Some REALLY good news from Motive Matters.com

Just about one year ago, my BLUE wife, Tammy, and I were discussing how we could afford to keep taking the relationship tool of The Color Code to hurting people who were struggling in their marriages. We had been through that struggle a few years ago, after 25 years together, and we considering calling it quits. We believe it was the grace of God that brought this tool that helped us understand ourselves and each other better. Having a basic love and respect for God, and knowing that He made us different, helped us to begin to love and respect those differences instead of having them drive us crazy.
We had sold our business 2 years ago with the a foggy understanding that there was something else for us to do. A change was on the way. We knew it, but we didn't know what is would look like. A friend called us one day, asking to help them in their troubled marriage. "What did you guys do?", was her question. When we hung up the phone, we looked at each other and said, "whew...if we are going to teach others what we did, we should get some more formal training in Color Code. Over the course of the next several months, we enrolled in a course taught by Dr. Taylor Hartman, author of The Color Code. We studied. Boy, did we study. We put almost everything else in our lives on hold. All our children knew Mom and Dad were on a project. They supported us, they understood, and helped us in ways that we deeply appreciate.
After completing our training and testing, we began to train others in free and open meetings. Our first was with a group of close friends from our home Bible Study group. These friends know who they are. They showed up faithfully each week for two hours over the course of an entire month. A special thank you to these friends. You taught us so much about training, and we will always be grateful.
We were living off our savings and learning a lot about serving and loving each other...and others. The reality was we were beginning to realize that a savings account is a finite thing. I was sorely tempted to go back to my car business to make ends meet.
Then we would get a phone call, or an email, about how this couple or that had been helped. One couple told us of how they had their court date set before they walked into the first session we were having at the Southwest Missouri Bank Community Center. We couldn't help but notice how cold, and locked up they acted toward each other that first night. During the second session, we noticed them occasionally laugh at each other. Then during the third session, they opened up and told the class about how their relationship was being helped, and how they understood each other for the first time in their marriage. After the final session, we watched as they walked hand in hand to their car. This was when we realized that we were training a tool that not only made a difference for us, but that was making a positive difference for others too! We knew we had to find a way to stay with it.
Tammy made a phone call to The Miami Nation of Oklahoma in December of 07. She talked to a wonderful BLUE named Tammy Lowery, a grant writer employed by the tribe. Tammy told her our story and Mrs. Lowery was inspired.
She called us about a month later and said, "I found a grant!!!"
Over the course of the next several months, the two Tammy's and others at the tribe worked tirelessly writing the application document for The Association of Native Americans who would fund selected projects under The President's Healthy Marriage Initiative.
The deadline date for project submission had come. March 29th, 3:30 P.M. At 2:30, the files began to be sent to Washington D.C. Then, at 3:00 those files began to return to Miami OK. They were NOT COMPATIBLE... having been sent on a "Vista" operating computer. Tami Lowery assembled a staff of 10 dedicated souls who scrambled to their feet and began to convert the files and re-send them. Miraculously, they arrived in D.C., but they were eight minutes late. Mrs. Lowery was devastated. She had gone without sleep for two days. She knew that government deadlines are government deadlines. She was sure the project arrived DOA.
To the best of our ability we encouraged her to trust God. We thanked her for her selflessness, and self sacrifice, her hard work and dedication. We placed the project in God's hands, as best we knew how.
Late in July Tami called and said she had received a phone call asking for some budgetary changes to be made in the grant proposal. We were perplexed, and cautiously hopeful that maybe Marriage Matters wasn't DOA. She received another email communication in August requesting further changes. And then a phone call in September requesting some more information.

Funding date was October 1, 2008. Tammy and I were in Brownsville TX with our daughter, son, and our grandsons, preparing for a Color Code Relationship Workshop at their church. It was Thursday morning about 9:30 AM, October 2. My Tammy said, "well, no news," "I'm guessing that means we didn't get it. Tami (Lowery) is probably miserable, not knowing how to tell us the news." I said, "I am going to send her an email and try to set her heart as ease."

Just then Tammy's cell phone rang. Tammy stared, frozen, looking at her phone....all she could say is, "It's Tami!" "Well, answer it!, I said.

"Is Van with you?"

"Get him on the phone."

"We GOT IT!!!"

Well, the celebration was on!

The bottom line is this. The Department of Health and Human services is investing $250,000 per year within a 50 mile radius of Miami OK to promote healthy marriages and responsible fatherhood. A large portion will be used to advertise healthy marriage through radio, tv, billboard and other means of advertising. Part of the grant is to fund 24 - eight hour Color Code Relationship Training Workshops per year, for the next three years. Motive Matters is partnering with The Miami Tribe of Oklahoma to help keep marriages and families together by training the principles of Motive and The Color Code.

We feel privileged and humbled to participate in this journey of helping people. Please pray that we will do an excellent job, and people will be helped along their journey.

Thank you, to all of you who have helped and supported this work. Blessings to you!

Resolving conflict by understanding needs and wants

Remember, the number ONE enemy of successful relationships is selfishness.
Is my life about getting or giving. (Getting my own emotional needs and wants met, or serving the needs and wants of others in my life)

Here is a real life example of a "Motive Moment" in our lives. I believe it is an example of relationship brilliance on the part of my wife, Tammy.

Here is the scenario:

Tammy's brother, Darren, works in Force Protection at The Pentagon in Washington D.C. We get to see him about twice a year. He and his family were at Tammy's other brother, Russ's house in Mount Vernon, MO. We were going to his house for a fare-well get together before Darren flew back to D.C. the following day.

Our 17 year old daughter, Stef is a WHITE. We had told her she could drive herself to Mt. Vernon after volleyball practice at 6:00 oclock.

Well....as sometimes happens in the life of a YELLOW, I was running late, and instead of Tammy and me leaving for Mt. Vernon at 4:00 oclock, we found ourselves leaving in the middle of a thunderstorm at 5:30. Tammy said, "I hate for Stef to have to drive on the interstate highway in this weather." I said, "with gas prices so high, it is ridiculous for us to take 2 cars when we are leaving 30 minutes apart." We decided to see if we could get Stef excused a little early from practice and have her ride with us.

Any of you who have teenage kids will appreciate how well that plan went over. As a white, she was looking forward to being by herself and independently driving to Mt. Vernon. I informed her that we needed her to get her stuff and drive home so we could leave ASAP.

She replied, sternly, "Well, I'm gonna tell you right now that I AM going to take a shower before we leave. I am sweaty and a mess! I am going to shower at home before we go!"

"See you at home", was my response.

Tammy obviously did not want to wait for Stef to shower. She said "how are we going to convince her to shower when we get to Russ's house. I want to go see my brother!"

Being YELLOW WITH secondary RED, and being a bit stressed by the whole thing, I replied in my determined, authoritative, husband, father, head of the house way...."Just TELL HER DAD SAID!"

Stef pulled up and got out of her car and started into the house. I watched as Tammy met her in the driveway and exchanged a few words with her. About 2 minutes later, Stef hurried to the car with a bag of clothes and off we went to Mt. Vernon. I expected my daughter to be angry and bitter. But NO! She was actually pleasant and conversed with us as we drove.

Only later, did I ask Tammy, "what did you say to her?"

"I said, Stef, if you would take a shower when we get to Russ's house, I could spend 30 minutes more with my little brother who is leaving for Washington D.C. in the morning."

Stef had thought about it for a couple of seconds and simply relied, "OK."

Tammy spoke the language of white to Stefany. LOGIC.

As a family,...the three of us...we had a great night together. If we had taken MY old approach, it would most likely turned out quite different.

I am so proud of Tammy's Color Code brilliance. She served Stef's needs and wants by being calm, soft spoken with some firmness, but very logical. She didn't try to force her way on Stef. She allowed Stef to be who she is and make a good decision logically, without mean harsh words having to be spoken.

This was a great lesson in the power of knowing what makes us tick, and using that knowledge and understanding to speak the language of the other person, thereby CREATING successful relationship.