“I love you.”
Are you comfortable saying these words?
“I love fast cars!” “I love the St. Louis Cardinals!” “I love to play golf!” “I love my dog!” As long as we have a good feeling about something, we can say we love it! We usually don’t associate “love” with anything but gooooood, positive “feelings”.
Most of us have some issues when it comes to these three words. It just seems to be the way we are conditioned as a result of experience and society. In fact those three words can drive some of us nuts. If you ever want to see someone look like a deer in the head lights, just for effect, spring those words on them unexpectedly.
When Tammy and I were dating, 36 years ago, we had issues with those words. As a YELLOW, I was most reluctant to say those words, no matter how much I knew my BLUE girlfriend wanted to hear them. (Sounds too much like “commitment, responsibility,…MARRIAGE!!!) As we continued to court each other, I somehow managed to get enough courage to say…”I love you, for today”. This was long before we knew anything about how much MOTIVE MATTERS and Color Code. About a year later, we went through a high school break-up. Tammy seemed to be showing way to much interest in another guy, so I began to try to win her back. When faced with the prospect of losing her to the competition, it was amazing how bold I became in saying “Hey!...I Love YOU!!” She would smugly look out the window of my ’66 Shelby Mustang without comment.
“Do YOU love ME??!!??!!??”, I would implore.
After what seemed like an eternity, she would say, “I guess I love you…for today”.
PAYBACK! Oh, I hated that. Believe it or not, YELLOW wanted “commitment” from his BLUE!!! (As I reflect back, I think she was using excellent color code skills by nature. She was doing the very thing that pushed me to get real with my true feelings, and develop commitment in my “yellow” self.
Are you fearful of saying I Love You? Do you know what you are saying when you say it?
All the rules change in a relationship when you say those three words, I love you. Why?
Because love goes to the heart of the matter. It clarifies your ultimate motive upon which the relationship is built. Beyond our innate personalities which are driven by our gift of core motive, whether POWER, INTIMACY, PEACE, or FUN, all of us are driven by fear or love. The expression of love being the motive brings confidence that the agenda is to do good and not harm. But love is a powerful motive. As Randy Gariss said, “Love can do much harm or much good because it goes to the deepest parts of the soul and the emotions.”
What most people don’t realize is, love is not just a noun…a feeling… love is a verb. 99% of the time when we say “I love you”, we are admitting to ourselves, or the other person, that there is a “feeling”, an emotion, of fondness, goodwill, or connection. However, the highest form of love, agape, is something you “do”, not something you “feel”. This love is described and can be heard at almost every wedding ceremony. You know…”Love is patient. Love is kind”…
In his wonderful book “Servant Leadership”, author James C. Hunter paraphrases the ingredients of the highest love found in I Cor. 13 this way:
“Love is how you choose to treat a person. How you choose to act and react toward them”.
It is choosing to treat them PATIENTLY - showing self-control under stress.
KINDLY – giving attention, appreciation, and encouragement (being present...a good listener)
with HUMILITY – being authentic, without arrogance or pretense (not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less)
RESPECTFULLY – treating others as important people
SELFLESSLY – meeting the needs of others
FORGIVING – giving up resentment when wronged
HONESTLY – being consistent with truth, giving people feedback, good and bad, being predictable and fair.
WITH COMMITMENT – sticking with your choices, extending and stretching ourselves for others.
The next time you say “I love you”, consider that you are choosing to treat that person in these ways.
We have a choice about whether we will behave lovingly toward others. Most of the time we will have to sacrifice…put down…take authority over…our egos, our moods, or our own self-interest.
Loving someone, and learning to love people, all kinds of people, is a wonderful thing. Love is the most powerful motivating force in the universe.
The next time you think about saying “I love you”…think about what you are saying…and go ahead…make their day, and yours…just say it…and mean it…”I LOVE YOU!”
And, by the way…I love you!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Seven Most Important Words: Continued
"Thank you".
Powerfully, wonderful words, when spoken with genuine gratitude and humility.
This simple phrase has magic in it, making the recipient feel respected, appreciated, dignified, valued, trusted, noticed, praised, and recognized.
Can you see how this simple phrase meets the needs and wants of all four personality colors?
"Thank you"...it reinforces bonds of relationship. One of the nicest things that Tammy and I experience is when someone takes the time and effort to send us a note containing these words. I have noticed something that happens, inside, when I read or hear "thank you". I feel encouraged. Thank you has the ability to create the atmosphere wherein the self-esteem of both the giver and the receiver may grow.
Saying "thank you" to my children causes them to respect themselves a little better. And, whether or not they would admit it, kids like to be thanked by us adults. I think it makes them feel valued in a special way.
I am married to a BLUE, and knowing she has a need to be appreciated, I began learning how to thank her for some of the thousands of things she does for me and others each and every day. Yes, you've heard us tell people in our Motive Matters training, "He thanks me for all kinds of things, even things like a clean house, clean towels, even clean underwear"! It is true. As a YELLOW I just assumed those things just "appeared".
In the world of business, the great ones know the importance of "Thank you". These two little words are rule number one in the book on customer retention.
Rick Warren goes so far as to propose that having an "attitude of gratitude" is one of the fundamental purposes of life.
Being a thankful person releases stress and promotes peace. "Thank you" can be the most disarming of all possible responses to criticism.
I had a man come up to me at a seminar I was giving and say, "I dropped in on one of your speeches for a few minutes a while back, and I have to tell you, I thought it was nonsense, and I got up and walked out!" I said, "I'm sorry, but thank you for honestly sharing your feelings with me because I am always happy to hear of ways I can improve on my trainings." With that he said, "Well, let me finish! I told you I walked out. I only listened that evening for a few minutes. My wife made me come to this tonight so I had to sit through the whole thing. And what I wanted to tell you is..."I'm sorry....because I really enjoyed the night and I got a lot out of it! I just felt I owed you and apology."
What a turnaround!
"Thank you" always brings out a smile.
Smiles are good.
Actually...they are wonderful!
Go ahead...practice alone if you need to...then try it on someone.
Just say it...
"Thank you!"
Powerfully, wonderful words, when spoken with genuine gratitude and humility.
This simple phrase has magic in it, making the recipient feel respected, appreciated, dignified, valued, trusted, noticed, praised, and recognized.
Can you see how this simple phrase meets the needs and wants of all four personality colors?
"Thank you"...it reinforces bonds of relationship. One of the nicest things that Tammy and I experience is when someone takes the time and effort to send us a note containing these words. I have noticed something that happens, inside, when I read or hear "thank you". I feel encouraged. Thank you has the ability to create the atmosphere wherein the self-esteem of both the giver and the receiver may grow.
Saying "thank you" to my children causes them to respect themselves a little better. And, whether or not they would admit it, kids like to be thanked by us adults. I think it makes them feel valued in a special way.
I am married to a BLUE, and knowing she has a need to be appreciated, I began learning how to thank her for some of the thousands of things she does for me and others each and every day. Yes, you've heard us tell people in our Motive Matters training, "He thanks me for all kinds of things, even things like a clean house, clean towels, even clean underwear"! It is true. As a YELLOW I just assumed those things just "appeared".
In the world of business, the great ones know the importance of "Thank you". These two little words are rule number one in the book on customer retention.
Rick Warren goes so far as to propose that having an "attitude of gratitude" is one of the fundamental purposes of life.
Being a thankful person releases stress and promotes peace. "Thank you" can be the most disarming of all possible responses to criticism.
I had a man come up to me at a seminar I was giving and say, "I dropped in on one of your speeches for a few minutes a while back, and I have to tell you, I thought it was nonsense, and I got up and walked out!" I said, "I'm sorry, but thank you for honestly sharing your feelings with me because I am always happy to hear of ways I can improve on my trainings." With that he said, "Well, let me finish! I told you I walked out. I only listened that evening for a few minutes. My wife made me come to this tonight so I had to sit through the whole thing. And what I wanted to tell you is..."I'm sorry....because I really enjoyed the night and I got a lot out of it! I just felt I owed you and apology."
What a turnaround!
"Thank you" always brings out a smile.
Smiles are good.
Actually...they are wonderful!
Go ahead...practice alone if you need to...then try it on someone.
Just say it...
"Thank you!"
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