Some REALLY good news from Motive Matters.com

Just about one year ago, my BLUE wife, Tammy, and I were discussing how we could afford to keep taking the relationship tool of The Color Code to hurting people who were struggling in their marriages. We had been through that struggle a few years ago, after 25 years together, and we considering calling it quits. We believe it was the grace of God that brought this tool that helped us understand ourselves and each other better. Having a basic love and respect for God, and knowing that He made us different, helped us to begin to love and respect those differences instead of having them drive us crazy.
We had sold our business 2 years ago with the a foggy understanding that there was something else for us to do. A change was on the way. We knew it, but we didn't know what is would look like. A friend called us one day, asking to help them in their troubled marriage. "What did you guys do?", was her question. When we hung up the phone, we looked at each other and said, "whew...if we are going to teach others what we did, we should get some more formal training in Color Code. Over the course of the next several months, we enrolled in a course taught by Dr. Taylor Hartman, author of The Color Code. We studied. Boy, did we study. We put almost everything else in our lives on hold. All our children knew Mom and Dad were on a project. They supported us, they understood, and helped us in ways that we deeply appreciate.
After completing our training and testing, we began to train others in free and open meetings. Our first was with a group of close friends from our home Bible Study group. These friends know who they are. They showed up faithfully each week for two hours over the course of an entire month. A special thank you to these friends. You taught us so much about training, and we will always be grateful.
We were living off our savings and learning a lot about serving and loving each other...and others. The reality was we were beginning to realize that a savings account is a finite thing. I was sorely tempted to go back to my car business to make ends meet.
Then we would get a phone call, or an email, about how this couple or that had been helped. One couple told us of how they had their court date set before they walked into the first session we were having at the Southwest Missouri Bank Community Center. We couldn't help but notice how cold, and locked up they acted toward each other that first night. During the second session, we noticed them occasionally laugh at each other. Then during the third session, they opened up and told the class about how their relationship was being helped, and how they understood each other for the first time in their marriage. After the final session, we watched as they walked hand in hand to their car. This was when we realized that we were training a tool that not only made a difference for us, but that was making a positive difference for others too! We knew we had to find a way to stay with it.
Tammy made a phone call to The Miami Nation of Oklahoma in December of 07. She talked to a wonderful BLUE named Tammy Lowery, a grant writer employed by the tribe. Tammy told her our story and Mrs. Lowery was inspired.
She called us about a month later and said, "I found a grant!!!"
Over the course of the next several months, the two Tammy's and others at the tribe worked tirelessly writing the application document for The Association of Native Americans who would fund selected projects under The President's Healthy Marriage Initiative.
The deadline date for project submission had come. March 29th, 3:30 P.M. At 2:30, the files began to be sent to Washington D.C. Then, at 3:00 those files began to return to Miami OK. They were NOT COMPATIBLE... having been sent on a "Vista" operating computer. Tami Lowery assembled a staff of 10 dedicated souls who scrambled to their feet and began to convert the files and re-send them. Miraculously, they arrived in D.C., but they were eight minutes late. Mrs. Lowery was devastated. She had gone without sleep for two days. She knew that government deadlines are government deadlines. She was sure the project arrived DOA.
To the best of our ability we encouraged her to trust God. We thanked her for her selflessness, and self sacrifice, her hard work and dedication. We placed the project in God's hands, as best we knew how.
Late in July Tami called and said she had received a phone call asking for some budgetary changes to be made in the grant proposal. We were perplexed, and cautiously hopeful that maybe Marriage Matters wasn't DOA. She received another email communication in August requesting further changes. And then a phone call in September requesting some more information.

Funding date was October 1, 2008. Tammy and I were in Brownsville TX with our daughter, son, and our grandsons, preparing for a Color Code Relationship Workshop at their church. It was Thursday morning about 9:30 AM, October 2. My Tammy said, "well, no news," "I'm guessing that means we didn't get it. Tami (Lowery) is probably miserable, not knowing how to tell us the news." I said, "I am going to send her an email and try to set her heart as ease."

Just then Tammy's cell phone rang. Tammy stared, frozen, looking at her phone....all she could say is, "It's Tami!" "Well, answer it!, I said.

"Is Van with you?"

"Get him on the phone."

"We GOT IT!!!"

Well, the celebration was on!

The bottom line is this. The Department of Health and Human services is investing $250,000 per year within a 50 mile radius of Miami OK to promote healthy marriages and responsible fatherhood. A large portion will be used to advertise healthy marriage through radio, tv, billboard and other means of advertising. Part of the grant is to fund 24 - eight hour Color Code Relationship Training Workshops per year, for the next three years. Motive Matters is partnering with The Miami Tribe of Oklahoma to help keep marriages and families together by training the principles of Motive and The Color Code.

We feel privileged and humbled to participate in this journey of helping people. Please pray that we will do an excellent job, and people will be helped along their journey.

Thank you, to all of you who have helped and supported this work. Blessings to you!

Resolving conflict by understanding needs and wants

Remember, the number ONE enemy of successful relationships is selfishness.
Is my life about getting or giving. (Getting my own emotional needs and wants met, or serving the needs and wants of others in my life)

Here is a real life example of a "Motive Moment" in our lives. I believe it is an example of relationship brilliance on the part of my wife, Tammy.

Here is the scenario:

Tammy's brother, Darren, works in Force Protection at The Pentagon in Washington D.C. We get to see him about twice a year. He and his family were at Tammy's other brother, Russ's house in Mount Vernon, MO. We were going to his house for a fare-well get together before Darren flew back to D.C. the following day.

Our 17 year old daughter, Stef is a WHITE. We had told her she could drive herself to Mt. Vernon after volleyball practice at 6:00 oclock.

Well....as sometimes happens in the life of a YELLOW, I was running late, and instead of Tammy and me leaving for Mt. Vernon at 4:00 oclock, we found ourselves leaving in the middle of a thunderstorm at 5:30. Tammy said, "I hate for Stef to have to drive on the interstate highway in this weather." I said, "with gas prices so high, it is ridiculous for us to take 2 cars when we are leaving 30 minutes apart." We decided to see if we could get Stef excused a little early from practice and have her ride with us.

Any of you who have teenage kids will appreciate how well that plan went over. As a white, she was looking forward to being by herself and independently driving to Mt. Vernon. I informed her that we needed her to get her stuff and drive home so we could leave ASAP.

She replied, sternly, "Well, I'm gonna tell you right now that I AM going to take a shower before we leave. I am sweaty and a mess! I am going to shower at home before we go!"

"See you at home", was my response.

Tammy obviously did not want to wait for Stef to shower. She said "how are we going to convince her to shower when we get to Russ's house. I want to go see my brother!"

Being YELLOW WITH secondary RED, and being a bit stressed by the whole thing, I replied in my determined, authoritative, husband, father, head of the house way...."Just TELL HER DAD SAID!"

Stef pulled up and got out of her car and started into the house. I watched as Tammy met her in the driveway and exchanged a few words with her. About 2 minutes later, Stef hurried to the car with a bag of clothes and off we went to Mt. Vernon. I expected my daughter to be angry and bitter. But NO! She was actually pleasant and conversed with us as we drove.

Only later, did I ask Tammy, "what did you say to her?"

"I said, Stef, if you would take a shower when we get to Russ's house, I could spend 30 minutes more with my little brother who is leaving for Washington D.C. in the morning."

Stef had thought about it for a couple of seconds and simply relied, "OK."

Tammy spoke the language of white to Stefany. LOGIC.

As a family,...the three of us...we had a great night together. If we had taken MY old approach, it would most likely turned out quite different.

I am so proud of Tammy's Color Code brilliance. She served Stef's needs and wants by being calm, soft spoken with some firmness, but very logical. She didn't try to force her way on Stef. She allowed Stef to be who she is and make a good decision logically, without mean harsh words having to be spoken.

This was a great lesson in the power of knowing what makes us tick, and using that knowledge and understanding to speak the language of the other person, thereby CREATING successful relationship.

Our needs and wants drive us too!

Continuing thoughts on conflict resolution:

So…back to needs and wants of the colors.
How can your needs and wants get in the way of creating and sustaining successful relationships?
First of all, do you know your needs and wants? In your comprehensive analysis you will find the needs and wants of your primary and secondary colors. You may find a mixture of these needs and wants that are most important to you. “Humble up”, and honestly “get” your own needs and wants. This is part of First Base in the game of life, “Get Yourself”.
Your driving core motive is just that. It is the innermost impulse to action. The most powerful influence in your personality. Needs and wants come from the core of the motive. They also drive you to a significant degree.
I’ll give you an innocent little example in my own life. Yesterday, I was standing beside a house we are selling that was in need of some repair on the duct work. My friend, and fellow Color Coder, Ken Anderson is a contractor and was doing some of the other work that needed to be done. When it came to the heating and air duct work, HE said to me, “I think you might be better off to call someone who is a professional on that kind of work.” While we stood there...Ken, Tammy, and me…I called my friend Steve, who is a Heat and Air Repairman. I said to him, “Ken and I are standing here trying to figure out what to do on this and I said, why don’t I just call a professional?”
Ken and Tammy looked at each other with puzzled looks and then began to snicker to each other. When I hung up my phone, I said, “What are you laughing about?” Tammy said, “YOU didn’t say, let’s call a professional, KEN did!” “You are so yellow, you just want to look good to Steve!” She was right. (As a side note…my first inclination was to defend myself and explain why I did it, again...to look good. But the truth was she was RIGHT! Someone once said, “as soon as you begin to defend yourself, you cease to seek the truth”.
So, we all had a good laugh, and thanked God that we know Color Code!

POINT: My yellow need to “look good” automatically drove my behavior to misstate the facts. Innocent as it was, that IS what happened. How are your needs and wants driving some of your behavior?

REDS: Do you find yourself arguing with people all the time because of your need to be right and look good intellectually?
BLUES: Do you find yourself lecturing people all the time about how life should be lived because you have a need to be good morally, or your need to be understood?
WHITES: Do you find yourself retreating from discussing your feelings with people because of your need to be independent and have your own space?
YELLOWS: Do you find yourself lacking commitment and follow-through because of your need for freedom?

POINT TO PONDER: How are MY needs and wants blocking me in creating relationships?

More to come…stay tuned.

I was wrong.

Last week, during a Motive Matters/Color Code class on relationships, Tammy and I shared a couple of examples of what, at the time, were serious conflicts from from our marriage relationship. Harsh words had been spoken, feelings were hurt, negative emotions were activated, insecurities showed themselves plainly. We were doing what all couples do…fighting.
During the class, someone asked, “So, how do get over it…how do you resolve it…what do you do when you are both mad, and hurt, wounded and both of you have your feet dug in, aggressively defending your positions?”
GREAT QUESTION!
Over the course of the next several blogs, I will share some of the things Tammy and I have learned to do. Some of these are “processes”, and some are “techniques”.
All of them add up to “skills” or “competencies” of one sort or another. They usually fall into the category of Emotional Intelligence (EI) skills, or Communication skills. The good news is, everyone reading this can learn to develop a skill set of your own. You may be weak and uncomfortable with EI and communicating feelings, like I was…but ALL OF US can improve!
Motive matters, a lot! Let’s start with motive, and needs and wants. (Be sure you know your own needs and wants from your core and secondary colors.)
Needs and wants are different from gifts and strengths. Whether your heart’s motive is clean or dirty, will often cause your needs and wants to create a wall that blocks successful inter-personal relationship.
Dr. Taylor Hartman says, “In my experience there are really only two motives that drive people; fear and love.”
William Young, in his brilliant Best Seller, “The Shack”, writes about the two choices we humans often make that cause us so much pain, hurt, and block us in our relationship with God and each other; selfishness and independence.
In my experience, I have found, when the motive of my heart is fear based…THAT is when I most often make choices that are selfish and independent.
When I open myself to be motivated by the power of love, I am much more secure within my own self. I am more secure in my two brains…my thinking brain, and my emotional brain. I am infinitely more capable of “owning” my own shortcomings and failures and admitting to them.
People who are secure, and motivated by love are empowered to utter those rare but beautiful, healing words, “I was wrong”. In his book, “Sandcastles”, Taylor Hartman writes, “You must be willing to be wrong sometimes. And in order to be wrong, you have to know you are still a legitimate and worthy human being. The person, who doesn’t feel he/she is intrinsically worthy, is always the most insecure party in conflict communication. The weakest link controls the relationship”.
The opposite of humility is insecurity. Always be checking yourself for defensive behavior. Defensiveness is the tip off that insecurity is as work. Fear and insecurity go hand in hand.
Taylor reminds us, “Secure people SEEK feedback from others.” During those times when this feedback is not perceived by you as being positive, remember…secure people genuinely respond by saying, “Thank you.”
Ponder these thoughts. Pray about them. Seek love. It is the highest motive for living a charactered life. More to come....

Make it last for a lifetime.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING TO LAST FOREVER, YOU TREAT IT DIFFERENTLY. IT IS SPECIAL…BECAUSE YOU HAVE MADE IT SO.
IF YOU WERE GOING OUT TO BUY A CAR TODAY…WHICH CAR WOULD YOU BUY?
If YOU WERE GOING OUT TO BUY A CAR TODAY…AND YOU KNEW IT WOULD BE THE ONLY CAR YOU WOULD EVER BUY, AND IT WOULD NEED TO LAST YOU A LIFE TIME…WHICH CAR WOULD YOU BUY?
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY….HOW WOULD YOU TREAT THAT ONE AND ONLY CAR, IF YOU KNEW IT HAD TO LAST YOU A LIFETIME?
1. YOU WOULD KEEP IT CLEAN.
YOU WOULD WASH IT, INSIDE AND OUT. IF YOU SPILLED SOMETHING ON THE CARPET, YOU WOULD SHAMPOO IT OUT SO IT DIDN’T BEGIN TO STINK, OR WORSE, ROT. IT WOULD BE A PRIORITY.

2. YOU WOULD CHANGE THE OIL, RIGHT ON TIME, KNOWING THAT CLEAN OIL IS THE LIFE OF THE ENGINE. IT WOULD BE A PRIORITY.
.
3. YOU WOULD CHECK THE WATER AND ANTI-FREEZE REGULARLY, KNOWING THIS IS WHAT MAINTAINS AND REGULATES THE TEMPERATURE OF THE ENGINE IN THE HEAT OF JULY AND THE BITTER COLD OF JANUARY. IT WOULD BE A PRIORITY.
4. YOU WOULD PUT IT IN THE GARAGE EVERY NIGHT TO KEEP IT PROTECTED FROM THE ELEMENTS. IT WOULD BE A PRIORITY.
5. YOU WOULD PERFORM PREVENTIVE MAINTENANCE ON A REGULAR BASIS. YOU WOULDN'T WAIT FOR SOMETHING TO BREAK, LIKE A TIMIMG BELT, WHICH WOULD BNED AND BREAK LOTS OF OTHER STUFF IN THE ENGINE. IT WOULD BE A PRIORITY.

IN SHORT, IF YOU KNEW THIS CAR HAD TO LAST A LIFETIME, YOU WOULD TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT.
SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS MIGHT MAKE FUN OF YOU, OR EVEN CHASTISE YOU FOR BEING SO FINICKY ABOUT IT. THEY WOULD TELL YOU IT IS SILLY TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON A CAR. THEY MIGHT SAY, “I JUST DRIVE THE WHEELS OFF MY CAR, THEN I TRADE IT IN FOR ANOTHER ONE”. “YOU ARE CRAZY; NO ONE DRIVES A CAR FOR LIFE!”

NOW, WHAT IF I APPROACHED MY MARRIAGE WITH THE FRAME OF MIND; "THIS IS MY ONE AND ONLY MARRIAGE. IT WILL NEED TO LAST ME FOR A LIFETIME."
HOW WOULD I TREAT IT?
A LOT DIFFERENT, I SUPPOSE.

1. I WOULD KEEP OUR MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP CLEAN, INSIDE AND OUT.
LIFE HAS A WAY OF DEPOSITING IT’S DIRT, GRIME, AND ROAD FILM ON OUR RELATIONSHIPS AND ON US. AND WE ALL STEP IN GREASE ON OCCASION OR SPILL SOMETHING STICKY ON EACH OTHER UNINTENTIONALLY. (A RUDE OR SARCASTIC COMMENT) UNCLEANLINESS IN A MARRIAGE CAN BE ANYTHING FROM AN AFFAIR, OR PORNOGRAPHY, TO UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS, AND SELFISHNESS.
KEEPING MY MARRIAGE CLEAN REQUIRES SOME DETAIL WORK. I NEED TO KEEP MY HUMILTY SOAP AND MY HUMBLE VACUUM CLEANER IN GOOD WORKING ORDER. KEEP IT CLEAN. IT IS A PRIORITY.
2. REMEMBER; MARRIAGE IS A 3 WAY PARTNERSHIP. I NEED TO KEEP THE OIL OF GLADNESS, THE OIL OF HEALING, THE OIL OF ANNOINTING, CLEAN AND FRESH. CLEAN OIL KEEPS DOWN THE FRICTION OF MOVING PARTS, YOU KNOW. IT IS A PRIORITY.
3. I NEED TO CHECK THE WATER AND THE ANTI-FREEZE. I NEED TRUTH TO REIGN IN EMOTIONS AND STAY REGULATED. NOT TO HOT…NOT TOO COLD. A GENTLE WORD OF AFFECTION THAT BUILDS SECURITY AND TRUST WHEN IT GETS HOT…AND A LITTLE ROMANCE WHEN IT STARTS GETTING COLD.
4. I WOULD PLACE MY MARRIAGE IN A SAFE, PROTECTED PLACE AT NIGHT. GOING TO SLEEP ANGRY LEAVES THE RELATIONSHIP EXPOSED TO ALL KINDS OF DAMAGING ELEMENTS. THE WINDS OF RESENTMENT, THE HAIL OF BITTERNESS, THE SLEET OF DISCONTENT. THE SAFEST PLACE FOR MY MARRIAGE IS IN THE GARAGE OF RE-TURNING TOWARD EACH OTHER, FORGIVENESS, AND GRACE. IT IS A PRIORITY.
5. I WOULD MAKE TIME TO GROW MY MARRIAGE BY SPENDING TIME WITH MY WIFE AT A MOVIE, OR DINNER, OR A GOOD COLOR CODE MEETING. RENEW THE BASICS OF COMMITTMENT, SHARING FEELINGS, LISTENING, HOLDING HANDS, PRAYING TOGETHER. KEEP IT IN GOOD SHAPE, NOT WAITING UNTIL SOMETHING BREAKS. IT IS A PRIORITY.

YESTERDAY, I ATTENDED A FUNERAL. I WATCHED AS A WIDOW OF A 52 YEAR MARRIAGE, RAISED HER RIGHT HAND IN WORSHIP OF HER HEAVENLY FATHER WHO HAD BLESSED HER WITH A LIFE LONG RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, HER HUSBAND. THE VALUE OF LIFETIME MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIP WAS RENEWED WITHIN MY MIND AND HEART. I AM SURE THEY HAD THEIR DIFFICULTIES, AND TIMES WHEN IT SEEMED IMPOSSIBLE TO GET ALONG, BUT IN THE LONG RUN, THEY CHOSE TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF EACH OTHER.
AND IN THE END, I AM REMINDED, ONCE AGAIN; WHEN IT IS ALL SAID AND DONE, LIFE IS ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

The Cracked Pot

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water, at the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house." The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Romans 26-28 (Message Bible) Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

To all our cracked pot friends....bless you!

Moving empathy to sympathy

em·pa·thy (µm“p…-th¶) n. 1. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.
sym·pa·thy (s¹m“p…-th¶) 1.a. A relationship or an affinity between people or things in which whatever affects one correspondingly affects the other. b. Mutual understanding or affection arising from this relationship or affinity.

The third skill of EI (Emotional Intelligence) is Empathy, the ability to feel what others are feeling.
Just knowing that you have that capacity can change your relationship life. You must develop this skill in order to move to the fifth skill of EI which is “The art of managing emotions in others…the art of relationships.”
Empathy and sympathy are related words, but there is a difference that is significant.
Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, reminds us that we are instructed to be sympathetic. (Col. 3.12) Sympathy is like empathy on steroids. It is good to be empathetic, it is better to be sympathetic. Empathy is like knowledge, sympathy is like empathy with legs. Empathy acknowledges the feelings of another, sympathy moves you to be “affected” by the acknowledgment of those feeling and to share the joy or the burden of those feelings in what we call fellowship and relationship.
Warren writes, “Sympathy meets two fundamental human needs: the need to be understood and the need to have your feelings validated.”
“Every time you understand and affirm someone’s feelings, you build fellowship. The problem is that we’re often in such a hurry to fix things that we don’t have time to sympathize with people. Or we’re preoccupied with our own hurts. Self-pity dries up sympathy for others.”
Being in a hurry (RED), or self centeredness (YELLOW), or being reluctant (WHITE) will ruin opportunities in which you can DEVELOP your number 3 and 5 skills of Emotional Intelligence.
We should be reminded that each and every time we practice a skill of EI, neural pathways are created and expanded. In simple terms, if you are learning to be a good listener, every time you stretch and do the hard work of paying attention to what someone else is saying, you physiologically become a better listener. It gets easier!
The higher motive of charactered living that moves empathy to sympathy and relationship is love.