The SEVEN MOST IMPORTANT WORDS...

Here are the first two of the seven most important words you will ever speak in creating successful relationships. Part One - Van Benson, Motive Matters.com

"I'm sorry".

Perception is the mother of conflict. Many conflicts in relationships of all kinds stem from misunderstanding and lack of humility. Sometimes, even when we are perfectly right, we say things in a manner that causes people to become defensive or offended. It might be a tactless comment from a RED, or a self-righteous opinion of a BLUE, or sarcasm from a yellow, or the appearance of seeming ambivalent or uncaring from a WHITE. Sometimes the way the say something carries far more weight in relationships than what we actually said.
The very word relationship means people are involved. And, wherever people are, there will be found...egos, insecurities, and feelings. I'm not saying compromise your core values or principles. I am saying it is imperative to understand the core motive of others and how that core motive "colors" how others perceive what we say at times. Charactered people take 100% responsibility for not only WHAT they say, but also HOW it is...or was...said.
Being able to take the other person's perspective, and understand how WHAT we said made them FEEL, is critical in maintaining mutually respectful relationships.
Humble people are much more likely to be able to say, "I'm sorry". Humble people are the ones who are able to embrace both their strengths and their limitations with compassion. This allows them the gift of knowing, "I am not perfect".
Dr. Taylor hartman writes in his new book, Playing Life to Win, "Humble people value themselves enough to admit their faults and their insecurities".
Humility allows you the personal power to say, "I'm sorry", and mean it.

And, while we are here, may I make a strong recommendation that will CHANGE YOUR LIFE...IF...you are brave enough...and secure enough, to do it?

GET RID OF THE "BUTS".

The word "BUT" is a synonym for "I didn't really mean I'm sorry". "I wish to continue the hostility between us with further justification for MY position".

At a recent relationship retreat for couples, I had all the participants write the letters B U T on a note card. Everyone formed a line, and each person, one at a time, would step forward, look me in the eye, and say, "I'm sorry", and then toss the "B U T card" away, like the rubbish of defensiveness and insecurity it represents. It was a rather simplistic excercise, but I know from my own experience, that when Tammy and I are discussing an area of conflict, which we still do by the way, we cannot say "but" without thinking of our friends and those silly "B-U-T Cards".

Dr. Hartman's books, "The People Code", "Color Your Future", and "Playing Life to Win", all remind us that the first gift we need for the journey of life is humility. Humble people are powerful people. Powerful people learn to say..."I'm sorry".

The Test of Nobility

The true test of nobility is to choose to become better than you used to be.

The greatest joy of leadership, and the essense that lies at it's core meaning, is helping other people become better than they used to be.

Motive Matters - What life is really about.

Hi Van and Tammy,

How fortunate we are to have attended your class! (Color Code) It has produced amazing results. I think the reason that Motive Matters succeeds so well is twofold: In a very non-threatening way, it makes people examine themselves and their own motives first. Introspection must always be the first step to improving our relationships.
Secondly, it gives people a common “language” to help improve communication. “I’ll quit being so Blue if you will put some of that Red away” is a friendly way to say “We’re not connecting. Let’s try again”. It seems to instantly disarm both parties and turn an unproductive situation into a productive one.
I can’t say enough about how good Motive Matters really is. It is amazingly successful at helping good people become better in their relationships. Isn’t that what life is really all about?

Many Thanks,

Valentine Retreat - Motive Matters/Color Code

Greetings to all our Motive Matters/Color Code friends.

Tammy and I enjoyed hosting our first Annual Valentine Couples retreat this past weekend at Sequoyah State Park in Wagoner Oklahoma. Thank you to our great team at the Miami Tribe of Oklahoma for your hard work and sponsorship.

We had 16 couples and what a great group they were! Congratulations to all of you! Thank you for participating. Your comments, your stories, your insights, jokes, and presence, made our time together so meaningful.
Hope you enjoy the photos. Please keep in touch, Tammy and I are here to serve you.

We love you all.

As Dr. Taylor Hartman would say, “Do your work…stretch…bring your gifts and strengths to bless the lives of others.”
You can have a GREAT marriage. The best is yet to come in your relationships.

Don’t miss the grand finale!

Motive - Color Code Question - BLUE/YELLOW

Question: “I am VERY BLUE, and I am married to a SPARKLING YELLOW, if there was one thing you could tell me to do that would improve our relationship, what would it be?”

Thank you for this great question. Your road map to great relationships always begins with an understanding of your own core motive. Remember, ‘first base’ in the game of life is “GET YOURSELF”.

As a BLUE, motivated by intimacy, you are a heavyweight, in the world of personality. You tend to be very purposeful in all you do, and you see life as a very serious endeavor. You have such a strong need for others to understand your deep feelings.
Dr. Taylor Hartman writes in his best selling book, “The People Code”, YELLOWS embody the ultimate lightweight personality”. YELLOWS are motivated by FUN! They love to live life, in the moment, fully engaged. The way they see it, “If we are not enjoying life, right here, right now, what’s the point?”

So, what is ONE THING a BLUE can do to have a better relationship with a YELLOW?

“Lighten up.” “Live life a little more carefree”.

By doing this, you will be “speaking his or her color language”. If you do this with a “clean” motive, genuine service and love, you will see a marked improvement in the relationship.

Life is all about relationships!

New TV commercial for Motive Matters training

Motive matters, The Color Code, Van and Tammy Benson As you may know, The Miami Tribe of Oklahoma was recently awarded a grant from The Administration for Native Americans through The United States Department of Health and Human Services. The grant provides funding for 24, eight hour Motive Matters/Color Code Relationship trainings, within a 50 mile radius of Miami, OK, over the course of the next year. It also provides funding for advertising to create public awareness of the importance of healthy marriages. You may already be hearing our radio commercials on several top local stations. Billboards are coming soon. Design is in progress. Thanks to the excellent work of Gary Ohmart and Ohmart Video Creations, of Joplin MO, we will begin airing television commercials on many channels of the Cable One Network this coming week. Copy and paste this link into your browser to see the commercial. http://ovcinc.com/motivematters/ Hope you enjoy it. Keep doing your work of defying your limitations, maximizing your strengths, and as bringing your gifts to bless the lives of others.

The Healing Power of Understanding - Van Benson

By Van Benson - Motive Matters - motivematters.com
There are rich traditions within the Native American culture that speak of the importance of relationships. Josh Sutterfield, Cultural Resource Specialist, Miami Tribe of Oklahoma, writes “There are four essential elements required to maintain a traditional concept of relationship within the Myaamia (Miami)”. Mr. Sutterfield continues:
1.) “KNOWLEDGE (kweehsitaatinki) – In order for relationship to be maintained we must seek to understand those whom we wish to relate to. This happens through awareness and seeking knowledge of the other.
2.) RESPECT (kweehsitaatinki) This term is the overlap between the notions of ‘fear’ and ‘respect’. Loss of respect produces instability. Instability brings harm to the people. Within the concept of kweehsitaatinki (respect) is the belief that one should not seek control over others, rather we should learn to identify the differences that exist within the social complex and respect them.
3.) HUMBLENESS (eelaaminaanki) – In a modern context, means ‘to pray’, and gives the notion of ‘gratitude’. Humbleness embodies the belief that we are not separate from the others, but are part of a larger aggregate, and our actions affect all others within the social complex in which we live.
4.) HEALING (peelakiinki) This word expresses the notion of ‘healing’ and ‘curing’. An alternate context for the term is ‘I grant life to a prisoner, set him free’. Relationships can be violated and so it is important to have the ability to heal the violation.
The relationship concept of the Myaamiaki (Miami people) has evolved over many generations through an empirical process of knowledge-practice-belief. It is therefore legitimized over time as essential for sustainable living from the perspective of this one human group, The Miami. It is through this concept that we maintain mutually respectful relationships”.
The understanding of our individual gifts of innate personality driven by a core motive has the potential to bring about much needed healing within our world today. The healing power of understanding empowers us to continue our life journey…a journey with a mission…a mission of love and service.