are startled by an unexpected sound you may physically react in as little as 30/1000 of a second.)
The word motive, and the word emotion, come from the same root word which means "to move". For this reason, if we are to understand why we do what we do, and why we see our world the way we do, we must understand the core motive which drives our personalities.
In my experience, I have found that my core motive of "Fun" operates, for the most part, in my subconscious. I am not aware of it's force which exerts itself upon my thoughts, my attitudes, or even my behaviors. This is why Motive Matters training in The Color Code is so valuable, important, and life changing. Through training, I gain knowledge which provides the power of awareness. When I am aware of my motives, I am much better equipped to control and manage them. I can begin to live emotionally intelligent, rather than just operating in my automatic mode. This is what we call personal power.
Color Code training goes right to the heart of the matter of my personality, and my world view.
I see the world through "Yellow" glasses. If I am not enjoying life, what is the use? I can do certain things, which are required, such as working, studying, concentrating, but if too much time goes by, without something, about what I am doing, being FUN, I will lose interest and focus. If I am forced to continue, over an extended period of time, doing something that is no fun at all, I can build up a lot of inner turmoil, even anger. I will seek escape.
Reds are so different in the way they see life. They see through RED glasses. Motivated by "Power", if they are not moving from A to B, being productive, and getting things done, they are not happy campers.
Whites are motivated by Peace. They seek an inner sense of calm and tranquility, avoiding conflict at all cost. Without peace, life is no good.
And, our Blues are driven by Intimacy, deep, close, personal, trusting connections of the heart. A life without purpose, and deep connections is no life at all. That's the way they see the world.
We see the world differently, don't we?
Well.............who is right?
I can hear all of you, in all your different perspectives and colors saying in unison, "I am!" (Especially you Reds! :)
Our world views tend to be self validating. We are not very objective when it comes to our world view. We look for, and seek out, people, situations, circumstances, knowledge, that will confirm, or validate "OUR" world view. Because of this tendancy, our world view often becomes a "self-fulfilling prophecy". As Dr. Close puts it, "If I think people don't like me, I may tend to be less socially engaging. This may result in my having few close friends. Therefore, my world view must be right. I am not very likeable."
Is the world view correct in the afore mentioned example? Is it based in truth? Is it reality?
When Tammy and I conduct Motive Matters seminars, we always tell our audience, "This training will change your life. You will never see yourself, or anyone else the same." When we return to train a group, or a team, for the second or third time, I always ask them whether they have seen any changes in their thoughts, attitudes or perspectives. With very few exceptions, the answer is always a resounding yes.
Reds tell of how they are becoming more sensitive to the feelings of others. Blues tell of learning to overcome their unrealistic expectations. Whites say, "I am learning to be more social, to speak up." And Yellows are so proud that they are beginning to be more focused and organized.
These changes come from shifts in world view. I know of no other tool, in the field of personality, which helps people to understand and value each other more effectively, than Motive Matters, and The Color Code. Blue Tammy calls the process "The healing power of understanding." This healing often is the result of either a conscious or unconscious change of world view.
I have an idea, for a great change of world view, I would like for you to consider.
"Life is all about relationships!"
Yes, people are different. We are motivated by different impulses. Our differences are a good thing. Our differences were never meant to confound or confuse us, but to remind us of an important truth. We were always meant to be a TEAM!
We need each other.
Now, that's what I call a "New and Improved" world view!
Make plans to attend a Motive Matters training. Our next one is in Miami OK on August 28th from 10:00 A.M. to 5:00 P.M. This seminar is almost filled to capacity, so make your reservations soon, or get on the notification list for upcoming events. You can do so by sending an email to tammy@motivematters.com.
Have a great day...and a great world view! :)
I
Sunday, August 8, 2010
How Does This Work? -Van Benson, Motive Matters, Color Code
Hi friends,
Tammy and I have met so many great and wonderful people during the past several months. I can't tell you all how much I appreciate and value the time we spend together learning about Motive. A more correct way to put that would be, how we are learning about ourselves and each other, about people. What could be more important? ...(I will let you think about that one...)
We just returned home from Frankfort KY, after a Motive Matters, Color Code training with 42 teachers and administration at Frankfort Christian Academy. What a COOL school! They have a beautiful facility, a former T-shirt factory, which they converted, through much love and hard work, for a much higher higher purpose. We were privileged to get to meet, and interact, with the people who make it their life and ministry to educate the next generation of young people from in and around their city. Thank you to Paul and Linda Simms and the entire staff of FCA for making our training day a success.
We laughed, we cried, we pondered, we considered,...we learned!
On our flight home from Louisville to Tulsa, aboard the great Southwest Airlines, (I am a raving fan of theirs) I read an article in Spirit Magazine, written by Keith Runnels, a supervisor, Aircraft Maintenance, Dallas.
"Keith realized early on he could turn his tinkering habit into a career. As a little boy, one of his family's friends worked as an aviation mechanic. One weekend my Dad brought home a motorcycle in a box", Keith says. "He'd actually brought it home in pieces. Hank, the mechanic, told my Dad to take us out for the weekend, and when we got back home, he had put the entire motorcycle together!"
This impressive feat stuck in Keith's mind for years. He describes working as a mechanic for Southwest Airlines as, "the pinnacle of my career."
As a Maintenance Supervisor, his favorite question is, "How does this work?" Great question! Then he got me! He writes, "I found this applies to my fellow workers, as well as to airplanes.
He is right.
It is so helpful to know how people work. What makes them tick? What is the MOTIVE that MATTERS to them? Teachers love to learn what motivates their students as well as what motivates themselves, personally. Soooo helpful.
No matter what your profession; teacher, doctor, policeman, factory worker, manager, executive, knowing and understanding people is at the heart of your ability to be successful in life. Learning to value all people, regardless of personality differences, learning to "speak their language", and serve their emotional and psychological needs, creates trust and high performance teamwork. As Dr. Taylor Hartman says, "Life is all about Relationships!"
This month alone we will be training over 350 teachers about how Motive Matters in relationships. We hope our time together will result in knowledge and understanding that will help these teachers learn to VALUE, RESPECT, and MOTIVATE their students in a new and powerful way, bringing out the very best in all.
Let's all continue, as Dr. W. Edwards Deming said, to have a "yearnin' for learnin'." Let's keep stretching, growing, extending ourselves, for our own personal growth, and for the growth and benefit of others.
Very best of living to all. GO TEAM!
Tammy and I have met so many great and wonderful people during the past several months. I can't tell you all how much I appreciate and value the time we spend together learning about Motive. A more correct way to put that would be, how we are learning about ourselves and each other, about people. What could be more important? ...(I will let you think about that one...)
We just returned home from Frankfort KY, after a Motive Matters, Color Code training with 42 teachers and administration at Frankfort Christian Academy. What a COOL school! They have a beautiful facility, a former T-shirt factory, which they converted, through much love and hard work, for a much higher higher purpose. We were privileged to get to meet, and interact, with the people who make it their life and ministry to educate the next generation of young people from in and around their city. Thank you to Paul and Linda Simms and the entire staff of FCA for making our training day a success.
We laughed, we cried, we pondered, we considered,...we learned!
On our flight home from Louisville to Tulsa, aboard the great Southwest Airlines, (I am a raving fan of theirs) I read an article in Spirit Magazine, written by Keith Runnels, a supervisor, Aircraft Maintenance, Dallas.
"Keith realized early on he could turn his tinkering habit into a career. As a little boy, one of his family's friends worked as an aviation mechanic. One weekend my Dad brought home a motorcycle in a box", Keith says. "He'd actually brought it home in pieces. Hank, the mechanic, told my Dad to take us out for the weekend, and when we got back home, he had put the entire motorcycle together!"
This impressive feat stuck in Keith's mind for years. He describes working as a mechanic for Southwest Airlines as, "the pinnacle of my career."
As a Maintenance Supervisor, his favorite question is, "How does this work?" Great question! Then he got me! He writes, "I found this applies to my fellow workers, as well as to airplanes.
He is right.
It is so helpful to know how people work. What makes them tick? What is the MOTIVE that MATTERS to them? Teachers love to learn what motivates their students as well as what motivates themselves, personally. Soooo helpful.
No matter what your profession; teacher, doctor, policeman, factory worker, manager, executive, knowing and understanding people is at the heart of your ability to be successful in life. Learning to value all people, regardless of personality differences, learning to "speak their language", and serve their emotional and psychological needs, creates trust and high performance teamwork. As Dr. Taylor Hartman says, "Life is all about Relationships!"
This month alone we will be training over 350 teachers about how Motive Matters in relationships. We hope our time together will result in knowledge and understanding that will help these teachers learn to VALUE, RESPECT, and MOTIVATE their students in a new and powerful way, bringing out the very best in all.
Let's all continue, as Dr. W. Edwards Deming said, to have a "yearnin' for learnin'." Let's keep stretching, growing, extending ourselves, for our own personal growth, and for the growth and benefit of others.
Very best of living to all. GO TEAM!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Hello everybody:)!!
Wow, it's been a while since I blogged. Tammy and I have been on a whirlwind of trainings.
The Valentine Retreat in Branson was absolutely wonderful. To all our friends who attended, we want you to know we will never forget the special time we enjoyed together. It was you who made it special. Everyone participated and shared. I wish we could have bottled that retreat, and offerred it to the entire world. Thank you to everyone! Special "Kudos" to Valery and Tammy and Stefany for all your hard work of preparation that paid off in improving relationships for all. You are the best "TEAM" ever!
For our corporate teams that we have been with in the last 8 weeks, you should know how proud we are of you. Your work of CSI, Continuous Self-Improvement has been an inspiration to us. You are doing a great job. Keep up the "work". Become your "Very Best!" Keep getting better, with the goal being to bring your gifts and strengths to help as many people as you can.
We arrived home last night from a trip to our nation's capitol. We had the priviledge of training a team from The Pentagon. This is a team that protects the people who protect "The People" of the United States of America, the greatest nation on earth.
With all the negativity in politics and government that is going on in our world, it was sooooooo refreshing to be with a team of people who do the work on the ground every day. Any company in the world would give their eye teeth to have a team like this one. The trust, commitment, loyalty, dedication, discipline, and team spirit they possess, serves as a model to the goodness and character derived from training and service in the military and policing professions. Kudos to each and every one of you on the "TEAM". Thank you for allowing us to serve you with training in Motive. Continue in being "Your Very Best!" Your service to the people of our nation, our children and grandchildren, is deeply appreciated.
I will close out this blog with this thought from our dear friend, the Author and Originator of "The Color Code/The People Code", Dr. Taylor Hartman. Your gifts are given, primarily, to benefit others. Being self-aware will help you use your strengths, and defy your limitations. The aim, in all we do, is to help you create and sustain successful relationships, so that your life, when it is all said and done, will benefit others, and yourself, to the greatest extent possible.
As he so often says, "Bring your gifts to bless the lives of others."
We love you all.
Van and Tammy
Wow, it's been a while since I blogged. Tammy and I have been on a whirlwind of trainings.
The Valentine Retreat in Branson was absolutely wonderful. To all our friends who attended, we want you to know we will never forget the special time we enjoyed together. It was you who made it special. Everyone participated and shared. I wish we could have bottled that retreat, and offerred it to the entire world. Thank you to everyone! Special "Kudos" to Valery and Tammy and Stefany for all your hard work of preparation that paid off in improving relationships for all. You are the best "TEAM" ever!
For our corporate teams that we have been with in the last 8 weeks, you should know how proud we are of you. Your work of CSI, Continuous Self-Improvement has been an inspiration to us. You are doing a great job. Keep up the "work". Become your "Very Best!" Keep getting better, with the goal being to bring your gifts and strengths to help as many people as you can.
We arrived home last night from a trip to our nation's capitol. We had the priviledge of training a team from The Pentagon. This is a team that protects the people who protect "The People" of the United States of America, the greatest nation on earth.
With all the negativity in politics and government that is going on in our world, it was sooooooo refreshing to be with a team of people who do the work on the ground every day. Any company in the world would give their eye teeth to have a team like this one. The trust, commitment, loyalty, dedication, discipline, and team spirit they possess, serves as a model to the goodness and character derived from training and service in the military and policing professions. Kudos to each and every one of you on the "TEAM". Thank you for allowing us to serve you with training in Motive. Continue in being "Your Very Best!" Your service to the people of our nation, our children and grandchildren, is deeply appreciated.
I will close out this blog with this thought from our dear friend, the Author and Originator of "The Color Code/The People Code", Dr. Taylor Hartman. Your gifts are given, primarily, to benefit others. Being self-aware will help you use your strengths, and defy your limitations. The aim, in all we do, is to help you create and sustain successful relationships, so that your life, when it is all said and done, will benefit others, and yourself, to the greatest extent possible.
As he so often says, "Bring your gifts to bless the lives of others."
We love you all.
Van and Tammy
Monday, January 11, 2010
Valentine Retreat in Branson!!!
This is going to be so much FUN!
A weekend retreat for couples in Branson, sponsored by The Miami Tribe of Oklahoma. This is your opportunity to attend a fantastic weekend that will strengthen your marriage for life. Because of the Tribe's sponsorship it is being made at a most affordable price for couples.
Color Code/Motive training sessions begin Saturday morning Feb. 13th, at 9:00 o'clock A.M., but you can come on friday evening and start the weekend off with some private time together. Take in a show, shop, or just hang out!
Lunch will be served Saturday and a scrumptious filet dinner in the evening. Mmmmm! Can't wait.
Reserve your spot today by clicking on the Billboard or the Miami Tribe of Oklahoma banner at http://www.motivematters.com/.
For questions or information email us at vanandtammy@msn.com or call Valery at 417-540-6019.
Space is limited, so make your reservations today.
We look forward to an unforgetable time together.
Van and Tammy Benson
Friday, November 27, 2009
Just take a step of self improvement!
Motive Matters provides us with a simple, easy to understand tool of self-awareness.
Self-awareness is a fundamental tool for self improvement.
"Get" yourself. Where are you? What is going on in your life? Decide to take a step toward a better life. Take responsibility and stop the blame game.
Personality is a gift, character is a victory!
Self-awareness is a fundamental tool for self improvement.
"Get" yourself. Where are you? What is going on in your life? Decide to take a step toward a better life. Take responsibility and stop the blame game.
Personality is a gift, character is a victory!
Help others by being you!
As Thomas Aquinas wrote, "Human life would seem to consist in that in which each man most delights, that for which he especially strives, and that which he particularly wishes to share with his friends."
Motive Matters is a window into a marvelous and fascinating world of people.
People.
The highest order of creation.
You.
A member of the Human Team.
“Your Designer couples the "want to" with the "be able to." Desire shares the driver's seat with ability. The oak indwells the acorn.” (Max Lucado, Upwords, “Read Your Life Backwords”)
Your driving core motive, your color, is your gift. What you do with it is your gift.
You can choose to get what you want out of life, or you can choose to serve others with your color, and help them get what they want and need.
Dr. Taylor Hartman writes, “Personality is a gift, character is a victory!”
Get your self…get truth…get over yourself…get others!
Motive Matters is a window into a marvelous and fascinating world of people.
People.
The highest order of creation.
You.
A member of the Human Team.
“Your Designer couples the "want to" with the "be able to." Desire shares the driver's seat with ability. The oak indwells the acorn.” (Max Lucado, Upwords, “Read Your Life Backwords”)
Your driving core motive, your color, is your gift. What you do with it is your gift.
You can choose to get what you want out of life, or you can choose to serve others with your color, and help them get what they want and need.
Dr. Taylor Hartman writes, “Personality is a gift, character is a victory!”
Get your self…get truth…get over yourself…get others!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Good article on self-control
I hope you enjoy the following article from Purpose Driven Life. I am happy to receive articles like this in my email inbox on a daily basis.
Healing Choices: Controlled by Circumstances or Character
Rick Warren From PurposeDriven.com In our Devotionals series, Pastor Rick Warren discusses the Bible passages that inspire him the most. Today's Devotional is based on this passage:
“It is better to win control over yourself than over whole cities” (Proverbs 16:32 TEV).
When we say things like, ‘That makes me so mad…so sad…feel so bad,’ then we’re actually saying that circumstances control the way we feel. Yet, we do have a choice. We have the ability to make healing choices. We can choose to remain positive; we can choose to not let some circumstance ‘make’ us mad.
The ability to control our reactions, to handle hurt without retaliating is called meekness. Jesus promised, “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:5 NIV). Meek people control their reactions toward life and this gives them far more control over a situation than if they simply react.
If you are a meek person, you are no longer a victim. You control your choices. The best definition of meekness in the Bible is Proverbs 16:32: “ . . . It is better to win control over yourself than over whole cities” (TEV).
During World War II, the noted psychiatrist Victor Frankl was a prisoner in the concentration camp at Auschwitz. He said, “They took my clothes, my wife, my kids, my wedding ring. I stood naked before the SS and I realized they can take everything in my life but they cannot take my freedom to choose how I will respond to them."
That is a freedom you will always have. How do I react? How do I choose to react to those people who hurt me?
We will be blessed when we show self-control. You might be thinking, ‘That leaves me out! I can't control my reactions! I can't get them under control!’ The secret of controlling your reaction is letting God's Spirit fill your life moment-by-moment. He'll break all those bad habits, all those patterns of reacting, all those old ways of being negative, defensive--reacting in fear, in anger, in sarcasm. He can break all those old patterns in your life and fill your life with power, love, and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7).
Some of us are stressed out by life, by circumstances, by relationships. What do we need more than anything else? We need to develop the quality of meekness; the quality of controlling our reactions by the Spirit God has placed in us.
You can learn more about what God wants for you by reading The Purpose Driven Life.
Healing Choices: Controlled by Circumstances or Character
Rick Warren From PurposeDriven.com In our Devotionals series, Pastor Rick Warren discusses the Bible passages that inspire him the most. Today's Devotional is based on this passage:
“It is better to win control over yourself than over whole cities” (Proverbs 16:32 TEV).
When we say things like, ‘That makes me so mad…so sad…feel so bad,’ then we’re actually saying that circumstances control the way we feel. Yet, we do have a choice. We have the ability to make healing choices. We can choose to remain positive; we can choose to not let some circumstance ‘make’ us mad.
The ability to control our reactions, to handle hurt without retaliating is called meekness. Jesus promised, “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:5 NIV). Meek people control their reactions toward life and this gives them far more control over a situation than if they simply react.
If you are a meek person, you are no longer a victim. You control your choices. The best definition of meekness in the Bible is Proverbs 16:32: “ . . . It is better to win control over yourself than over whole cities” (TEV).
During World War II, the noted psychiatrist Victor Frankl was a prisoner in the concentration camp at Auschwitz. He said, “They took my clothes, my wife, my kids, my wedding ring. I stood naked before the SS and I realized they can take everything in my life but they cannot take my freedom to choose how I will respond to them."
That is a freedom you will always have. How do I react? How do I choose to react to those people who hurt me?
We will be blessed when we show self-control. You might be thinking, ‘That leaves me out! I can't control my reactions! I can't get them under control!’ The secret of controlling your reaction is letting God's Spirit fill your life moment-by-moment. He'll break all those bad habits, all those patterns of reacting, all those old ways of being negative, defensive--reacting in fear, in anger, in sarcasm. He can break all those old patterns in your life and fill your life with power, love, and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7).
Some of us are stressed out by life, by circumstances, by relationships. What do we need more than anything else? We need to develop the quality of meekness; the quality of controlling our reactions by the Spirit God has placed in us.
You can learn more about what God wants for you by reading The Purpose Driven Life.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
I like this column by Cal Thomas
Well said by Cal Thomas. www.calthomas.com
The Voice Claims Another Victim
By Cal Thomas
The first thing that should be acknowledged about South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s admission to an extramarital affair is that it could happen to any of us. That is not an excuse (and no, it has not happened to me, or to my wife). Every married person has heard the voice; the one that says you deserve something “better.”
Gov. Sanford should have been familiar with the voice because of the Bible studies he attended. The voice began seducing humanity a long time ago. It told our first parents that they needed more than the perfection of Eden. The voice told them that God knew that if they ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil they would be like God. But they already were like God, because they were made in His image.
Stick with me you secularists and non-literalists, because there is a point to be made for you, too.
Psychiatrists explain that married people tire of one another after 10 or 20 years (it used to be seven years, as in that Marilyn Monroe/Tom Ewell film “The Seven Year Itch.” Must be inflation.). Good marriages are the result of hard work. Forsaking all others is more than a wedding promise. It is a daily denial of one’s lower instincts. Temptation is everywhere. The key to overcoming it is to realize you are fighting an adversarial force that wants to destroy you, embarrass you and cause ridicule to be heaped on the God you claim to worship.
One can make excuses about power and loneliness and starting out as a friendship that develops into something else, as Gov. Sanford rambled on about, but one can’t explain adultery. It is what it is and the person who commits it should be calling on God for mercy, not the voters for understanding.
I once asked evangelist Billy Graham if he experienced temptations of the flesh when he was young. He said, “of course.” How did he deal with them? With passion he responded, “I asked God to strike me dead before He ever allowed me to dishonor Him in that way.” That is the kind of seriousness one needs to overcome the temptations of a corrupt culture in which shameful behavior is too often paraded in the streets.
There was a time when a divorce would disqualify someone from public office. Now people admit affairs and expect to stay in office. “It’s just sex,” said defenders of Bill Clinton. One might as well say, “it was just a gun” that killed my spouse. Adultery wounds in ways a bullet cannot. One can potentially heal from a bullet wound, but a shot to the soul and to the trust that must be central to any marriage is nearly impossible to repair. The wounded spouse always wonders, “Will he/she do it again?”
A relationship most promise to venerate “until death us do part” is damaged by adultery, whether it’s a TV evangelist, a politician or a regular Joe who violates the marriage bed. In fact, we rarely even use the word “adultery” anymore because it sounds so, uh, biblical, and those teachings and commands long ago fell out of fashion, though they work for those who embrace them.
Any man who claims never to have had thoughts of straying is a liar. Any man who has sought the help of God and other men in helping him to honor his marriage promises to his wife and children is a hero, especially in today’s morally exhausted culture.
I miss Paul Harvey and his acknowledgement of those who had been married 50, 60, even 70 years. Those people are my role models. I’m sure they heard the voice, too, but they told it to get lost and it did. Pushing against weights builds up the body, pushing against the voice builds up the soul and improves a marriage. You can never take a marriage — or the voice — for granted; it’s always on the prowl looking for new people to destroy.
Van - One thing I would add to Cal's excellent column: Kudos to the governor's wife for maintaining a willingness to seek restoration of the marriage relationship and extend forgiveness, in a spirit of christian love. Rebuilding trust takes time and hard work, but there are many couples who have done their work, repaired their connection, and are reaping the rewards of enjoying the life-long relationship called marriage. They serve as heroes to their children and all the rest of us.
The Voice Claims Another Victim
By Cal Thomas
The first thing that should be acknowledged about South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s admission to an extramarital affair is that it could happen to any of us. That is not an excuse (and no, it has not happened to me, or to my wife). Every married person has heard the voice; the one that says you deserve something “better.”
Gov. Sanford should have been familiar with the voice because of the Bible studies he attended. The voice began seducing humanity a long time ago. It told our first parents that they needed more than the perfection of Eden. The voice told them that God knew that if they ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil they would be like God. But they already were like God, because they were made in His image.
Stick with me you secularists and non-literalists, because there is a point to be made for you, too.
Psychiatrists explain that married people tire of one another after 10 or 20 years (it used to be seven years, as in that Marilyn Monroe/Tom Ewell film “The Seven Year Itch.” Must be inflation.). Good marriages are the result of hard work. Forsaking all others is more than a wedding promise. It is a daily denial of one’s lower instincts. Temptation is everywhere. The key to overcoming it is to realize you are fighting an adversarial force that wants to destroy you, embarrass you and cause ridicule to be heaped on the God you claim to worship.
One can make excuses about power and loneliness and starting out as a friendship that develops into something else, as Gov. Sanford rambled on about, but one can’t explain adultery. It is what it is and the person who commits it should be calling on God for mercy, not the voters for understanding.
I once asked evangelist Billy Graham if he experienced temptations of the flesh when he was young. He said, “of course.” How did he deal with them? With passion he responded, “I asked God to strike me dead before He ever allowed me to dishonor Him in that way.” That is the kind of seriousness one needs to overcome the temptations of a corrupt culture in which shameful behavior is too often paraded in the streets.
There was a time when a divorce would disqualify someone from public office. Now people admit affairs and expect to stay in office. “It’s just sex,” said defenders of Bill Clinton. One might as well say, “it was just a gun” that killed my spouse. Adultery wounds in ways a bullet cannot. One can potentially heal from a bullet wound, but a shot to the soul and to the trust that must be central to any marriage is nearly impossible to repair. The wounded spouse always wonders, “Will he/she do it again?”
A relationship most promise to venerate “until death us do part” is damaged by adultery, whether it’s a TV evangelist, a politician or a regular Joe who violates the marriage bed. In fact, we rarely even use the word “adultery” anymore because it sounds so, uh, biblical, and those teachings and commands long ago fell out of fashion, though they work for those who embrace them.
Any man who claims never to have had thoughts of straying is a liar. Any man who has sought the help of God and other men in helping him to honor his marriage promises to his wife and children is a hero, especially in today’s morally exhausted culture.
I miss Paul Harvey and his acknowledgement of those who had been married 50, 60, even 70 years. Those people are my role models. I’m sure they heard the voice, too, but they told it to get lost and it did. Pushing against weights builds up the body, pushing against the voice builds up the soul and improves a marriage. You can never take a marriage — or the voice — for granted; it’s always on the prowl looking for new people to destroy.
Van - One thing I would add to Cal's excellent column: Kudos to the governor's wife for maintaining a willingness to seek restoration of the marriage relationship and extend forgiveness, in a spirit of christian love. Rebuilding trust takes time and hard work, but there are many couples who have done their work, repaired their connection, and are reaping the rewards of enjoying the life-long relationship called marriage. They serve as heroes to their children and all the rest of us.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Forgive...and Live Again - Motive Matters Van Benson
Forgiveness: To stop the blame and grant pardon
No matter how innocent our intentions, how competent we are in relationship skills, there will always be conflict, born of misunderstanding, and ill conceived perceptions of the motives and actions of others. WHEN you get stuck in relationship difficulties, give yourself a little time to calm the emotions and then consider the healing power of forgiveness. A conscious decision to stop the blame and grant pardon.
Consider these selected quotations on the subject and then get ready for a moving video about a daughter extending forgiveness to a man who killed her father. Choosing to forgive someone is rarely easy or quick. Forgiving a friend or family member is often more difficult than forgiving an enemy. When we forgive, we can breath again, and so can the offending party. Forgiveness is a beautiful, freeing, gift we give to others, and to ourselves.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
"We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies."
MOHANDAS K. GANDHI:
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
THICH NHAT HANH:
"The practice of peace and reconciliation is one of the most vital and artistic of human actions."
No matter how innocent our intentions, how competent we are in relationship skills, there will always be conflict, born of misunderstanding, and ill conceived perceptions of the motives and actions of others. WHEN you get stuck in relationship difficulties, give yourself a little time to calm the emotions and then consider the healing power of forgiveness. A conscious decision to stop the blame and grant pardon.
Consider these selected quotations on the subject and then get ready for a moving video about a daughter extending forgiveness to a man who killed her father. Choosing to forgive someone is rarely easy or quick. Forgiving a friend or family member is often more difficult than forgiving an enemy. When we forgive, we can breath again, and so can the offending party. Forgiveness is a beautiful, freeing, gift we give to others, and to ourselves.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
"We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies."
MOHANDAS K. GANDHI:
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
THICH NHAT HANH:
"The practice of peace and reconciliation is one of the most vital and artistic of human actions."
Monday, June 22, 2009
Motive Matters Highlight Video - 20 mins
Our work through Motive Matters and The Color Code has given us the opportunity to work with so many wonderful people in many different venues.... from individuals and families wanting to strength their relationships to corporate management and production teams, to faith based marriage retreats, to professional development workshops for teachers, and relationship training for High School students.
We consider it a great privilege to partner with the Miami Tribe of Oklahoma, and the Administration for Native Americans, promoting the value of healthy marriages and strong relationships through the President's Healthy Marriage Initiative.
As part of our 3 year program, we will be sending a DVD of this video to each tribal household of the Miami Nation.
A special thank you to Greg Fish of www.fishxpressions.com and Gary Ohmart of www.ovcinc.com for your assistance and contributions to this video. Nice job!
We consider it a great privilege to partner with the Miami Tribe of Oklahoma, and the Administration for Native Americans, promoting the value of healthy marriages and strong relationships through the President's Healthy Marriage Initiative.
As part of our 3 year program, we will be sending a DVD of this video to each tribal household of the Miami Nation.
A special thank you to Greg Fish of www.fishxpressions.com and Gary Ohmart of www.ovcinc.com for your assistance and contributions to this video. Nice job!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
What Got into YoU? by Van Benson
I just want to say a hearty "Thank you" to the outstanding staff of Color Code International.
Thank you Lan, Jeremy, Lindsay, Matthew, and of course, Dr. Taylor Hartman, Author of The Color/People Code. You guys are awesome and we at Motive Matters love you and respect you for all you do to help us accomplish our mission.
The more we train the principles of The Color Code, the more we appreciate the author's genius of revealing the needs and wants of the four Colors.
Your individual needs and wants will usually come from your primary and secondary colors. The "needs and wants" portion of The People Code represents our "Roadmap" to serving others, speaking their "color" language, and creating, and sustaining, successful relationships. When you are consistently serving another person's needs and wants, it is difficult...very difficult, for a good relationship NOT to evolve and grow.
Here they are for you to consider:
RED - Needs to look good technically, intellectually, academically
Needs to be right
Needs to be respected (treat them as if they are important...they are!)
Needs to attain the approval of a select few
Wants to hide insecurities
Wants to produce
Wants leadership position
Wants to experience challenging adventure
BLUE - Needs to be good morally
Needs to be understood
Needs to be appreciated
Needs to be accepted
Wants to reveal insecurities
Wants to be autonomous (self-governing)
Wants to attain quality
Wants to have security
WHITE - Needs to feel good (inside...peaceful and tranquil)
Needs to be allowed their own space (smart, reclusive thinkers)
Needs to be respected (treated like they are important...they are!)
Needs to be tolerated
Want to withhold insecurities
Wants to receive kindness
Wants to maintain independence
Wants to feel contented
YELLOW - Needs to look good (socially)
Needs to be noticed
Needs to be praised
Needs approval of the masses
Wants to hide insecurites
Wants to achieve happiness
Wants freedom
Wants playful adventure
What is the Core Color (Motive) of the person you need to improve a relationship with?
REDS are motivated by POWER, moving from A to B and being productive
BLUES are motivated by INTIMACY, a deep, personal connection of the heart
WHITES are motivated by PEACE, inner tranquility amidst the chaos and noise of life
YELLOWS are motivated by FUN, living life fully engaged in the moment...enjoying it now
Think about THEIR needs and wants...not your own...and consider deciding to SERVE their needs and wants in genuine and creative ways. Motive Matters is a process, not an event. Don't expect a quick fix band aid. Over time, and it's usually quicker than you think, you will see a change for the better in the relationship. The other person will probably be wondering "what got into you?"
The answer is really pretty simple: Love.
Thank you Lan, Jeremy, Lindsay, Matthew, and of course, Dr. Taylor Hartman, Author of The Color/People Code. You guys are awesome and we at Motive Matters love you and respect you for all you do to help us accomplish our mission.
The more we train the principles of The Color Code, the more we appreciate the author's genius of revealing the needs and wants of the four Colors.
Your individual needs and wants will usually come from your primary and secondary colors. The "needs and wants" portion of The People Code represents our "Roadmap" to serving others, speaking their "color" language, and creating, and sustaining, successful relationships. When you are consistently serving another person's needs and wants, it is difficult...very difficult, for a good relationship NOT to evolve and grow.
Here they are for you to consider:
RED - Needs to look good technically, intellectually, academically
Needs to be right
Needs to be respected (treat them as if they are important...they are!)
Needs to attain the approval of a select few
Wants to hide insecurities
Wants to produce
Wants leadership position
Wants to experience challenging adventure
BLUE - Needs to be good morally
Needs to be understood
Needs to be appreciated
Needs to be accepted
Wants to reveal insecurities
Wants to be autonomous (self-governing)
Wants to attain quality
Wants to have security
WHITE - Needs to feel good (inside...peaceful and tranquil)
Needs to be allowed their own space (smart, reclusive thinkers)
Needs to be respected (treated like they are important...they are!)
Needs to be tolerated
Want to withhold insecurities
Wants to receive kindness
Wants to maintain independence
Wants to feel contented
YELLOW - Needs to look good (socially)
Needs to be noticed
Needs to be praised
Needs approval of the masses
Wants to hide insecurites
Wants to achieve happiness
Wants freedom
Wants playful adventure
What is the Core Color (Motive) of the person you need to improve a relationship with?
REDS are motivated by POWER, moving from A to B and being productive
BLUES are motivated by INTIMACY, a deep, personal connection of the heart
WHITES are motivated by PEACE, inner tranquility amidst the chaos and noise of life
YELLOWS are motivated by FUN, living life fully engaged in the moment...enjoying it now
Think about THEIR needs and wants...not your own...and consider deciding to SERVE their needs and wants in genuine and creative ways. Motive Matters is a process, not an event. Don't expect a quick fix band aid. Over time, and it's usually quicker than you think, you will see a change for the better in the relationship. The other person will probably be wondering "what got into you?"
The answer is really pretty simple: Love.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
TRUST
When we understand each other, we are better equipped to trust each other.
In a recent Motive Matters Color Code Relationship Training a gem of wisdom was revealed by two of the participants, one a WHITE, the other a RED.
Before I get to that let's take a quick look at the word TRUST.
Trust: 1.) Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2.) Something committed into the care of another.
3.) One in which confidence is placed.
SYNONYMS trust, faith, confidence, reliance, dependence. These nouns denote a feeling of certainty that a person or thing will not fail. Trust implies depth and assurance of feeling that is often based on inconclusive evidence.
In the world of relationships, whether business or personal, trust is critical.
Definition #1 above is the most commonly understood meaning of trust. We usually think of trust as believing someone is telling us the truth, or is acting with honesty and integrity. True. But as the famous infomercial says, "But wait! There's more!"
We must learn to trust in other's abilities: A person's ability to do something. A natural or acquired skill or competency.
Motive Matters and The Color Code, helps you discover not only an accurate sense of self-awareness, so that you become "aware" of your own natural gifts and strengths, but also teaches you about the gifts and strengths of others on your team. We are members of many "teams" during the course of a lifetime. In business, we work with management teams, production teams, supervisory teams, human resource teams, executive teams, etc. You may be a part of various teams in your church, for instance...The Worship Team, The Deacons, The Elders, Welcome Team, Parking Lot Team, Softball Team. You get the idea.
Perhaps the most important "team" you will ever participate in, is, your Family Team. A husband and a wife comprise a team. In fact, when it comes to self development, and continuous self improvement, your marriage is, without a doubt, the most important and powerful tool you will experience in life. No other relationship offers the myriad of opportunities to learn to serve another human being, while growing and maturing yourself.
Your children are star performers on your Family Team. Do you trust in their integrity...AND...in their abilities?
Each individual member of any team brings certain gifts and strengths that flow from the Driving Core Motive of their personality. Our passion at Motive Matters is to help people learn to trust each other better.
Now...back to that corporate training experience. I was training the limitation of WHITE we call "indecisive". One WHITE in the room commented how he had taken three weeks gathering information so he could buy a new washing machine for his wife. THREE WEEKS! And, still NO WASHING MACHINE! We all got a good laugh.
Just then, another WHITE spoke up. "I can't make a decision until I feel 100% confident it is the correct decision." He happened to be a brilliant engineer who performs critical design work within a manufacturing process.
Then the gem of brilliance manifested. A RED responded, "You know, sometimes I get so frustrated by what I perceive as the slow pace of you WHITES!" "But, now...I can see where you WHITES are really protecting all the rest of us. By taking a little extra time, and processing all the information logically, you are making sure the solution will work effectively for the entire team!" "Cool!"
Kudos to those who participated in teaching all of us this great truth.
None of us is smarter than all of us. And, no one of us is better than all of us. It takes all Colors, working together, trusting each other, depending upon each other, to get the job done right!
And, as Dr. W. Edwards Deming said, "To know how you depend on others, and how they depend on you,...to take pride in a job well done, and to have had the opportunity to do it...THAT is "joy" in work.
In a recent Motive Matters Color Code Relationship Training a gem of wisdom was revealed by two of the participants, one a WHITE, the other a RED.
Before I get to that let's take a quick look at the word TRUST.
Trust: 1.) Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2.) Something committed into the care of another.
3.) One in which confidence is placed.
SYNONYMS trust, faith, confidence, reliance, dependence. These nouns denote a feeling of certainty that a person or thing will not fail. Trust implies depth and assurance of feeling that is often based on inconclusive evidence.
In the world of relationships, whether business or personal, trust is critical.
Definition #1 above is the most commonly understood meaning of trust. We usually think of trust as believing someone is telling us the truth, or is acting with honesty and integrity. True. But as the famous infomercial says, "But wait! There's more!"
We must learn to trust in other's abilities: A person's ability to do something. A natural or acquired skill or competency.
Motive Matters and The Color Code, helps you discover not only an accurate sense of self-awareness, so that you become "aware" of your own natural gifts and strengths, but also teaches you about the gifts and strengths of others on your team. We are members of many "teams" during the course of a lifetime. In business, we work with management teams, production teams, supervisory teams, human resource teams, executive teams, etc. You may be a part of various teams in your church, for instance...The Worship Team, The Deacons, The Elders, Welcome Team, Parking Lot Team, Softball Team. You get the idea.
Perhaps the most important "team" you will ever participate in, is, your Family Team. A husband and a wife comprise a team. In fact, when it comes to self development, and continuous self improvement, your marriage is, without a doubt, the most important and powerful tool you will experience in life. No other relationship offers the myriad of opportunities to learn to serve another human being, while growing and maturing yourself.
Your children are star performers on your Family Team. Do you trust in their integrity...AND...in their abilities?
Each individual member of any team brings certain gifts and strengths that flow from the Driving Core Motive of their personality. Our passion at Motive Matters is to help people learn to trust each other better.
Now...back to that corporate training experience. I was training the limitation of WHITE we call "indecisive". One WHITE in the room commented how he had taken three weeks gathering information so he could buy a new washing machine for his wife. THREE WEEKS! And, still NO WASHING MACHINE! We all got a good laugh.
Just then, another WHITE spoke up. "I can't make a decision until I feel 100% confident it is the correct decision." He happened to be a brilliant engineer who performs critical design work within a manufacturing process.
Then the gem of brilliance manifested. A RED responded, "You know, sometimes I get so frustrated by what I perceive as the slow pace of you WHITES!" "But, now...I can see where you WHITES are really protecting all the rest of us. By taking a little extra time, and processing all the information logically, you are making sure the solution will work effectively for the entire team!" "Cool!"
Kudos to those who participated in teaching all of us this great truth.
None of us is smarter than all of us. And, no one of us is better than all of us. It takes all Colors, working together, trusting each other, depending upon each other, to get the job done right!
And, as Dr. W. Edwards Deming said, "To know how you depend on others, and how they depend on you,...to take pride in a job well done, and to have had the opportunity to do it...THAT is "joy" in work.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
SEVEN MOST IMPORTANT WORDS - Part 3 "I love you"
“I love you.”
Are you comfortable saying these words?
“I love fast cars!” “I love the St. Louis Cardinals!” “I love to play golf!” “I love my dog!” As long as we have a good feeling about something, we can say we love it! We usually don’t associate “love” with anything but gooooood, positive “feelings”.
Most of us have some issues when it comes to these three words. It just seems to be the way we are conditioned as a result of experience and society. In fact those three words can drive some of us nuts. If you ever want to see someone look like a deer in the head lights, just for effect, spring those words on them unexpectedly.
When Tammy and I were dating, 36 years ago, we had issues with those words. As a YELLOW, I was most reluctant to say those words, no matter how much I knew my BLUE girlfriend wanted to hear them. (Sounds too much like “commitment, responsibility,…MARRIAGE!!!) As we continued to court each other, I somehow managed to get enough courage to say…”I love you, for today”. This was long before we knew anything about how much MOTIVE MATTERS and Color Code. About a year later, we went through a high school break-up. Tammy seemed to be showing way to much interest in another guy, so I began to try to win her back. When faced with the prospect of losing her to the competition, it was amazing how bold I became in saying “Hey!...I Love YOU!!” She would smugly look out the window of my ’66 Shelby Mustang without comment.
“Do YOU love ME??!!??!!??”, I would implore.
After what seemed like an eternity, she would say, “I guess I love you…for today”.
PAYBACK! Oh, I hated that. Believe it or not, YELLOW wanted “commitment” from his BLUE!!! (As I reflect back, I think she was using excellent color code skills by nature. She was doing the very thing that pushed me to get real with my true feelings, and develop commitment in my “yellow” self.
Are you fearful of saying I Love You? Do you know what you are saying when you say it?
All the rules change in a relationship when you say those three words, I love you. Why?
Because love goes to the heart of the matter. It clarifies your ultimate motive upon which the relationship is built. Beyond our innate personalities which are driven by our gift of core motive, whether POWER, INTIMACY, PEACE, or FUN, all of us are driven by fear or love. The expression of love being the motive brings confidence that the agenda is to do good and not harm. But love is a powerful motive. As Randy Gariss said, “Love can do much harm or much good because it goes to the deepest parts of the soul and the emotions.”
What most people don’t realize is, love is not just a noun…a feeling… love is a verb. 99% of the time when we say “I love you”, we are admitting to ourselves, or the other person, that there is a “feeling”, an emotion, of fondness, goodwill, or connection. However, the highest form of love, agape, is something you “do”, not something you “feel”. This love is described and can be heard at almost every wedding ceremony. You know…”Love is patient. Love is kind”…
In his wonderful book “Servant Leadership”, author James C. Hunter paraphrases the ingredients of the highest love found in I Cor. 13 this way:
“Love is how you choose to treat a person. How you choose to act and react toward them”.
It is choosing to treat them PATIENTLY - showing self-control under stress.
KINDLY – giving attention, appreciation, and encouragement (being present...a good listener)
with HUMILITY – being authentic, without arrogance or pretense (not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less)
RESPECTFULLY – treating others as important people
SELFLESSLY – meeting the needs of others
FORGIVING – giving up resentment when wronged
HONESTLY – being consistent with truth, giving people feedback, good and bad, being predictable and fair.
WITH COMMITMENT – sticking with your choices, extending and stretching ourselves for others.
The next time you say “I love you”, consider that you are choosing to treat that person in these ways.
We have a choice about whether we will behave lovingly toward others. Most of the time we will have to sacrifice…put down…take authority over…our egos, our moods, or our own self-interest.
Loving someone, and learning to love people, all kinds of people, is a wonderful thing. Love is the most powerful motivating force in the universe.
The next time you think about saying “I love you”…think about what you are saying…and go ahead…make their day, and yours…just say it…and mean it…”I LOVE YOU!”
And, by the way…I love you!
Are you comfortable saying these words?
“I love fast cars!” “I love the St. Louis Cardinals!” “I love to play golf!” “I love my dog!” As long as we have a good feeling about something, we can say we love it! We usually don’t associate “love” with anything but gooooood, positive “feelings”.
Most of us have some issues when it comes to these three words. It just seems to be the way we are conditioned as a result of experience and society. In fact those three words can drive some of us nuts. If you ever want to see someone look like a deer in the head lights, just for effect, spring those words on them unexpectedly.
When Tammy and I were dating, 36 years ago, we had issues with those words. As a YELLOW, I was most reluctant to say those words, no matter how much I knew my BLUE girlfriend wanted to hear them. (Sounds too much like “commitment, responsibility,…MARRIAGE!!!) As we continued to court each other, I somehow managed to get enough courage to say…”I love you, for today”. This was long before we knew anything about how much MOTIVE MATTERS and Color Code. About a year later, we went through a high school break-up. Tammy seemed to be showing way to much interest in another guy, so I began to try to win her back. When faced with the prospect of losing her to the competition, it was amazing how bold I became in saying “Hey!...I Love YOU!!” She would smugly look out the window of my ’66 Shelby Mustang without comment.
“Do YOU love ME??!!??!!??”, I would implore.
After what seemed like an eternity, she would say, “I guess I love you…for today”.
PAYBACK! Oh, I hated that. Believe it or not, YELLOW wanted “commitment” from his BLUE!!! (As I reflect back, I think she was using excellent color code skills by nature. She was doing the very thing that pushed me to get real with my true feelings, and develop commitment in my “yellow” self.
Are you fearful of saying I Love You? Do you know what you are saying when you say it?
All the rules change in a relationship when you say those three words, I love you. Why?
Because love goes to the heart of the matter. It clarifies your ultimate motive upon which the relationship is built. Beyond our innate personalities which are driven by our gift of core motive, whether POWER, INTIMACY, PEACE, or FUN, all of us are driven by fear or love. The expression of love being the motive brings confidence that the agenda is to do good and not harm. But love is a powerful motive. As Randy Gariss said, “Love can do much harm or much good because it goes to the deepest parts of the soul and the emotions.”
What most people don’t realize is, love is not just a noun…a feeling… love is a verb. 99% of the time when we say “I love you”, we are admitting to ourselves, or the other person, that there is a “feeling”, an emotion, of fondness, goodwill, or connection. However, the highest form of love, agape, is something you “do”, not something you “feel”. This love is described and can be heard at almost every wedding ceremony. You know…”Love is patient. Love is kind”…
In his wonderful book “Servant Leadership”, author James C. Hunter paraphrases the ingredients of the highest love found in I Cor. 13 this way:
“Love is how you choose to treat a person. How you choose to act and react toward them”.
It is choosing to treat them PATIENTLY - showing self-control under stress.
KINDLY – giving attention, appreciation, and encouragement (being present...a good listener)
with HUMILITY – being authentic, without arrogance or pretense (not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less)
RESPECTFULLY – treating others as important people
SELFLESSLY – meeting the needs of others
FORGIVING – giving up resentment when wronged
HONESTLY – being consistent with truth, giving people feedback, good and bad, being predictable and fair.
WITH COMMITMENT – sticking with your choices, extending and stretching ourselves for others.
The next time you say “I love you”, consider that you are choosing to treat that person in these ways.
We have a choice about whether we will behave lovingly toward others. Most of the time we will have to sacrifice…put down…take authority over…our egos, our moods, or our own self-interest.
Loving someone, and learning to love people, all kinds of people, is a wonderful thing. Love is the most powerful motivating force in the universe.
The next time you think about saying “I love you”…think about what you are saying…and go ahead…make their day, and yours…just say it…and mean it…”I LOVE YOU!”
And, by the way…I love you!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Seven Most Important Words: Continued
"Thank you".
Powerfully, wonderful words, when spoken with genuine gratitude and humility.
This simple phrase has magic in it, making the recipient feel respected, appreciated, dignified, valued, trusted, noticed, praised, and recognized.
Can you see how this simple phrase meets the needs and wants of all four personality colors?
"Thank you"...it reinforces bonds of relationship. One of the nicest things that Tammy and I experience is when someone takes the time and effort to send us a note containing these words. I have noticed something that happens, inside, when I read or hear "thank you". I feel encouraged. Thank you has the ability to create the atmosphere wherein the self-esteem of both the giver and the receiver may grow.
Saying "thank you" to my children causes them to respect themselves a little better. And, whether or not they would admit it, kids like to be thanked by us adults. I think it makes them feel valued in a special way.
I am married to a BLUE, and knowing she has a need to be appreciated, I began learning how to thank her for some of the thousands of things she does for me and others each and every day. Yes, you've heard us tell people in our Motive Matters training, "He thanks me for all kinds of things, even things like a clean house, clean towels, even clean underwear"! It is true. As a YELLOW I just assumed those things just "appeared".
In the world of business, the great ones know the importance of "Thank you". These two little words are rule number one in the book on customer retention.
Rick Warren goes so far as to propose that having an "attitude of gratitude" is one of the fundamental purposes of life.
Being a thankful person releases stress and promotes peace. "Thank you" can be the most disarming of all possible responses to criticism.
I had a man come up to me at a seminar I was giving and say, "I dropped in on one of your speeches for a few minutes a while back, and I have to tell you, I thought it was nonsense, and I got up and walked out!" I said, "I'm sorry, but thank you for honestly sharing your feelings with me because I am always happy to hear of ways I can improve on my trainings." With that he said, "Well, let me finish! I told you I walked out. I only listened that evening for a few minutes. My wife made me come to this tonight so I had to sit through the whole thing. And what I wanted to tell you is..."I'm sorry....because I really enjoyed the night and I got a lot out of it! I just felt I owed you and apology."
What a turnaround!
"Thank you" always brings out a smile.
Smiles are good.
Actually...they are wonderful!
Go ahead...practice alone if you need to...then try it on someone.
Just say it...
"Thank you!"
Powerfully, wonderful words, when spoken with genuine gratitude and humility.
This simple phrase has magic in it, making the recipient feel respected, appreciated, dignified, valued, trusted, noticed, praised, and recognized.
Can you see how this simple phrase meets the needs and wants of all four personality colors?
"Thank you"...it reinforces bonds of relationship. One of the nicest things that Tammy and I experience is when someone takes the time and effort to send us a note containing these words. I have noticed something that happens, inside, when I read or hear "thank you". I feel encouraged. Thank you has the ability to create the atmosphere wherein the self-esteem of both the giver and the receiver may grow.
Saying "thank you" to my children causes them to respect themselves a little better. And, whether or not they would admit it, kids like to be thanked by us adults. I think it makes them feel valued in a special way.
I am married to a BLUE, and knowing she has a need to be appreciated, I began learning how to thank her for some of the thousands of things she does for me and others each and every day. Yes, you've heard us tell people in our Motive Matters training, "He thanks me for all kinds of things, even things like a clean house, clean towels, even clean underwear"! It is true. As a YELLOW I just assumed those things just "appeared".
In the world of business, the great ones know the importance of "Thank you". These two little words are rule number one in the book on customer retention.
Rick Warren goes so far as to propose that having an "attitude of gratitude" is one of the fundamental purposes of life.
Being a thankful person releases stress and promotes peace. "Thank you" can be the most disarming of all possible responses to criticism.
I had a man come up to me at a seminar I was giving and say, "I dropped in on one of your speeches for a few minutes a while back, and I have to tell you, I thought it was nonsense, and I got up and walked out!" I said, "I'm sorry, but thank you for honestly sharing your feelings with me because I am always happy to hear of ways I can improve on my trainings." With that he said, "Well, let me finish! I told you I walked out. I only listened that evening for a few minutes. My wife made me come to this tonight so I had to sit through the whole thing. And what I wanted to tell you is..."I'm sorry....because I really enjoyed the night and I got a lot out of it! I just felt I owed you and apology."
What a turnaround!
"Thank you" always brings out a smile.
Smiles are good.
Actually...they are wonderful!
Go ahead...practice alone if you need to...then try it on someone.
Just say it...
"Thank you!"
Sunday, March 29, 2009
The SEVEN MOST IMPORTANT WORDS...
Here are the first two of the seven most important words you will ever speak in creating successful relationships. Part One - Van Benson, Motive Matters.com
"I'm sorry".
Perception is the mother of conflict. Many conflicts in relationships of all kinds stem from misunderstanding and lack of humility. Sometimes, even when we are perfectly right, we say things in a manner that causes people to become defensive or offended. It might be a tactless comment from a RED, or a self-righteous opinion of a BLUE, or sarcasm from a yellow, or the appearance of seeming ambivalent or uncaring from a WHITE. Sometimes the way the say something carries far more weight in relationships than what we actually said.
The very word relationship means people are involved. And, wherever people are, there will be found...egos, insecurities, and feelings. I'm not saying compromise your core values or principles. I am saying it is imperative to understand the core motive of others and how that core motive "colors" how others perceive what we say at times. Charactered people take 100% responsibility for not only WHAT they say, but also HOW it is...or was...said.
Being able to take the other person's perspective, and understand how WHAT we said made them FEEL, is critical in maintaining mutually respectful relationships.
Humble people are much more likely to be able to say, "I'm sorry". Humble people are the ones who are able to embrace both their strengths and their limitations with compassion. This allows them the gift of knowing, "I am not perfect".
Dr. Taylor hartman writes in his new book, Playing Life to Win, "Humble people value themselves enough to admit their faults and their insecurities".
Humility allows you the personal power to say, "I'm sorry", and mean it.
And, while we are here, may I make a strong recommendation that will CHANGE YOUR LIFE...IF...you are brave enough...and secure enough, to do it?
GET RID OF THE "BUTS".
The word "BUT" is a synonym for "I didn't really mean I'm sorry". "I wish to continue the hostility between us with further justification for MY position".
At a recent relationship retreat for couples, I had all the participants write the letters B U T on a note card. Everyone formed a line, and each person, one at a time, would step forward, look me in the eye, and say, "I'm sorry", and then toss the "B U T card" away, like the rubbish of defensiveness and insecurity it represents. It was a rather simplistic excercise, but I know from my own experience, that when Tammy and I are discussing an area of conflict, which we still do by the way, we cannot say "but" without thinking of our friends and those silly "B-U-T Cards".
Dr. Hartman's books, "The People Code", "Color Your Future", and "Playing Life to Win", all remind us that the first gift we need for the journey of life is humility. Humble people are powerful people. Powerful people learn to say..."I'm sorry".
"I'm sorry".
Perception is the mother of conflict. Many conflicts in relationships of all kinds stem from misunderstanding and lack of humility. Sometimes, even when we are perfectly right, we say things in a manner that causes people to become defensive or offended. It might be a tactless comment from a RED, or a self-righteous opinion of a BLUE, or sarcasm from a yellow, or the appearance of seeming ambivalent or uncaring from a WHITE. Sometimes the way the say something carries far more weight in relationships than what we actually said.
The very word relationship means people are involved. And, wherever people are, there will be found...egos, insecurities, and feelings. I'm not saying compromise your core values or principles. I am saying it is imperative to understand the core motive of others and how that core motive "colors" how others perceive what we say at times. Charactered people take 100% responsibility for not only WHAT they say, but also HOW it is...or was...said.
Being able to take the other person's perspective, and understand how WHAT we said made them FEEL, is critical in maintaining mutually respectful relationships.
Humble people are much more likely to be able to say, "I'm sorry". Humble people are the ones who are able to embrace both their strengths and their limitations with compassion. This allows them the gift of knowing, "I am not perfect".
Dr. Taylor hartman writes in his new book, Playing Life to Win, "Humble people value themselves enough to admit their faults and their insecurities".
Humility allows you the personal power to say, "I'm sorry", and mean it.
And, while we are here, may I make a strong recommendation that will CHANGE YOUR LIFE...IF...you are brave enough...and secure enough, to do it?
GET RID OF THE "BUTS".
The word "BUT" is a synonym for "I didn't really mean I'm sorry". "I wish to continue the hostility between us with further justification for MY position".
At a recent relationship retreat for couples, I had all the participants write the letters B U T on a note card. Everyone formed a line, and each person, one at a time, would step forward, look me in the eye, and say, "I'm sorry", and then toss the "B U T card" away, like the rubbish of defensiveness and insecurity it represents. It was a rather simplistic excercise, but I know from my own experience, that when Tammy and I are discussing an area of conflict, which we still do by the way, we cannot say "but" without thinking of our friends and those silly "B-U-T Cards".
Dr. Hartman's books, "The People Code", "Color Your Future", and "Playing Life to Win", all remind us that the first gift we need for the journey of life is humility. Humble people are powerful people. Powerful people learn to say..."I'm sorry".
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The Test of Nobility
The true test of nobility is to choose to become better than you used to be.
The greatest joy of leadership, and the essense that lies at it's core meaning, is helping other people become better than they used to be.
The greatest joy of leadership, and the essense that lies at it's core meaning, is helping other people become better than they used to be.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Motive Matters - What life is really about.
Hi Van and Tammy,
How fortunate we are to have attended your class! (Color Code) It has produced amazing results. I think the reason that Motive Matters succeeds so well is twofold: In a very non-threatening way, it makes people examine themselves and their own motives first. Introspection must always be the first step to improving our relationships.
Secondly, it gives people a common “language” to help improve communication. “I’ll quit being so Blue if you will put some of that Red away” is a friendly way to say “We’re not connecting. Let’s try again”. It seems to instantly disarm both parties and turn an unproductive situation into a productive one.
I can’t say enough about how good Motive Matters really is. It is amazingly successful at helping good people become better in their relationships. Isn’t that what life is really all about?
Many Thanks,
How fortunate we are to have attended your class! (Color Code) It has produced amazing results. I think the reason that Motive Matters succeeds so well is twofold: In a very non-threatening way, it makes people examine themselves and their own motives first. Introspection must always be the first step to improving our relationships.
Secondly, it gives people a common “language” to help improve communication. “I’ll quit being so Blue if you will put some of that Red away” is a friendly way to say “We’re not connecting. Let’s try again”. It seems to instantly disarm both parties and turn an unproductive situation into a productive one.
I can’t say enough about how good Motive Matters really is. It is amazingly successful at helping good people become better in their relationships. Isn’t that what life is really all about?
Many Thanks,
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
