Life is all about relationships!

Motive Matters KSN Four States

2011-05-04T09:49:00.000-07:00

http://fourstateshomepage.com/life/family-first

Hi friends,
Tammy and I hope this finds you, all, well and your relationships growing and healthy.

In case you missed it, KSN TV did a news article about Motive Matters and The Color Code during the 10:00 O'clock edition. You can see the article by clicking on the above link. (It is 2 minutes and 13 seconds long.)

We wish to give kudos to Wendell and Maura, and to Anchor, Toni Valliere, and Camera Man, Eric, for their fine work. Thank you KSN TV for promoting family values and healthy relationships on "The Hometown News at 10"!

Keep learning, stretching, growing, and serving.

Have a great day, great relationships, and a great life:) !

2011 Valentine Weekend Retreat in Branson

2011-01-25T20:16:00.000-08:00

Visit our website www.MotiveMatters.com for details and registration

for our exciting Valentine Weekend Retreat!

This year we have chosen to host our retreat at the fabulous Chateau on the Lake in Branson, Missouri! You will love the beautiful rooms overlooking Table Rock Lake. This is an amazing 4 star facility and will prove to be a fun, informative and memorable weekend that will strengthen your marriage and leave you with lasting memories of a special Valentine with your special Valentine!

Dr. Taylor Hartman, creator of The Color Code will be joining us for the weekend, presenting our keynote address on Saturday evening, following a romantic dinner, to end a great day of Motive!

Van and Tammy Benson will be training a more in depth module on The Color Code, along with fresh new information and videos you will enjoy, and find a valuable addition to your Motive knowledge.

Due to sponsorship by the Miami Tribe of Oklahoma and Motive Matters, this is an opportunity for you to take part in world class training and hear internationally famous and best selling author, Dr. Hartman speak on the topic that is near and dear to all of us....our marriages and families. Don't miss this rare opportunity! The price is reasonable and includes 2 nights stay and meals for you both on Saturday and Sunday morning.

We are going to have a GREAT time, being together and learning together!

See you there! Space is limited! Register now at www.MotiveMatters.com

Our best to you!
Van and Tammy

Motive Matters Training Update

2010-10-18T07:33:00.000-07:00

It is such a joy, pleasure, and privilege to share life with so many of you.

Our lives have been enriched by all the wonderful people who participate in our workshops. Thank you so much!

To all who joined us this past weekend at the Hilton Garden Inn we want to give you a word of encouragement. You guys were a GREAT group!

Remember...it is Continuous SELF Improvement. Apply your new knowledge of Motive Matters and The Color Code making use of the gifts of humility, courage, and grace. Move forward with gentle but sure steps. Don't try to fix everything instantly. Learn to enjoy the journey. Be patient with yourself and your mate.

Be reminded how special and important you are. There are people in your life who are waiting for you to take the first steps. You can do this.

Refuse to allow "perfection" to thwart improvement within yourself. Never expect perfection from your mate. You married a fallible human being, and by the way, so did your spouse. Let patience have it's perfect work.

Tammy and I will be continually thinking of you and lifting you up. Call on us if you need help.

LOVE - "Extending one's self for one's own, or anothers, spiritual growth. (M. Scott Peck)

We love you guys! Hope you have a blessed day. May the very best of life be yours. Life is all about relationships.

Van Benson, President, Motive Matters

Motive Matters - Change Your World View! by Van Benson

2010-08-19T08:50:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a world view.

Dr. Henry T. Close writes in his book Metaphor in Psychotherapy, "World views are formed gradually from the moments of birth, by the untold thousands of experiences a person has in life.

Dr. Taylor Hartman writes in his book, The People Code, "Red, Blue, White, or Yellow, (Power, Intimacy, Peace, or Fun) everyone is motivated by an internal driving core personality that completely colors how he or she views and experiences life."

So, which is it?

Is our world view determined by our driving core motive, or by our life experiences?

Is it nature, or nurture?

It is both.

I have an important question for you, however.

Which comes first? (Ponder this for a moment.)

In Motive Theory, we teach that we all came here with an innate personality. We had it before we took our first breath. Ask any woman who has carried more than one child in the womb. They will inform you they could tell a difference in those kids, in the womb!

Amazing.

Motive is an innermost impulse to action.

So, what comes first, the action, or the impulse (the motive)?

The answer is, the impulse, the motive. (True, many times the impulse is not recognizable to the conscious mind. The action may be almost instantaneous, a result of the workings of the amygdala, the emotional control center of the brain. When you are startled by an unexpected sound you may physically react in as little as 30/1000 of a second.)

The word motive, and the word emotion, come from the same root word which means "to move". For this reason, if we are to understand why we do what we do, and why we see our world the way we do, we must understand the core motive which drives our personalities.

In my experience, I have found that my core motive of "Fun" operates, for the most part, in my subconscious. I am not aware of it's force which exerts itself upon my thoughts, my attitudes, or even my behaviors. This is why Motive Matters training in The Color Code is so valuable, important, and life changing. Through training, I gain knowledge which provides the power of awareness. When I am aware of my motives, I am much better equipped to control and manage them. I can begin to live emotionally intelligent, rather than just operating in my automatic mode. This is what we call personal power.

Color Code training goes right to the heart of the matter of my personality, and my world view.

I see the world through "Yellow" glasses. If I am not enjoying life, what is the use? I can do certain things, which are required, such as working, studying, concentrating, but if too much time goes by, without something, about what I am doing, being FUN, I will lose interest and focus. If I am forced to continue, over an extended period of time, doing something that is no fun at all, I can build up a lot of inner turmoil, even anger. I will seek escape.

Reds are so different in the way they see life. They see through RED glasses. Motivated by "Power", if they are not moving from A to B, being productive, and getting things done, they are not happy campers.

Whites are motivated by Peace. They seek an inner sense of calm and tranquility, avoiding conflict at all cost. Without peace, life is no good.

And, our Blues are driven by Intimacy, deep, close, personal, trusting connections of the heart. A life without purpose, and deep connections is no life at all. That's the way they see the world.

We see the world differently, don't we?

Well.............who is right?

I can hear all of you, in all your different perspectives and colors saying in unison, "I am!" (Especially you Reds! :)

Our world views tend to be self validating. We are not very objective when it comes to our world view. We look for, and seek out, people, situations, circumstances, knowledge, that will confirm, or validate "OUR" world view. Because of this tendancy, our world view often becomes a "self-fulfilling prophecy". As Dr. Close puts it, "If I think people don't like me, I may tend to be less socially engaging. This may result in my having few close friends. Therefore, my world view must be right. I am not very likeable."

Is the world view correct in the afore mentioned example? Is it based in truth? Is it reality?

When Tammy and I conduct Motive Matters seminars, we always tell our audience, "This training will change your life. You will never see yourself, or anyone else the same." When we return to train a group, or a team, for the second or third time, I always ask them whether they have seen any changes in their thoughts, attitudes or perspectives. With very few exceptions, the answer is always a resounding yes.

Reds tell of how they are becoming more sensitive to the feelings of others. Blues tell of learning to overcome their unrealistic expectations. Whites say, "I am learning to be more social, to speak up." And Yellows are so proud that they are beginning to be more focused and organized.

These changes come from shifts in world view. I know of no other tool, in the field of personality, which helps people to understand and value each other more effectively, than Motive Matters, and The Color Code. Blue Tammy calls the process "The healing power of understanding." This healing often is the result of either a conscious or unconscious change of world view.

I have an idea, for a great change of world view, I would like for you to consider.

"Life is all about relationships!"

Yes, people are different. We are motivated by different impulses. Our differences are a good thing. Our differences were never meant to confound or confuse us, but to remind us of an important truth. We were always meant to be a TEAM!

We need each other.

Now, that's what I call a "New and Improved" world view!

Make plans to attend a Motive Matters training. Our next one is in Miami OK on August 28th from 10:00 A.M. to 5:00 P.M. This seminar is almost filled to capacity, so make your reservations soon, or get on the notification list for upcoming events. You can do so by sending an email to tammy@motivematters.com.

Have a great day...and a great world view! :)

I

How Does This Work? -Van Benson, Motive Matters, Color Code

2010-08-08T07:06:00.000-07:00

Hi friends,
Tammy and I have met so many great and wonderful people during the past several months. I can't tell you all how much I appreciate and value the time we spend together learning about Motive. A more correct way to put that would be, how we are learning about ourselves and each other, about people. What could be more important? ...(I will let you think about that one...)

We just returned home from Frankfort KY, after a Motive Matters, Color Code training with 42 teachers and administration at Frankfort Christian Academy. What a COOL school! They have a beautiful facility, a former T-shirt factory, which they converted, through much love and hard work, for a much higher higher purpose. We were privileged to get to meet, and interact, with the people who make it their life and ministry to educate the next generation of young people from in and around their city. Thank you to Paul and Linda Simms and the entire staff of FCA for making our training day a success.

We laughed, we cried, we pondered, we considered,...we learned!

On our flight home from Louisville to Tulsa, aboard the great Southwest Airlines, (I am a raving fan of theirs) I read an article in Spirit Magazine, written by Keith Runnels, a supervisor, Aircraft Maintenance, Dallas.

"Keith realized early on he could turn his tinkering habit into a career. As a little boy, one of his family's friends worked as an aviation mechanic. One weekend my Dad brought home a motorcycle in a box", Keith says. "He'd actually brought it home in pieces. Hank, the mechanic, told my Dad to take us out for the weekend, and when we got back home, he had put the entire motorcycle together!"

This impressive feat stuck in Keith's mind for years. He describes working as a mechanic for Southwest Airlines as, "the pinnacle of my career."

As a Maintenance Supervisor, his favorite question is, "How does this work?" Great question! Then he got me! He writes, "I found this applies to my fellow workers, as well as to airplanes.

He is right.

It is so helpful to know how people work. What makes them tick? What is the MOTIVE that MATTERS to them? Teachers love to learn what motivates their students as well as what motivates themselves, personally. Soooo helpful.

No matter what your profession; teacher, doctor, policeman, factory worker, manager, executive, knowing and understanding people is at the heart of your ability to be successful in life. Learning to value all people, regardless of personality differences, learning to "speak their language", and serve their emotional and psychological needs, creates trust and high performance teamwork. As Dr. Taylor Hartman says, "Life is all about Relationships!"

This month alone we will be training over 350 teachers about how Motive Matters in relationships. We hope our time together will result in knowledge and understanding that will help these teachers learn to VALUE, RESPECT, and MOTIVATE their students in a new and powerful way, bringing out the very best in all.

Let's all continue, as Dr. W. Edwards Deming said, to have a "yearnin' for learnin'." Let's keep stretching, growing, extending ourselves, for our own personal growth, and for the growth and benefit of others.

Very best of living to all. GO TEAM!

2010-03-13T07:42:00.000-08:00

Hello everybody:)!!
Wow, it's been a while since I blogged. Tammy and I have been on a whirlwind of trainings.
The Valentine Retreat in Branson was absolutely wonderful. To all our friends who attended, we want you to know we will never forget the special time we enjoyed together. It was you who made it special. Everyone participated and shared. I wish we could have bottled that retreat, and offerred it to the entire world. Thank you to everyone! Special "Kudos" to Valery and Tammy and Stefany for all your hard work of preparation that paid off in improving relationships for all. You are the best "TEAM" ever!
For our corporate teams that we have been with in the last 8 weeks, you should know how proud we are of you. Your work of CSI, Continuous Self-Improvement has been an inspiration to us. You are doing a great job. Keep up the "work". Become your "Very Best!" Keep getting better, with the goal being to bring your gifts and strengths to help as many people as you can.
We arrived home last night from a trip to our nation's capitol. We had the priviledge of training a team from The Pentagon. This is a team that protects the people who protect "The People" of the United States of America, the greatest nation on earth.
With all the negativity in politics and government that is going on in our world, it was sooooooo refreshing to be with a team of people who do the work on the ground every day. Any company in the world would give their eye teeth to have a team like this one. The trust, commitment, loyalty, dedication, discipline, and team spirit they possess, serves as a model to the goodness and character derived from training and service in the military and policing professions. Kudos to each and every one of you on the "TEAM". Thank you for allowing us to serve you with training in Motive. Continue in being "Your Very Best!" Your service to the people of our nation, our children and grandchildren, is deeply appreciated.

I will close out this blog with this thought from our dear friend, the Author and Originator of "The Color Code/The People Code", Dr. Taylor Hartman. Your gifts are given, primarily, to benefit others. Being self-aware will help you use your strengths, and defy your limitations. The aim, in all we do, is to help you create and sustain successful relationships, so that your life, when it is all said and done, will benefit others, and yourself, to the greatest extent possible.

As he so often says, "Bring your gifts to bless the lives of others."

We love you all.

Van and Tammy

Valentine Retreat in Branson!!!

2010-01-11T07:09:00.000-08:00

This is going to be so much FUN!

A weekend retreat for couples in Branson, sponsored by The Miami Tribe of Oklahoma. This is your opportunity to attend a fantastic weekend that will strengthen your marriage for life. Because of the Tribe's sponsorship it is being made at a most affordable price for couples.

Color Code/Motive training sessions begin Saturday morning Feb. 13th, at 9:00 o'clock A.M., but you can come on friday evening and start the weekend off with some private time together. Take in a show, shop, or just hang out!

Lunch will be served Saturday and a scrumptious filet dinner in the evening. Mmmmm! Can't wait.

Reserve your spot today by clicking on the Billboard or the Miami Tribe of Oklahoma banner at http://www.motivematters.com/.

For questions or information email us at vanandtammy@msn.com or call Valery at 417-540-6019.

Space is limited, so make your reservations today.

We look forward to an unforgetable time together.

Van and Tammy Benson

Just take a step of self improvement!

2009-11-27T04:40:00.000-08:00

Motive Matters provides us with a simple, easy to understand tool of self-awareness.

Self-awareness is a fundamental tool for self improvement.

"Get" yourself. Where are you? What is going on in your life? Decide to take a step toward a better life. Take responsibility and stop the blame game.

Personality is a gift, character is a victory!

Help others by being you!

2009-11-27T04:35:00.000-08:00

As Thomas Aquinas wrote, "Human life would seem to consist in that in which each man most delights, that for which he especially strives, and that which he particularly wishes to share with his friends."
Motive Matters is a window into a marvelous and fascinating world of people.
People.

The highest order of creation.

You.

A member of the Human Team.
“Your Designer couples the "want to" with the "be able to." Desire shares the driver's seat with ability. The oak indwells the acorn.” (Max Lucado, Upwords, “Read Your Life Backwords”)

Your driving core motive, your color, is your gift. What you do with it is your gift.

You can choose to get what you want out of life, or you can choose to serve others with your color, and help them get what they want and need.
Dr. Taylor Hartman writes, “Personality is a gift, character is a victory!”

Get your self…get truth…get over yourself…get others!

Good article on self-control

2009-10-14T09:40:00.000-07:00

I hope you enjoy the following article from Purpose Driven Life. I am happy to receive articles like this in my email inbox on a daily basis.

Healing Choices: Controlled by Circumstances or Character
Rick Warren From PurposeDriven.com In our Devotionals series, Pastor Rick Warren discusses the Bible passages that inspire him the most. Today's Devotional is based on this passage:

“It is better to win control over yourself than over whole cities” (Proverbs 16:32 TEV).

When we say things like, ‘That makes me so mad…so sad…feel so bad,’ then we’re actually saying that circumstances control the way we feel. Yet, we do have a choice. We have the ability to make healing choices. We can choose to remain positive; we can choose to not let some circumstance ‘make’ us mad.

The ability to control our reactions, to handle hurt without retaliating is called meekness. Jesus promised, “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:5 NIV). Meek people control their reactions toward life and this gives them far more control over a situation than if they simply react.

If you are a meek person, you are no longer a victim. You control your choices. The best definition of meekness in the Bible is Proverbs 16:32: “ . . . It is better to win control over yourself than over whole cities” (TEV).

During World War II, the noted psychiatrist Victor Frankl was a prisoner in the concentration camp at Auschwitz. He said, “They took my clothes, my wife, my kids, my wedding ring. I stood naked before the SS and I realized they can take everything in my life but they cannot take my freedom to choose how I will respond to them."

That is a freedom you will always have. How do I react? How do I choose to react to those people who hurt me?

We will be blessed when we show self-control. You might be thinking, ‘That leaves me out! I can't control my reactions! I can't get them under control!’ The secret of controlling your reaction is letting God's Spirit fill your life moment-by-moment. He'll break all those bad habits, all those patterns of reacting, all those old ways of being negative, defensive--reacting in fear, in anger, in sarcasm. He can break all those old patterns in your life and fill your life with power, love, and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7).

Some of us are stressed out by life, by circumstances, by relationships. What do we need more than anything else? We need to develop the quality of meekness; the quality of controlling our reactions by the Spirit God has placed in us.

You can learn more about what God wants for you by reading The Purpose Driven Life.

I like this column by Cal Thomas

2009-06-30T06:04:00.000-07:00

Well said by Cal Thomas. www.calthomas.com

The Voice Claims Another Victim

By Cal Thomas

The first thing that should be acknowledged about South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s admission to an extramarital affair is that it could happen to any of us. That is not an excuse (and no, it has not happened to me, or to my wife). Every married person has heard the voice; the one that says you deserve something “better.”

Gov. Sanford should have been familiar with the voice because of the Bible studies he attended. The voice began seducing humanity a long time ago. It told our first parents that they needed more than the perfection of Eden. The voice told them that God knew that if they ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil they would be like God. But they already were like God, because they were made in His image.

Stick with me you secularists and non-literalists, because there is a point to be made for you, too.

Psychiatrists explain that married people tire of one another after 10 or 20 years (it used to be seven years, as in that Marilyn Monroe/Tom Ewell film “The Seven Year Itch.” Must be inflation.). Good marriages are the result of hard work. Forsaking all others is more than a wedding promise. It is a daily denial of one’s lower instincts. Temptation is everywhere. The key to overcoming it is to realize you are fighting an adversarial force that wants to destroy you, embarrass you and cause ridicule to be heaped on the God you claim to worship.

One can make excuses about power and loneliness and starting out as a friendship that develops into something else, as Gov. Sanford rambled on about, but one can’t explain adultery. It is what it is and the person who commits it should be calling on God for mercy, not the voters for understanding.

I once asked evangelist Billy Graham if he experienced temptations of the flesh when he was young. He said, “of course.” How did he deal with them? With passion he responded, “I asked God to strike me dead before He ever allowed me to dishonor Him in that way.” That is the kind of seriousness one needs to overcome the temptations of a corrupt culture in which shameful behavior is too often paraded in the streets.

There was a time when a divorce would disqualify someone from public office. Now people admit affairs and expect to stay in office. “It’s just sex,” said defenders of Bill Clinton. One might as well say, “it was just a gun” that killed my spouse. Adultery wounds in ways a bullet cannot. One can potentially heal from a bullet wound, but a shot to the soul and to the trust that must be central to any marriage is nearly impossible to repair. The wounded spouse always wonders, “Will he/she do it again?”

A relationship most promise to venerate “until death us do part” is damaged by adultery, whether it’s a TV evangelist, a politician or a regular Joe who violates the marriage bed. In fact, we rarely even use the word “adultery” anymore because it sounds so, uh, biblical, and those teachings and commands long ago fell out of fashion, though they work for those who embrace them.

Any man who claims never to have had thoughts of straying is a liar. Any man who has sought the help of God and other men in helping him to honor his marriage promises to his wife and children is a hero, especially in today’s morally exhausted culture.

I miss Paul Harvey and his acknowledgement of those who had been married 50, 60, even 70 years. Those people are my role models. I’m sure they heard the voice, too, but they told it to get lost and it did. Pushing against weights builds up the body, pushing against the voice builds up the soul and improves a marriage. You can never take a marriage — or the voice — for granted; it’s always on the prowl looking for new people to destroy.

Van - One thing I would add to Cal's excellent column: Kudos to the governor's wife for maintaining a willingness to seek restoration of the marriage relationship and extend forgiveness, in a spirit of christian love. Rebuilding trust takes time and hard work, but there are many couples who have done their work, repaired their connection, and are reaping the rewards of enjoying the life-long relationship called marriage. They serve as heroes to their children and all the rest of us.

Forgive...and Live Again - Motive Matters Van Benson

2009-06-26T07:37:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness: To stop the blame and grant pardon

No matter how innocent our intentions, how competent we are in relationship skills, there will always be conflict, born of misunderstanding, and ill conceived perceptions of the motives and actions of others. WHEN you get stuck in relationship difficulties, give yourself a little time to calm the emotions and then consider the healing power of forgiveness. A conscious decision to stop the blame and grant pardon.

Consider these selected quotations on the subject and then get ready for a moving video about a daughter extending forgiveness to a man who killed her father. Choosing to forgive someone is rarely easy or quick. Forgiving a friend or family member is often more difficult than forgiving an enemy. When we forgive, we can breath again, and so can the offending party. Forgiveness is a beautiful, freeing, gift we give to others, and to ourselves.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
"We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies."

MOHANDAS K. GANDHI:
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

THICH NHAT HANH:
"The practice of peace and reconciliation is one of the most vital and artistic of human actions."

Motive Matters Highlight Video - 20 mins

2009-06-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

Our work through Motive Matters and The Color Code has given us the opportunity to work with so many wonderful people in many different venues.... from individuals and families wanting to strength their relationships to corporate management and production teams, to faith based marriage retreats, to professional development workshops for teachers, and relationship training for High School students.

We consider it a great privilege to partner with the Miami Tribe of Oklahoma, and the Administration for Native Americans, promoting the value of healthy marriages and strong relationships through the President's Healthy Marriage Initiative.

As part of our 3 year program, we will be sending a DVD of this video to each tribal household of the Miami Nation.

A special thank you to Greg Fish of www.fishxpressions.com and Gary Ohmart of www.ovcinc.com for your assistance and contributions to this video. Nice job!

What Got into YoU? by Van Benson

2009-06-04T19:37:00.000-07:00

I just want to say a hearty "Thank you" to the outstanding staff of Color Code International.
Thank you Lan, Jeremy, Lindsay, Matthew, and of course, Dr. Taylor Hartman, Author of The Color/People Code. You guys are awesome and we at Motive Matters love you and respect you for all you do to help us accomplish our mission.

The more we train the principles of The Color Code, the more we appreciate the author's genius of revealing the needs and wants of the four Colors.

Your individual needs and wants will usually come from your primary and secondary colors. The "needs and wants" portion of The People Code represents our "Roadmap" to serving others, speaking their "color" language, and creating, and sustaining, successful relationships. When you are consistently serving another person's needs and wants, it is difficult...very difficult, for a good relationship NOT to evolve and grow.

Here they are for you to consider:

RED - Needs to look good technically, intellectually, academically
Needs to be right
Needs to be respected (treat them as if they are important...they are!)
Needs to attain the approval of a select few
Wants to hide insecurities
Wants to produce
Wants leadership position
Wants to experience challenging adventure

BLUE - Needs to be good morally
Needs to be understood
Needs to be appreciated
Needs to be accepted
Wants to reveal insecurities
Wants to be autonomous (self-governing)
Wants to attain quality
Wants to have security

WHITE - Needs to feel good (inside...peaceful and tranquil)
Needs to be allowed their own space (smart, reclusive thinkers)
Needs to be respected (treated like they are important...they are!)
Needs to be tolerated
Want to withhold insecurities
Wants to receive kindness
Wants to maintain independence
Wants to feel contented

YELLOW - Needs to look good (socially)
Needs to be noticed
Needs to be praised
Needs approval of the masses
Wants to hide insecurites
Wants to achieve happiness
Wants freedom
Wants playful adventure

What is the Core Color (Motive) of the person you need to improve a relationship with?
REDS are motivated by POWER, moving from A to B and being productive
BLUES are motivated by INTIMACY, a deep, personal connection of the heart
WHITES are motivated by PEACE, inner tranquility amidst the chaos and noise of life
YELLOWS are motivated by FUN, living life fully engaged in the moment...enjoying it now

Think about THEIR needs and wants...not your own...and consider deciding to SERVE their needs and wants in genuine and creative ways. Motive Matters is a process, not an event. Don't expect a quick fix band aid. Over time, and it's usually quicker than you think, you will see a change for the better in the relationship. The other person will probably be wondering "what got into you?"

The answer is really pretty simple: Love.

TRUST

2009-05-21T07:01:00.000-07:00

When we understand each other, we are better equipped to trust each other.

In a recent Motive Matters Color Code Relationship Training a gem of wisdom was revealed by two of the participants, one a WHITE, the other a RED.

Before I get to that let's take a quick look at the word TRUST.

Trust: 1.) Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2.) Something committed into the care of another.
3.) One in which confidence is placed.
SYNONYMS trust, faith, confidence, reliance, dependence. These nouns denote a feeling of certainty that a person or thing will not fail. Trust implies depth and assurance of feeling that is often based on inconclusive evidence.

In the world of relationships, whether business or personal, trust is critical.

Definition #1 above is the most commonly understood meaning of trust. We usually think of trust as believing someone is telling us the truth, or is acting with honesty and integrity. True. But as the famous infomercial says, "But wait! There's more!"

We must learn to trust in other's abilities: A person's ability to do something. A natural or acquired skill or competency.

Motive Matters and The Color Code, helps you discover not only an accurate sense of self-awareness, so that you become "aware" of your own natural gifts and strengths, but also teaches you about the gifts and strengths of others on your team. We are members of many "teams" during the course of a lifetime. In business, we work with management teams, production teams, supervisory teams, human resource teams, executive teams, etc. You may be a part of various teams in your church, for instance...The Worship Team, The Deacons, The Elders, Welcome Team, Parking Lot Team, Softball Team. You get the idea.

Perhaps the most important "team" you will ever participate in, is, your Family Team. A husband and a wife comprise a team. In fact, when it comes to self development, and continuous self improvement, your marriage is, without a doubt, the most important and powerful tool you will experience in life. No other relationship offers the myriad of opportunities to learn to serve another human being, while growing and maturing yourself.

Your children are star performers on your Family Team. Do you trust in their integrity...AND...in their abilities?

Each individual member of any team brings certain gifts and strengths that flow from the Driving Core Motive of their personality. Our passion at Motive Matters is to help people learn to trust each other better.

Now...back to that corporate training experience. I was training the limitation of WHITE we call "indecisive". One WHITE in the room commented how he had taken three weeks gathering information so he could buy a new washing machine for his wife. THREE WEEKS! And, still NO WASHING MACHINE! We all got a good laugh.

Just then, another WHITE spoke up. "I can't make a decision until I feel 100% confident it is the correct decision." He happened to be a brilliant engineer who performs critical design work within a manufacturing process.

Then the gem of brilliance manifested. A RED responded, "You know, sometimes I get so frustrated by what I perceive as the slow pace of you WHITES!" "But, now...I can see where you WHITES are really protecting all the rest of us. By taking a little extra time, and processing all the information logically, you are making sure the solution will work effectively for the entire team!" "Cool!"

Kudos to those who participated in teaching all of us this great truth.

None of us is smarter than all of us. And, no one of us is better than all of us. It takes all Colors, working together, trusting each other, depending upon each other, to get the job done right!

And, as Dr. W. Edwards Deming said, "To know how you depend on others, and how they depend on you,...to take pride in a job well done, and to have had the opportunity to do it...THAT is "joy" in work.

SEVEN MOST IMPORTANT WORDS - Part 3 "I love you"

2009-04-26T06:40:00.000-07:00

“I love you.”

Are you comfortable saying these words?

“I love fast cars!” “I love the St. Louis Cardinals!” “I love to play golf!” “I love my dog!” As long as we have a good feeling about something, we can say we love it! We usually don’t associate “love” with anything but gooooood, positive “feelings”.

Most of us have some issues when it comes to these three words. It just seems to be the way we are conditioned as a result of experience and society. In fact those three words can drive some of us nuts. If you ever want to see someone look like a deer in the head lights, just for effect, spring those words on them unexpectedly.

When Tammy and I were dating, 36 years ago, we had issues with those words. As a YELLOW, I was most reluctant to say those words, no matter how much I knew my BLUE girlfriend wanted to hear them. (Sounds too much like “commitment, responsibility,…MARRIAGE!!!) As we continued to court each other, I somehow managed to get enough courage to say…”I love you, for today”. This was long before we knew anything about how much MOTIVE MATTERS and Color Code. About a year later, we went through a high school break-up. Tammy seemed to be showing way to much interest in another guy, so I began to try to win her back. When faced with the prospect of losing her to the competition, it was amazing how bold I became in saying “Hey!...I Love YOU!!” She would smugly look out the window of my ’66 Shelby Mustang without comment.

“Do YOU love ME??!!??!!??”, I would implore.

After what seemed like an eternity, she would say, “I guess I love you…for today”.
PAYBACK! Oh, I hated that. Believe it or not, YELLOW wanted “commitment” from his BLUE!!! (As I reflect back, I think she was using excellent color code skills by nature. She was doing the very thing that pushed me to get real with my true feelings, and develop commitment in my “yellow” self.

Are you fearful of saying I Love You? Do you know what you are saying when you say it?
All the rules change in a relationship when you say those three words, I love you. Why?
Because love goes to the heart of the matter. It clarifies your ultimate motive upon which the relationship is built. Beyond our innate personalities which are driven by our gift of core motive, whether POWER, INTIMACY, PEACE, or FUN, all of us are driven by fear or love. The expression of love being the motive brings confidence that the agenda is to do good and not harm. But love is a powerful motive. As Randy Gariss said, “Love can do much harm or much good because it goes to the deepest parts of the soul and the emotions.”

What most people don’t realize is, love is not just a noun…a feeling… love is a verb. 99% of the time when we say “I love you”, we are admitting to ourselves, or the other person, that there is a “feeling”, an emotion, of fondness, goodwill, or connection. However, the highest form of love, agape, is something you “do”, not something you “feel”. This love is described and can be heard at almost every wedding ceremony. You know…”Love is patient. Love is kind”…

In his wonderful book “Servant Leadership”, author James C. Hunter paraphrases the ingredients of the highest love found in I Cor. 13 this way:

“Love is how you choose to treat a person. How you choose to act and react toward them”.
It is choosing to treat them PATIENTLY - showing self-control under stress.
KINDLY – giving attention, appreciation, and encouragement (being present...a good listener)
with HUMILITY – being authentic, without arrogance or pretense (not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less)
RESPECTFULLY – treating others as important people
SELFLESSLY – meeting the needs of others
FORGIVING – giving up resentment when wronged
HONESTLY – being consistent with truth, giving people feedback, good and bad, being predictable and fair.
WITH COMMITMENT – sticking with your choices, extending and stretching ourselves for others.

The next time you say “I love you”, consider that you are choosing to treat that person in these ways.

We have a choice about whether we will behave lovingly toward others. Most of the time we will have to sacrifice…put down…take authority over…our egos, our moods, or our own self-interest.

Loving someone, and learning to love people, all kinds of people, is a wonderful thing. Love is the most powerful motivating force in the universe.
The next time you think about saying “I love you”…think about what you are saying…and go ahead…make their day, and yours…just say it…and mean it…”I LOVE YOU!”

And, by the way…I love you!

Seven Most Important Words: Continued

2009-04-16T19:23:00.000-07:00

"Thank you".

Powerfully, wonderful words, when spoken with genuine gratitude and humility.

This simple phrase has magic in it, making the recipient feel respected, appreciated, dignified, valued, trusted, noticed, praised, and recognized.

Can you see how this simple phrase meets the needs and wants of all four personality colors?

"Thank you"...it reinforces bonds of relationship. One of the nicest things that Tammy and I experience is when someone takes the time and effort to send us a note containing these words. I have noticed something that happens, inside, when I read or hear "thank you". I feel encouraged. Thank you has the ability to create the atmosphere wherein the self-esteem of both the giver and the receiver may grow.

Saying "thank you" to my children causes them to respect themselves a little better. And, whether or not they would admit it, kids like to be thanked by us adults. I think it makes them feel valued in a special way.

I am married to a BLUE, and knowing she has a need to be appreciated, I began learning how to thank her for some of the thousands of things she does for me and others each and every day. Yes, you've heard us tell people in our Motive Matters training, "He thanks me for all kinds of things, even things like a clean house, clean towels, even clean underwear"! It is true. As a YELLOW I just assumed those things just "appeared".

In the world of business, the great ones know the importance of "Thank you". These two little words are rule number one in the book on customer retention.

Rick Warren goes so far as to propose that having an "attitude of gratitude" is one of the fundamental purposes of life.

Being a thankful person releases stress and promotes peace. "Thank you" can be the most disarming of all possible responses to criticism.

I had a man come up to me at a seminar I was giving and say, "I dropped in on one of your speeches for a few minutes a while back, and I have to tell you, I thought it was nonsense, and I got up and walked out!" I said, "I'm sorry, but thank you for honestly sharing your feelings with me because I am always happy to hear of ways I can improve on my trainings." With that he said, "Well, let me finish! I told you I walked out. I only listened that evening for a few minutes. My wife made me come to this tonight so I had to sit through the whole thing. And what I wanted to tell you is..."I'm sorry....because I really enjoyed the night and I got a lot out of it! I just felt I owed you and apology."

What a turnaround!

"Thank you" always brings out a smile.
Smiles are good.
Actually...they are wonderful!
Go ahead...practice alone if you need to...then try it on someone.
Just say it...
"Thank you!"

The SEVEN MOST IMPORTANT WORDS...

2009-03-29T13:29:00.000-07:00

Here are the first two of the seven most important words you will ever speak in creating successful relationships. Part One - Van Benson, Motive Matters.com

"I'm sorry".

Perception is the mother of conflict. Many conflicts in relationships of all kinds stem from misunderstanding and lack of humility. Sometimes, even when we are perfectly right, we say things in a manner that causes people to become defensive or offended. It might be a tactless comment from a RED, or a self-righteous opinion of a BLUE, or sarcasm from a yellow, or the appearance of seeming ambivalent or uncaring from a WHITE. Sometimes the way the say something carries far more weight in relationships than what we actually said.
The very word relationship means people are involved. And, wherever people are, there will be found...egos, insecurities, and feelings. I'm not saying compromise your core values or principles. I am saying it is imperative to understand the core motive of others and how that core motive "colors" how others perceive what we say at times. Charactered people take 100% responsibility for not only WHAT they say, but also HOW it is...or was...said.
Being able to take the other person's perspective, and understand how WHAT we said made them FEEL, is critical in maintaining mutually respectful relationships.
Humble people are much more likely to be able to say, "I'm sorry". Humble people are the ones who are able to embrace both their strengths and their limitations with compassion. This allows them the gift of knowing, "I am not perfect".
Dr. Taylor hartman writes in his new book, Playing Life to Win, "Humble people value themselves enough to admit their faults and their insecurities".
Humility allows you the personal power to say, "I'm sorry", and mean it.

And, while we are here, may I make a strong recommendation that will CHANGE YOUR LIFE...IF...you are brave enough...and secure enough, to do it?

GET RID OF THE "BUTS".

The word "BUT" is a synonym for "I didn't really mean I'm sorry". "I wish to continue the hostility between us with further justification for MY position".

At a recent relationship retreat for couples, I had all the participants write the letters B U T on a note card. Everyone formed a line, and each person, one at a time, would step forward, look me in the eye, and say, "I'm sorry", and then toss the "B U T card" away, like the rubbish of defensiveness and insecurity it represents. It was a rather simplistic excercise, but I know from my own experience, that when Tammy and I are discussing an area of conflict, which we still do by the way, we cannot say "but" without thinking of our friends and those silly "B-U-T Cards".

Dr. Hartman's books, "The People Code", "Color Your Future", and "Playing Life to Win", all remind us that the first gift we need for the journey of life is humility. Humble people are powerful people. Powerful people learn to say..."I'm sorry".

The Test of Nobility

2009-03-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

The true test of nobility is to choose to become better than you used to be.

The greatest joy of leadership, and the essense that lies at it's core meaning, is helping other people become better than they used to be.

Motive Matters - What life is really about.

2009-02-19T16:17:00.000-08:00

Hi Van and Tammy,

How fortunate we are to have attended your class! (Color Code) It has produced amazing results. I think the reason that Motive Matters succeeds so well is twofold: In a very non-threatening way, it makes people examine themselves and their own motives first. Introspection must always be the first step to improving our relationships.
Secondly, it gives people a common “language” to help improve communication. “I’ll quit being so Blue if you will put some of that Red away” is a friendly way to say “We’re not connecting. Let’s try again”. It seems to instantly disarm both parties and turn an unproductive situation into a productive one.
I can’t say enough about how good Motive Matters really is. It is amazingly successful at helping good people become better in their relationships. Isn’t that what life is really all about?

Many Thanks,

Valentine Retreat - Motive Matters/Color Code

2009-02-17T07:00:00.000-08:00

Greetings to all our Motive Matters/Color Code friends.

Tammy and I enjoyed hosting our first Annual Valentine Couples retreat this past weekend at Sequoyah State Park in Wagoner Oklahoma. Thank you to our great team at the Miami Tribe of Oklahoma for your hard work and sponsorship.

We had 16 couples and what a great group they were! Congratulations to all of you! Thank you for participating. Your comments, your stories, your insights, jokes, and presence, made our time together so meaningful.
Hope you enjoy the photos. Please keep in touch, Tammy and I are here to serve you.

We love you all.

As Dr. Taylor Hartman would say, “Do your work…stretch…bring your gifts and strengths to bless the lives of others.”
You can have a GREAT marriage. The best is yet to come in your relationships.

Don’t miss the grand finale!

Motive - Color Code Question - BLUE/YELLOW

2009-02-12T08:43:00.000-08:00

Question: “I am VERY BLUE, and I am married to a SPARKLING YELLOW, if there was one thing you could tell me to do that would improve our relationship, what would it be?”

Thank you for this great question. Your road map to great relationships always begins with an understanding of your own core motive. Remember, ‘first base’ in the game of life is “GET YOURSELF”.

As a BLUE, motivated by intimacy, you are a heavyweight, in the world of personality. You tend to be very purposeful in all you do, and you see life as a very serious endeavor. You have such a strong need for others to understand your deep feelings.
Dr. Taylor Hartman writes in his best selling book, “The People Code”, YELLOWS embody the ultimate lightweight personality”. YELLOWS are motivated by FUN! They love to live life, in the moment, fully engaged. The way they see it, “If we are not enjoying life, right here, right now, what’s the point?”

So, what is ONE THING a BLUE can do to have a better relationship with a YELLOW?

“Lighten up.” “Live life a little more carefree”.

By doing this, you will be “speaking his or her color language”. If you do this with a “clean” motive, genuine service and love, you will see a marked improvement in the relationship.

Life is all about relationships!

New TV commercial for Motive Matters training

2009-02-08T15:47:00.000-08:00

Motive matters, The Color Code, Van and Tammy Benson As you may know, The Miami Tribe of Oklahoma was recently awarded a grant from The Administration for Native Americans through The United States Department of Health and Human Services. The grant provides funding for 24, eight hour Motive Matters/Color Code Relationship trainings, within a 50 mile radius of Miami, OK, over the course of the next year. It also provides funding for advertising to create public awareness of the importance of healthy marriages. You may already be hearing our radio commercials on several top local stations. Billboards are coming soon. Design is in progress. Thanks to the excellent work of Gary Ohmart and Ohmart Video Creations, of Joplin MO, we will begin airing television commercials on many channels of the Cable One Network this coming week. Copy and paste this link into your browser to see the commercial. http://ovcinc.com/motivematters/ Hope you enjoy it. Keep doing your work of defying your limitations, maximizing your strengths, and as bringing your gifts to bless the lives of others.

The Healing Power of Understanding - Van Benson

2009-02-05T07:41:00.000-08:00

By Van Benson - Motive Matters - motivematters.com
There are rich traditions within the Native American culture that speak of the importance of relationships. Josh Sutterfield, Cultural Resource Specialist, Miami Tribe of Oklahoma, writes “There are four essential elements required to maintain a traditional concept of relationship within the Myaamia (Miami)”. Mr. Sutterfield continues:
1.) “KNOWLEDGE (kweehsitaatinki) – In order for relationship to be maintained we must seek to understand those whom we wish to relate to. This happens through awareness and seeking knowledge of the other.
2.) RESPECT (kweehsitaatinki) This term is the overlap between the notions of ‘fear’ and ‘respect’. Loss of respect produces instability. Instability brings harm to the people. Within the concept of kweehsitaatinki (respect) is the belief that one should not seek control over others, rather we should learn to identify the differences that exist within the social complex and respect them.
3.) HUMBLENESS (eelaaminaanki) – In a modern context, means ‘to pray’, and gives the notion of ‘gratitude’. Humbleness embodies the belief that we are not separate from the others, but are part of a larger aggregate, and our actions affect all others within the social complex in which we live.
4.) HEALING (peelakiinki) This word expresses the notion of ‘healing’ and ‘curing’. An alternate context for the term is ‘I grant life to a prisoner, set him free’. Relationships can be violated and so it is important to have the ability to heal the violation.
The relationship concept of the Myaamiaki (Miami people) has evolved over many generations through an empirical process of knowledge-practice-belief. It is therefore legitimized over time as essential for sustainable living from the perspective of this one human group, The Miami. It is through this concept that we maintain mutually respectful relationships”.
The understanding of our individual gifts of innate personality driven by a core motive has the potential to bring about much needed healing within our world today. The healing power of understanding empowers us to continue our life journey…a journey with a mission…a mission of love and service.

Ok I'm 53 and proud of it! Attn: Blues and Whites!

2009-01-28T21:20:00.000-08:00

Thank you Tammy for that birthday scripture. Makes me feel better about turning 53! I had a relaxing day, listening to the "Happy Birthday" song from my Grandsons, Nate, Eli, and Sam in Brownsville. Then from my Grandaughters, Ari, and Addy. Beautiful kiddos! You are the best.
My birthday request was to go see Clint Eastwood's new movie "Gran Tourino". It was, in my opinion, Eastwood at his best ever. This is a great movie about a very RED character...Walter...who learns a lot about life and relationships. It was worth wading through the vulgar language to get to the plot and the worthwhile message of the film. Really enjoyed it. I laughed and cheered and cried. Guess he got me. The guy is good!

Now for a little Color Code lesson from a recent training. Thank you to those who attended and the part you all played in making this training so special. Here is just one of several aha moments we had as we shared back and forth about Motive and relationships.

Attention Whites and Blues:
An interesting question came from a “White” wife regarding her “Blue” husband.
“I honestly try to be a good listener. But why does he just go on and on and on? And then, it seems like he gets more angry the longer he goes. What is the problem? What more can I do?
The answer came from across the room, from another “white”. He is in his teens and has that great, white clarity. He said, “Sometimes I have this funny, blank look on my face when my blue Mom is talking to me. I think she goes on and on because she doesn’t think I am getting what she is saying. I am, but apparently I don’t show it, so she just keeps talking.”
“Aha” - moment!!!
When communicating with blues, whites must remind themselves that the subject is usually “feelings”. Because you whites operate from a highly logical perspective, you must stretch on out there to not only connect with the emotion, but demonstrate that you do. Some evidence that you are “getting it” will be helpful to the blue. It may mean nodding your head, or maybe even a warm embrace. Help the blue “feel” understood. It is “air” to them.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VAN!

2009-01-28T05:49:00.000-08:00

Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding?

Job 12:12

Let us turn TO each other and stop turning on each other!

2009-01-27T13:05:00.000-08:00

Motive matters in relationships of all kinds.
By Van Benson
In his life-changing book, “The People Code”, Dr. Taylor Hartman offers a fresh method for analyzing and identifying your own innate personality, as well as that of others.
James F. Hennig, Ph.D, who has studied behavior style for more than three decades, says, “I believe The People Code (Color Code system of Motive) stands head and shoulders above the others, and provides greater clarity and understanding than any program I’ve ever been exposed to”.
Motive Matters is a training and consulting company that teaches people about people. We do so with executive, management, and production teams in the world of business, and in faith based organizations, with emphasis on marriage, family, and professional relationships.
Everyone is primarily motivated, at the core of their innate personality, by power (RED), intimacy (BLUE), peace (WHITE), or fun (YELLOW). Most of us represent a blend of the four colors. Our particular blend, when mixed with our unique life history, make us all.. one of a kind. One of our seminar attendees, Karolyn, wrote to me, “Color Code is not meant to confine or confuse, but to explain and enhance our understanding of ourselves and each other”. Well said!
When you understand the concept of Driving Core Motive, you can begin to adjust to the different way others see life. As Tim LaHaye wrote in Transforming Your Temperament, “Many a marriage battleground is transformed into a neutrality zone when two individuals learn to appreciate their partners temperament”. Motive training goes much deeper than mere behavior, and offers even further clarity on what Dr. John Gottman refers to as “Perpetual Problems”. The truth is, married couples and business associates often have conflict over the SAME things, over and over and over. Sixty nine percent of these perpetual problem conflicts have to do with our personality differences in perspective. Learning to take the other persons perspective is a key skill of emotional intelligence.
All the relationships of your life will be enhanced when you understand “The Why” behind the perspective and the behavior.
Then, and only then, will you be able to begin the process of “adjusting” your style of inter-acting, and communicating with someone who sees life different than you do, and more than likely speaks a different “color language” than you do.
Remember, the REDS and the WHITES take the perspective of logic. BLUES and YELLOWS are more emotional. REDS and BLUES are more comfortable when they feel a sense of control, while WHITES and YELLOWS are more comfortable when they are NOT being controlled.
It is not a question of who is better, or who is right or wrong. We are just different. None of us is smarter than all of us. We need each other.
So, let’s get started declaring a truce in the battleground of relationships, and, as was stated in the benediction of our recent Presidential Inauguration, “Let us turn TO each other, and stop turning ON each other”!

OPEN MOTIVE TRAINING SUNDAY AFTERNOON

2009-01-17T19:54:00.000-08:00

Location - Joplin Board of Realtors conference room located at 7th and Florida. Parking in rear of white buiding. Cost is $10 per person. Native Americans admission is free. This training is funded by a grant obtained by The Miami Tribe of Oklahoma. We appreciate Chief Gamble and the support he and so many others at the Tribe are giving to help marriages and families stay together. Training fun begins at 4:00 P.M. and will conclude at 8:00 P.M. All are welcome. Bring a friend! Call 417-540-5166 for details.

Take your free Color Code test at www.motivematters.com.

Red Daughter, Blue Mother - conflict

2009-01-17T19:25:00.000-08:00

Knowing motive matters helps solve conflicts and reduces recovery time from mis-communications

Red daughter had just completed printing a stack of documents. Blue Mom picked one of the papers up to inspect it. When she put it down Red daughter noticed a smudge from a fingerprint and tactlessly asserted in Red form, "Mom! I can't believe you got stuff all over it! Blue Mom said, "Well, I didn't do it on purpose! "I'll just print it over again", growed Red. "I am very sorry, but don't talk to me that way!", was Blues reply.

Thirty minutes later Blue Mom went up behind Red daughter sitting at the computer and printer and said, "I want to share something with you, you will find interesting. Are you still thinking about the fight we had 30 minutes ago? "
"Are you kidding me?" "What fight?" "Don't tell me you are...
"Yes, I am....... still thinking about it." Blue Mom has an "aha" moment and says, "I am so thankful to know we are just different!"
They both laughed, let it go, and had a great afternoon.

Motive does matter in relationships. Understanding how we see life different helps us be more gentle and forgiving of one another.

Don't sterotype, seek to identify the Core Motive.

2009-01-17T19:08:00.000-08:00

Motive Matters, The Color Code and self awareness are the perfect tools for establishing a base line for self improvement. We shouldn't stereotype or label people, but we should seek to identify and then attune to others core motive, so that we may serve them by speaking their language, thereby building rapport, communication, empathy, and cooperation. This competency is key in building effective teams, both at home and in the work place. Doing so maximizes the gifts and strengths of all team members. When people live healthy and charactered, across the Color Code, the sum of the whole is greater than the parts. As the Japanese proverb says, "None of us is as smart as all of us." Van

Motive Matters - How important are limitations?

2009-01-17T10:30:00.000-08:00

Motive matters. Compassion will help you value your strengths and your limitations cleanly and accurately.

Hi, friends, Van Benson here. :)

Dr. Taylor Hartman, in his new book, “Playing Life to Win”, writes, “Humble people learn to value both their strengths and their limitations.”
During a recent road trip, Tammy read to me from his book for nearly two entire days. I don't think “Playing Life to Win” is meant to be a quick read. I tried that the first time I read it. I loved it the first time through, but realized, the second time through, that I had missed many very important truths. Learning to “value your strengths AND your limitations” is one of those truths.
What does this mean?????
The first part, “value your strengths”, is the easiest, and perhaps more obvious. This is not to say that most people do this. In fact, one of the most gratifying things we experience as Color Code trainers, is when we see the light bulbs come on in people as they discover…often for the very first time…their innate (inborn) gifts and strengths. Reds realize that they DO have vision. They ARE productive and decisive and efficient. BLUES become aware that they ARE sincere and genuine and love to serve others. WHITES “get” they are smart, and capable and DO see things clearly and accurately. YELLOWS come to understand that they DO impact the world in a positive way, by cheering the rest of us on, with their enthusiasm and optimism.

Placing value on your strengths, and embracing the higher motives of service and love, empowers you to bring your gifts “on purpose”, and “with purpose”.

Humble people embrace AND value, BOTH, their strengths and their limitations…strong>with compassion.

How and WHY would I want to “value” my limitations???

Let’s think about this for a minute.

To place a value on something means, “to assess it’s worth or importance”.

Compassion is “a deep awareness of the suffering of another and the wish to relieve it.”

Having and “awareness” of the suffering of others is at the heart of the “SERVICE” motive.

Here is my current yellow perspective on valuing my strengths and limitations with compassion.

First, as a YELLOW, I must be aware that people are hurting out there. Smiles are highly contagious. The simple act of moving the facial muscles, in order to smile, triggers positive brain chemistry that stimulates the immune system and counteracts feelings of worry and depression. A word of encouragement, a little optimism, genuinely offered, can shine the light of life into a dark circumstance, or mood, of another, thereby relieving “suffering”, if even for a short while. For those of you who have heard me tell the story of my experience with “Dora, the hamburger cook”, you will understand how I am learning to bring “my gifts and strengths” with purpose…and on purpose. (This is a beautiful act of worship to the ONE who gave the gifts and strengths in the first place.)

Think about YOUR CORE COLOR, and consider assessing the worth...the importance... of your gifts and strengths. Consider the suffering of others…and your willingness to relieve it. How do you…or how can you relieve suffering by “bringing YOUR gifts to bless the lives of others”, as my friend Taylor Hartman like to say.

Now…to the less obvious application…valuing my limitations, and embracing them with compassion.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN????????????

As a YELLOW, I do my strengths and limitations automatically. For 50 of my 53 years, I have lived out both, without even thinking about either one. Yes, I am generally happy, enthusiastic, optimistic, innovative, fun-loving, inclusive, and spontaneous. AND…YES, I am totally capable of being disorganized, impulsive, self-centered, unfocused, flighty, undisciplined and obnoxious. (and a few more, as well).

Here is where the going can get tough for the “insecure” me.

HOW DO I ASSESS THE WORTH AND IMPORTANCE OF THE ABOVE LISTED LIMITATIONS??? Compassion... awareness of the suffering of others, and my wish to relieve it, is my best friend and colleague, IF, I am to face the truth about me, and the value...the importance... of my limitations.

IF…I am aware of the suffering of others…AND I wish to relieve it…I will face the fact that being disorganized, impulsive, self-centered, unfocused, flighty, undisciplined, and obnoxious will, in fact, LIMIT my capacity to relieve the suffering of others.

Compassion motivates me to place importance on these limiting behaviors. They become so important, that I must commit to the process of beginning to defy them, and ultimately, over time, and with God’s help, to eliminate them altogether.

WHY?
Limitations are just that…limitations. They limit my effectiveness, as a person, in helping people.

REDS….do you see that being insensitive, arrogant, impatient, and always right is important? Important alright!…IMPORTANT TO ELIMINATE! They limit you from eliminating suffering to the very best of your ability.

BLUES…do you see your self-righteous attitude, unrealistic expectations, moodiness, hard to please, being judgemental and giving LOOONG lectures, is important? Yes,… important to begin to eliminate these things, because they hinder you from alleviating the suffering of others to the very best of your ability.

WHITES…………………OF COURSE, YOU SEE…haha….I know you do…and that is what I love about you.
(For the rest of you…WHITES see how being timid, silently stubborn, unmotivated, shy, uninvolved, and not speaking up, keeps them from helping others to the very best of their ability.)

Strengths and limitations are valuable...important. Maximize your strengths, minimize your limitations. Commit to the process of self control, and self improvement. Serve, love, and help people.

CAUTION: Motive Intelligence...Color Code... awareness..., and maturity is NOT an event. It is a process. It takes time. Be gracious and patient with yourself, and others, as you grow. Love you all!

Large Earth, Small World with Relationships

2009-01-10T11:48:00.000-08:00

From Susie C. (Missouri) - Blue with secondary Yellow
Hello fellow bloggers – For those of you who read this blog regularly, you might remember that I had the privilege of going on a mission trip last summer to Goma, Congo. It was one of those life-changing experiences where I felt that I literally rubbed shoulders with Holy Spirit and fell in love with His African children.

Anyway, following my return in June, I began to diligently try to find a job. I had been unemployed since May, but didn’t feel it would be fair to take a new job and then be gone for 3 weeks, and I certainly wasn’t going to cancel the Africa trip. I sent out dozens of resumes and interviewed several places, but could just never find the right job. In desperation, I even tried a call center job. I couldn’t do it. Boy, do I have respect for those who can.

In December I drove to Dallas to go to work for my daughter who needed some interim help in her clinic (and I needed the money) and as luck would have it, I received a call actually in the car and on the way to Dallas about a possible job at St. John’s Hospital where I had worked back in the 80’s/90’s. I told them that I could not interview for three weeks and was afraid that would ruin my chances at the job. They continued to interview others and scheduled my interview for the 19th, the day of my return to Missouri.

Well, long-story-short, I got the job and it is PERFECT! It is in the not-for-profit foundation arm of the hospital which greatly interested me following the experience in Africa. It is only 32 hours per week, but with full benefits, so I was just praising God and thanking Him for answering my prayers so deliberately. OK, now here comes the fun part and the part about relationships and Our Father’s planning. I went to get the required immunizations for working in a hospital environment and while doing that, one of my friends mentioned that the new Priest at the hospital was from Africa. I became very excited and said, “Oh, I must meet him!” I went to his quarters and knocked on the door. This wonderful African voice said “welcome.” I entered speaking the very little Swahili that I remembered. His wonderful smile met my eyes which were full of tears that God had brought us together, we embraced, and there’s no doubt in my mind that we will be forever friends. I told him that I had been to Goma, and he said (you’re not going to believe this), “I was born in Goma.” Now, how is that for God’s timing and planning? After months, He put me in a job where I could have a relationship with a brother from the other side of the world. We understand each other. We’ve seen the same things. I think we will be great encouragement for each other to go about God’s work. Thank you, God, for this new relationship. We just have to be open for it and God will provide because I think He loves to bring his children together.

Susie Crutcher

Christmas - Peace with Each Other

2008-12-24T05:55:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve 2008

Christmas: Peace with Each Other

by Rick Warren

Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God. Matthew 5:9 (KJV)

Once you make peace with God and have the peace of God in your heart, you’re able to make peace with other people. God says, “I want you to be a peacemaker. I want you to be a reconciler.” The Bible calls this “the ministry of reconciliation.”

As I’ve traveled from country to country over the past few years, I’ve seen the same problem – conflict. Between husbands and wives, between generations, ethnic groups, religious groups, language groups – between nations. The greatest need in our world is reconciliation. “Peace on earth, good will toward men.”

God says, “Once I have shown you grace, I want you to show it to other people. Show them the grace I have shown you. Be a peacemaker.”

Jesus said it like this. “Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God” (Matthew 5:9 KJV).
If you really know Christ the Prince of Peace, you’re going to be a peacemaker, not a troublemaker – at work, at home, or at school.
You’re going to build people up, not tear them down.
You’re going to compliment more than you criticize.
You’re going to love people the way Jesus loves people.

Christmas is the perfect time to show grace to other people because we’re reminded of the grace God has shown us – that he gives us what we need, not what we deserve.

So let me ask you a very frank question: Who do you need to restore a broken relationship with this Christmas? That’s the spirit of Christmas – “peace on earth, good will toward men.”
You say, “I can’t do it.” When families get together at Christmas, a lot of times it brings back a lot of bad memories and past hurts and things you just haven’t let go of. You say, “I can’t let go of it. They hurt me too bad. I can’t forgive them.”

You’re right. That’s why you need Jesus. You don’t have it in you to let it all go. That’s why you’re still holding onto it. You need to be filled with the love of Christ and the peace of Christ. Until that happens, you’re not going to have the ability to let it go.

This season....offer peace on earth and goodwill to men!

Merry Christmas!

© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved. Rick Warren is the founding pastor of Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, Calif., one of America's largest and best-known churches. In addition, Rick is author of the New York Times bestseller The Purpose Driven Life and The Purpose Driven Church, which was named one of the 100 Christian books that changed the 20th Century. He is also founder of Pastors.com, a global Internet community for ministers. Pastor Jon Walker is a writer for
http://www.gracecreates.com/.
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The Motive that Matters for all Colors!

2008-12-07T11:43:00.000-08:00

Tammy and I had the pleasure of sharing with a wonderful group of leaders...servants...of Cookson Hills Christian Ministries this weekend. Cookson Hills offers help, hope, and healing to children and families, in crisis.

Our thanks to Rick Bayless, Executive Director, and Marvin L Gray, a mutual friend, for the opportunity to serve.

We asked for the ability to, in some way, strengthen and/or encourage the people of Cookson Hills in the work they do. We also prayed that we would be open to be taught of them, because of the deep admiration and respect we have for the excellent and enduring reputation of this wonderful organization.

Without a doubt the latter part of our prayer was answered.

For information about Cookson Hills, visit their website at http://www.cooksonhills.org/.

The men and women of Cookson Hills are people of character, who have chosen to invest their lives...their talents, their strengths, their core motives, in order to bless the lives of others.
Dr. Taylor Hartman often speaks and writes about "using your gifts to bless the lives of others." My understanding of that phrase was enriched as Tammy and I pondered and talked about the blessing of our time together with them.

No matter what your personality, your core color and it's motive, whether RED - Power, BLUE - Intimacy, WHITE - Peace, or YELLOW - Fun, our lives find their true meaning and value when we express them combined with the higher motives of service and love.

Charactered living is driven by service. Successful living is driven by love. These two motives are the essence of a life well lived. They are the "stuff" of leaving a lasting legacy.

Motive matters, no doubt.

May God continue to bless all the special people, associated in any way, with Cookson Hills Christian Ministries, by filling them with the fullness of who He is...always.

For all "Colors" on Red gift of "Vision"

2008-11-26T21:11:00.000-08:00

In his book, The 7 Secrets of Successful Sales Management, author Jack D. Wilner defines vision as "innovating a purposeful, organized search for change."

Vision has elements of invention (WHITE), entrepreneurship and challenging adventure (RED), curiosity (YELLOW), and purpose (BLUE).

There is always an element of risk in vision.

Visionary REDS, and those who learn to take on this gift, are long term oriented. They don't think in terms of minutes or hours, they think in years and decades. Dr. Taylor Hartman writes in "The People Code", "Reds think and live 6 months out." REDS can see the future, because their core motive of "power", creates it!

Consider this: Reds can see the future as easily as whites clearly see what is right before them...and as naturally as blues see the potential pitfalls and the details needed to bring quality...and as instinctively as yellows, living outside the box, see ways to innovate existing realities. All the colors can, and should, work in harmony, each orchestrating their innate strengths and gifts to actualize the vision.

Ray Kroc had the vision to turn a west coast hamburger stand into billions of Big Mac Sales.

R.H. Macy had the vision that a square block of stores, all under one roof, could become the mightiest retail enterprise.

Henry Ford had the vision of building a 6 cylinder automobile engine.

The list goes on and on.

To paraphrase from Wilner, Companies... and people, who share in vision, do not stand in the way of the rainbow road that leads to the glorious pot of gold.

When people of vision, work for a visionary company, both know there is no limit to high acheivement.

Colors and Motive in Grandchildren

2008-11-26T07:01:00.000-08:00

Color Code – Motive – and Children
Dr. Taylor Hartman teaches that our personality is innate…inborn…we came here with it, and…it is driven by a core motive. Your secondary color is the second most powerful influence in your personality.
Last week I had an experience that taught me about the power of motive in my 5 year old BLUE granddaughter, Ari, and my 6 year old BLUE grandson, Nate, and my 4 year old WHITE grandson, Eli. I will start with the boys.

Tammy and I had enjoyed a week with all 5 of our grandchildren, 3 boys, 2 girls. You see, the family took a vote and decided that I should fork over $400 to buy a Wii. (By the way…a Wii is pronounced Wee, and is an ingenious video arcade game that plays on your TV.) You can play all sorts of games with a Wii, like baseball, hockey, golf, tennis, bowling, and there is even an exercise program. ( I am staying away from that one!)
Bowling seems to be our family favorite game to play because everyone can participate, even the little ones.
I was having a great game while bowling with my grandson, Nate, a 6 yr. old BLUE. I had a spare and 2 strikes going. My best game ever! All of a sudden I noticed the TV screen. WHAT??? “Hey, where did the game go?” What happened, Nate?” (thinking yellow me had pushed a wrong button)
Nate’s response was... no response. I turned to my WHITE son-in-law, TJ and said, again, “What happened?” (T.J. is a typical WHITE TECHY kind of guy…brilliant…I knew he would have the answer)
"Nate reset the game." he replied, calmly.
“WHY????” “I was doing great!”
"Evidently he wasn’t." (T.J.'s response)
I turned to Nate and tried my best to reason with him, using logic, and disciplining him by making him sit out the next game. How do you think that worked with a BLUE?
There he sat, on the sofa…with a forlorn look on his face. Sad, very sad.
Trying to teach him a lesson, I started a new game of bowling, this time with his 4 year old little brother, Eli. Eli is a WHITE/RED so we thought!
Eli is also typical WHITE. Very good with high tech gadgetry. STRIKE…STRIKE…STRIKE! I became more engrossed in Eli’s rather amazing performance, than in my own. I was all excited and anticipating his fourth roll of the ball when I looked at the TV and guess what happened?
“What happened?”
“Reset again”, TJ said, calmly.
“WHY???!!!”, I exclaimed.
I turned to Nate who was still sitting on the sofa looking like he had just lost his best friend. “Did YOU reset that game too?” “Your little brother had 3 strikes in a row!”
“Guwwandad”, said Eli.
“What, Eli”, I replied, exasperated.
“I did it.”
“Why!!??” “You had a great game going.” “Why would you do that!?”
“Beecaauuse Nathan wanted to play with us”.

Ohhhhh….the strong influence of secondary color. Eli’s Mom had told me she thinks Eli’s secondary color is BLUE instead of RED. After seeing his willingness to sacrifice his own best interest for the good of his big brother, I am beginning to agree with her.
Amazing, simply amazing.

Coming up.....amazing insights into the BLUENESS of my grandaughter.

Kudos from Color Code International

2008-11-08T06:04:00.000-08:00

Hey, guys.
This is Jeremy from the Color Code corporate offices.
I just wanted to let you know that I jumped on your blog today to take a look. I loved it!
Your dedication to Color Code and your students always impresses me. Anyone who attended a training course with you would be in very good hands.
If you ever need anything, please let us know.
As the Executive Director of Color Code International, I would enthusiastically endorse your team and your services to any company or individual thinking of hiring you.
You have earned my trust, respect, and admiration. I have known very few trainers who have achieved the level of effectiveness that you have.
Keep up the good work!

Very best of living,
Jeremy Daniel
Executive Director
Color Code International

A Hand in Glove (Blue married to Yellow) Conflict

2008-11-03T05:47:00.000-08:00

One of our favorite times during Motive Training is taking time for participants to share Color Code Moments. Last week we enjoyed a story told by a couple we have grown to love and appreciate. (Names have been changed to protect the innocent...and not so innocent...ha ha.)

Carol is a wonderful BLUE woman with a long term marriage to her great YELLOW guy, Garrett.

Carol came home from work, her arms loaded with groceries that needed to be put away, before she fixed one of those delicious BLUE...quality, well thought out, and well prepared evening meals.

After enjoying dinner together, Garrett got up from the table and headed for his favorite Lazy Boy chair, while Carol cleared off the table and did the dishes. (in all likelihood :)

From his comfortable easy chair, Garrett hollered, "Where are those Cheez-its you bought?"

In "True Blue" fashion, Carol replied with a sense of moral correctness, "We just got up from the table. You don't need to eat those now. They are for a snack".

Yellow, fun loving, Garret replied, "I only ate one Sloppy Joe, so I could eat THEM! Where are they? I saw them when you unpacked them from the groceries."

"Garrett, those are for when I'm working and can't be here to cook for you. You can eat them...THEN!"

"I don't want to hear it"!!! (Garretts' response)

Silence ruled the remainder of the night...and all the next day...until Garrett shared this story with everyone at Motive Matters class that evening.

The rest of us in the room were laughing hysterically at an interpersonal conflict that didn't "feel" that funny at the time it was taking place in Carol and Garrett's home.

One of the great blessings of training Color Code and Motive is when couples begin to "get themselves", and are able to laugh at themselves. We are all rather funny when our "automatics" show themselves during everyday life.

As you know, I am a YELLOW married to a BLUE. I was laughing the most enthusiastically because I could SSOOOO identify with what had happened. BLUES often feel like they are called to teach the rest of us the "right"..."responsible"..."and most appropriate" manner in which life SHOULD be lived. Yellows just enjoy life in the moment. For a BLUE, it is just NOT appropriate...necessary...or healthy, to eat a snack after a good dinner. Blue Carol was probably feeling guilty that her homemade Sloppy Joes were, somehow, not good enough to satisfy her beloved's hunger. For a YELLOW, its just the thought of how gooood Cheez-its taste!!! As a matter of fact...now that I think about it....I'm gonna stop typing this blog, jump in my car and run down to Fastrip to get myself a pack of Cheez-its! Right now!!! :)

Do your work. Love well. Love you all. Thanks for sharing K & G! :)

Some REALLY good news from Motive Matters.com

2008-10-28T06:49:00.000-07:00

Just about one year ago, my BLUE wife, Tammy, and I were discussing how we could afford to keep taking the relationship tool of The Color Code to hurting people who were struggling in their marriages. We had been through that struggle a few years ago, after 25 years together, and we considering calling it quits. We believe it was the grace of God that brought this tool that helped us understand ourselves and each other better. Having a basic love and respect for God, and knowing that He made us different, helped us to begin to love and respect those differences instead of having them drive us crazy.
We had sold our business 2 years ago with the a foggy understanding that there was something else for us to do. A change was on the way. We knew it, but we didn't know what is would look like. A friend called us one day, asking to help them in their troubled marriage. "What did you guys do?", was her question. When we hung up the phone, we looked at each other and said, "whew...if we are going to teach others what we did, we should get some more formal training in Color Code. Over the course of the next several months, we enrolled in a course taught by Dr. Taylor Hartman, author of The Color Code. We studied. Boy, did we study. We put almost everything else in our lives on hold. All our children knew Mom and Dad were on a project. They supported us, they understood, and helped us in ways that we deeply appreciate.
After completing our training and testing, we began to train others in free and open meetings. Our first was with a group of close friends from our home Bible Study group. These friends know who they are. They showed up faithfully each week for two hours over the course of an entire month. A special thank you to these friends. You taught us so much about training, and we will always be grateful.
We were living off our savings and learning a lot about serving and loving each other...and others. The reality was we were beginning to realize that a savings account is a finite thing. I was sorely tempted to go back to my car business to make ends meet.
Then we would get a phone call, or an email, about how this couple or that had been helped. One couple told us of how they had their court date set before they walked into the first session we were having at the Southwest Missouri Bank Community Center. We couldn't help but notice how cold, and locked up they acted toward each other that first night. During the second session, we noticed them occasionally laugh at each other. Then during the third session, they opened up and told the class about how their relationship was being helped, and how they understood each other for the first time in their marriage. After the final session, we watched as they walked hand in hand to their car. This was when we realized that we were training a tool that not only made a difference for us, but that was making a positive difference for others too! We knew we had to find a way to stay with it.
Tammy made a phone call to The Miami Nation of Oklahoma in December of 07. She talked to a wonderful BLUE named Tammy Lowery, a grant writer employed by the tribe. Tammy told her our story and Mrs. Lowery was inspired.
She called us about a month later and said, "I found a grant!!!"
Over the course of the next several months, the two Tammy's and others at the tribe worked tirelessly writing the application document for The Association of Native Americans who would fund selected projects under The President's Healthy Marriage Initiative.
The deadline date for project submission had come. March 29th, 3:30 P.M. At 2:30, the files began to be sent to Washington D.C. Then, at 3:00 those files began to return to Miami OK. They were NOT COMPATIBLE... having been sent on a "Vista" operating computer. Tami Lowery assembled a staff of 10 dedicated souls who scrambled to their feet and began to convert the files and re-send them. Miraculously, they arrived in D.C., but they were eight minutes late. Mrs. Lowery was devastated. She had gone without sleep for two days. She knew that government deadlines are government deadlines. She was sure the project arrived DOA.
To the best of our ability we encouraged her to trust God. We thanked her for her selflessness, and self sacrifice, her hard work and dedication. We placed the project in God's hands, as best we knew how.
Late in July Tami called and said she had received a phone call asking for some budgetary changes to be made in the grant proposal. We were perplexed, and cautiously hopeful that maybe Marriage Matters wasn't DOA. She received another email communication in August requesting further changes. And then a phone call in September requesting some more information.

Funding date was October 1, 2008. Tammy and I were in Brownsville TX with our daughter, son, and our grandsons, preparing for a Color Code Relationship Workshop at their church. It was Thursday morning about 9:30 AM, October 2. My Tammy said, "well, no news," "I'm guessing that means we didn't get it. Tami (Lowery) is probably miserable, not knowing how to tell us the news." I said, "I am going to send her an email and try to set her heart as ease."

Just then Tammy's cell phone rang. Tammy stared, frozen, looking at her phone....all she could say is, "It's Tami!" "Well, answer it!, I said.

"Is Van with you?"

"Get him on the phone."

"We GOT IT!!!"

Well, the celebration was on!

The bottom line is this. The Department of Health and Human services is investing $250,000 per year within a 50 mile radius of Miami OK to promote healthy marriages and responsible fatherhood. A large portion will be used to advertise healthy marriage through radio, tv, billboard and other means of advertising. Part of the grant is to fund 24 - eight hour Color Code Relationship Training Workshops per year, for the next three years. Motive Matters is partnering with The Miami Tribe of Oklahoma to help keep marriages and families together by training the principles of Motive and The Color Code.

We feel privileged and humbled to participate in this journey of helping people. Please pray that we will do an excellent job, and people will be helped along their journey.

Thank you, to all of you who have helped and supported this work. Blessings to you!

Resolving conflict by understanding needs and wants

2008-10-25T06:38:00.000-07:00

Remember, the number ONE enemy of successful relationships is selfishness.
Is my life about getting or giving. (Getting my own emotional needs and wants met, or serving the needs and wants of others in my life)

Here is a real life example of a "Motive Moment" in our lives. I believe it is an example of relationship brilliance on the part of my wife, Tammy.

Here is the scenario:

Tammy's brother, Darren, works in Force Protection at The Pentagon in Washington D.C. We get to see him about twice a year. He and his family were at Tammy's other brother, Russ's house in Mount Vernon, MO. We were going to his house for a fare-well get together before Darren flew back to D.C. the following day.

Our 17 year old daughter, Stef is a WHITE. We had told her she could drive herself to Mt. Vernon after volleyball practice at 6:00 oclock.

Well....as sometimes happens in the life of a YELLOW, I was running late, and instead of Tammy and me leaving for Mt. Vernon at 4:00 oclock, we found ourselves leaving in the middle of a thunderstorm at 5:30. Tammy said, "I hate for Stef to have to drive on the interstate highway in this weather." I said, "with gas prices so high, it is ridiculous for us to take 2 cars when we are leaving 30 minutes apart." We decided to see if we could get Stef excused a little early from practice and have her ride with us.

Any of you who have teenage kids will appreciate how well that plan went over. As a white, she was looking forward to being by herself and independently driving to Mt. Vernon. I informed her that we needed her to get her stuff and drive home so we could leave ASAP.

She replied, sternly, "Well, I'm gonna tell you right now that I AM going to take a shower before we leave. I am sweaty and a mess! I am going to shower at home before we go!"

"See you at home", was my response.

Tammy obviously did not want to wait for Stef to shower. She said "how are we going to convince her to shower when we get to Russ's house. I want to go see my brother!"

Being YELLOW WITH secondary RED, and being a bit stressed by the whole thing, I replied in my determined, authoritative, husband, father, head of the house way...."Just TELL HER DAD SAID!"

Stef pulled up and got out of her car and started into the house. I watched as Tammy met her in the driveway and exchanged a few words with her. About 2 minutes later, Stef hurried to the car with a bag of clothes and off we went to Mt. Vernon. I expected my daughter to be angry and bitter. But NO! She was actually pleasant and conversed with us as we drove.

Only later, did I ask Tammy, "what did you say to her?"

"I said, Stef, if you would take a shower when we get to Russ's house, I could spend 30 minutes more with my little brother who is leaving for Washington D.C. in the morning."

Stef had thought about it for a couple of seconds and simply relied, "OK."

Tammy spoke the language of white to Stefany. LOGIC.

As a family,...the three of us...we had a great night together. If we had taken MY old approach, it would most likely turned out quite different.

I am so proud of Tammy's Color Code brilliance. She served Stef's needs and wants by being calm, soft spoken with some firmness, but very logical. She didn't try to force her way on Stef. She allowed Stef to be who she is and make a good decision logically, without mean harsh words having to be spoken.

This was a great lesson in the power of knowing what makes us tick, and using that knowledge and understanding to speak the language of the other person, thereby CREATING successful relationship.

Our needs and wants drive us too!

2008-09-24T07:15:00.000-07:00

Continuing thoughts on conflict resolution:

So…back to needs and wants of the colors.
How can your needs and wants get in the way of creating and sustaining successful relationships?
First of all, do you know your needs and wants? In your comprehensive analysis you will find the needs and wants of your primary and secondary colors. You may find a mixture of these needs and wants that are most important to you. “Humble up”, and honestly “get” your own needs and wants. This is part of First Base in the game of life, “Get Yourself”.
Your driving core motive is just that. It is the innermost impulse to action. The most powerful influence in your personality. Needs and wants come from the core of the motive. They also drive you to a significant degree.
I’ll give you an innocent little example in my own life. Yesterday, I was standing beside a house we are selling that was in need of some repair on the duct work. My friend, and fellow Color Coder, Ken Anderson is a contractor and was doing some of the other work that needed to be done. When it came to the heating and air duct work, HE said to me, “I think you might be better off to call someone who is a professional on that kind of work.” While we stood there...Ken, Tammy, and me…I called my friend Steve, who is a Heat and Air Repairman. I said to him, “Ken and I are standing here trying to figure out what to do on this and I said, why don’t I just call a professional?”
Ken and Tammy looked at each other with puzzled looks and then began to snicker to each other. When I hung up my phone, I said, “What are you laughing about?” Tammy said, “YOU didn’t say, let’s call a professional, KEN did!” “You are so yellow, you just want to look good to Steve!” She was right. (As a side note…my first inclination was to defend myself and explain why I did it, again...to look good. But the truth was she was RIGHT! Someone once said, “as soon as you begin to defend yourself, you cease to seek the truth”.
So, we all had a good laugh, and thanked God that we know Color Code!

POINT: My yellow need to “look good” automatically drove my behavior to misstate the facts. Innocent as it was, that IS what happened. How are your needs and wants driving some of your behavior?

REDS: Do you find yourself arguing with people all the time because of your need to be right and look good intellectually?
BLUES: Do you find yourself lecturing people all the time about how life should be lived because you have a need to be good morally, or your need to be understood?
WHITES: Do you find yourself retreating from discussing your feelings with people because of your need to be independent and have your own space?
YELLOWS: Do you find yourself lacking commitment and follow-through because of your need for freedom?

POINT TO PONDER: How are MY needs and wants blocking me in creating relationships?

More to come…stay tuned.

I was wrong.

2008-09-22T06:19:00.000-07:00

Last week, during a Motive Matters/Color Code class on relationships, Tammy and I shared a couple of examples of what, at the time, were serious conflicts from from our marriage relationship. Harsh words had been spoken, feelings were hurt, negative emotions were activated, insecurities showed themselves plainly. We were doing what all couples do…fighting.
During the class, someone asked, “So, how do get over it…how do you resolve it…what do you do when you are both mad, and hurt, wounded and both of you have your feet dug in, aggressively defending your positions?”
GREAT QUESTION!
Over the course of the next several blogs, I will share some of the things Tammy and I have learned to do. Some of these are “processes”, and some are “techniques”.
All of them add up to “skills” or “competencies” of one sort or another. They usually fall into the category of Emotional Intelligence (EI) skills, or Communication skills. The good news is, everyone reading this can learn to develop a skill set of your own. You may be weak and uncomfortable with EI and communicating feelings, like I was…but ALL OF US can improve!
Motive matters, a lot! Let’s start with motive, and needs and wants. (Be sure you know your own needs and wants from your core and secondary colors.)
Needs and wants are different from gifts and strengths. Whether your heart’s motive is clean or dirty, will often cause your needs and wants to create a wall that blocks successful inter-personal relationship.
Dr. Taylor Hartman says, “In my experience there are really only two motives that drive people; fear and love.”
William Young, in his brilliant Best Seller, “The Shack”, writes about the two choices we humans often make that cause us so much pain, hurt, and block us in our relationship with God and each other; selfishness and independence.
In my experience, I have found, when the motive of my heart is fear based…THAT is when I most often make choices that are selfish and independent.
When I open myself to be motivated by the power of love, I am much more secure within my own self. I am more secure in my two brains…my thinking brain, and my emotional brain. I am infinitely more capable of “owning” my own shortcomings and failures and admitting to them.
People who are secure, and motivated by love are empowered to utter those rare but beautiful, healing words, “I was wrong”. In his book, “Sandcastles”, Taylor Hartman writes, “You must be willing to be wrong sometimes. And in order to be wrong, you have to know you are still a legitimate and worthy human being. The person, who doesn’t feel he/she is intrinsically worthy, is always the most insecure party in conflict communication. The weakest link controls the relationship”.
The opposite of humility is insecurity. Always be checking yourself for defensive behavior. Defensiveness is the tip off that insecurity is as work. Fear and insecurity go hand in hand.
Taylor reminds us, “Secure people SEEK feedback from others.” During those times when this feedback is not perceived by you as being positive, remember…secure people genuinely respond by saying, “Thank you.”
Ponder these thoughts. Pray about them. Seek love. It is the highest motive for living a charactered life. More to come....

Make it last for a lifetime.

2008-09-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING TO LAST FOREVER, YOU TREAT IT DIFFERENTLY. IT IS SPECIAL…BECAUSE YOU HAVE MADE IT SO.
IF YOU WERE GOING OUT TO BUY A CAR TODAY…WHICH CAR WOULD YOU BUY?
If YOU WERE GOING OUT TO BUY A CAR TODAY…AND YOU KNEW IT WOULD BE THE ONLY CAR YOU WOULD EVER BUY, AND IT WOULD NEED TO LAST YOU A LIFE TIME…WHICH CAR WOULD YOU BUY?
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY….HOW WOULD YOU TREAT THAT ONE AND ONLY CAR, IF YOU KNEW IT HAD TO LAST YOU A LIFETIME?
1. YOU WOULD KEEP IT CLEAN.
YOU WOULD WASH IT, INSIDE AND OUT. IF YOU SPILLED SOMETHING ON THE CARPET, YOU WOULD SHAMPOO IT OUT SO IT DIDN’T BEGIN TO STINK, OR WORSE, ROT. IT WOULD BE A PRIORITY.

2. YOU WOULD CHANGE THE OIL, RIGHT ON TIME, KNOWING THAT CLEAN OIL IS THE LIFE OF THE ENGINE. IT WOULD BE A PRIORITY.
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3. YOU WOULD CHECK THE WATER AND ANTI-FREEZE REGULARLY, KNOWING THIS IS WHAT MAINTAINS AND REGULATES THE TEMPERATURE OF THE ENGINE IN THE HEAT OF JULY AND THE BITTER COLD OF JANUARY. IT WOULD BE A PRIORITY.
4. YOU WOULD PUT IT IN THE GARAGE EVERY NIGHT TO KEEP IT PROTECTED FROM THE ELEMENTS. IT WOULD BE A PRIORITY.
5. YOU WOULD PERFORM PREVENTIVE MAINTENANCE ON A REGULAR BASIS. YOU WOULDN'T WAIT FOR SOMETHING TO BREAK, LIKE A TIMIMG BELT, WHICH WOULD BNED AND BREAK LOTS OF OTHER STUFF IN THE ENGINE. IT WOULD BE A PRIORITY.

IN SHORT, IF YOU KNEW THIS CAR HAD TO LAST A LIFETIME, YOU WOULD TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT.
SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS MIGHT MAKE FUN OF YOU, OR EVEN CHASTISE YOU FOR BEING SO FINICKY ABOUT IT. THEY WOULD TELL YOU IT IS SILLY TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON A CAR. THEY MIGHT SAY, “I JUST DRIVE THE WHEELS OFF MY CAR, THEN I TRADE IT IN FOR ANOTHER ONE”. “YOU ARE CRAZY; NO ONE DRIVES A CAR FOR LIFE!”

NOW, WHAT IF I APPROACHED MY MARRIAGE WITH THE FRAME OF MIND; "THIS IS MY ONE AND ONLY MARRIAGE. IT WILL NEED TO LAST ME FOR A LIFETIME."
HOW WOULD I TREAT IT?
A LOT DIFFERENT, I SUPPOSE.

1. I WOULD KEEP OUR MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP CLEAN, INSIDE AND OUT.
LIFE HAS A WAY OF DEPOSITING IT’S DIRT, GRIME, AND ROAD FILM ON OUR RELATIONSHIPS AND ON US. AND WE ALL STEP IN GREASE ON OCCASION OR SPILL SOMETHING STICKY ON EACH OTHER UNINTENTIONALLY. (A RUDE OR SARCASTIC COMMENT) UNCLEANLINESS IN A MARRIAGE CAN BE ANYTHING FROM AN AFFAIR, OR PORNOGRAPHY, TO UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS, AND SELFISHNESS.
KEEPING MY MARRIAGE CLEAN REQUIRES SOME DETAIL WORK. I NEED TO KEEP MY HUMILTY SOAP AND MY HUMBLE VACUUM CLEANER IN GOOD WORKING ORDER. KEEP IT CLEAN. IT IS A PRIORITY.
2. REMEMBER; MARRIAGE IS A 3 WAY PARTNERSHIP. I NEED TO KEEP THE OIL OF GLADNESS, THE OIL OF HEALING, THE OIL OF ANNOINTING, CLEAN AND FRESH. CLEAN OIL KEEPS DOWN THE FRICTION OF MOVING PARTS, YOU KNOW. IT IS A PRIORITY.
3. I NEED TO CHECK THE WATER AND THE ANTI-FREEZE. I NEED TRUTH TO REIGN IN EMOTIONS AND STAY REGULATED. NOT TO HOT…NOT TOO COLD. A GENTLE WORD OF AFFECTION THAT BUILDS SECURITY AND TRUST WHEN IT GETS HOT…AND A LITTLE ROMANCE WHEN IT STARTS GETTING COLD.
4. I WOULD PLACE MY MARRIAGE IN A SAFE, PROTECTED PLACE AT NIGHT. GOING TO SLEEP ANGRY LEAVES THE RELATIONSHIP EXPOSED TO ALL KINDS OF DAMAGING ELEMENTS. THE WINDS OF RESENTMENT, THE HAIL OF BITTERNESS, THE SLEET OF DISCONTENT. THE SAFEST PLACE FOR MY MARRIAGE IS IN THE GARAGE OF RE-TURNING TOWARD EACH OTHER, FORGIVENESS, AND GRACE. IT IS A PRIORITY.
5. I WOULD MAKE TIME TO GROW MY MARRIAGE BY SPENDING TIME WITH MY WIFE AT A MOVIE, OR DINNER, OR A GOOD COLOR CODE MEETING. RENEW THE BASICS OF COMMITTMENT, SHARING FEELINGS, LISTENING, HOLDING HANDS, PRAYING TOGETHER. KEEP IT IN GOOD SHAPE, NOT WAITING UNTIL SOMETHING BREAKS. IT IS A PRIORITY.

YESTERDAY, I ATTENDED A FUNERAL. I WATCHED AS A WIDOW OF A 52 YEAR MARRIAGE, RAISED HER RIGHT HAND IN WORSHIP OF HER HEAVENLY FATHER WHO HAD BLESSED HER WITH A LIFE LONG RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, HER HUSBAND. THE VALUE OF LIFETIME MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIP WAS RENEWED WITHIN MY MIND AND HEART. I AM SURE THEY HAD THEIR DIFFICULTIES, AND TIMES WHEN IT SEEMED IMPOSSIBLE TO GET ALONG, BUT IN THE LONG RUN, THEY CHOSE TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF EACH OTHER.
AND IN THE END, I AM REMINDED, ONCE AGAIN; WHEN IT IS ALL SAID AND DONE, LIFE IS ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

The Cracked Pot

2008-08-23T20:33:00.000-07:00

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water, at the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house." The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Romans 26-28 (Message Bible) Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

To all our cracked pot friends....bless you!

Moving empathy to sympathy

2008-08-21T07:40:00.000-07:00

em·pa·thy (µm“p…-th¶) n. 1. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.
sym·pa·thy (s¹m“p…-th¶) 1.a. A relationship or an affinity between people or things in which whatever affects one correspondingly affects the other. b. Mutual understanding or affection arising from this relationship or affinity.

The third skill of EI (Emotional Intelligence) is Empathy, the ability to feel what others are feeling.
Just knowing that you have that capacity can change your relationship life. You must develop this skill in order to move to the fifth skill of EI which is “The art of managing emotions in others…the art of relationships.”
Empathy and sympathy are related words, but there is a difference that is significant.
Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, reminds us that we are instructed to be sympathetic. (Col. 3.12) Sympathy is like empathy on steroids. It is good to be empathetic, it is better to be sympathetic. Empathy is like knowledge, sympathy is like empathy with legs. Empathy acknowledges the feelings of another, sympathy moves you to be “affected” by the acknowledgment of those feeling and to share the joy or the burden of those feelings in what we call fellowship and relationship.
Warren writes, “Sympathy meets two fundamental human needs: the need to be understood and the need to have your feelings validated.”
“Every time you understand and affirm someone’s feelings, you build fellowship. The problem is that we’re often in such a hurry to fix things that we don’t have time to sympathize with people. Or we’re preoccupied with our own hurts. Self-pity dries up sympathy for others.”
Being in a hurry (RED), or self centeredness (YELLOW), or being reluctant (WHITE) will ruin opportunities in which you can DEVELOP your number 3 and 5 skills of Emotional Intelligence.
We should be reminded that each and every time we practice a skill of EI, neural pathways are created and expanded. In simple terms, if you are learning to be a good listener, every time you stretch and do the hard work of paying attention to what someone else is saying, you physiologically become a better listener. It gets easier!
The higher motive of charactered living that moves empathy to sympathy and relationship is love.

Red (female) White (male) RESPECT

2008-08-15T14:29:00.000-07:00

Respect in a Red (female) – White (male) Relationship

When a red does something, they look for respect. When a white does something, they look for respect. So how can two logical colors who desire the same thing be at such odds? The answer may lie in their secondary colors, but you can often find it when you look deeper into their core motives. Reds are so productive, moving from A to B, demanding the respect along the way, and then moving on to the next project. Whites have the clarity to step back and determine what is the right decision rather than just simply making one to make one, but will also take into consideration what makes them feel best inside and what creates the least friction. They too want respect, but they will not ask for it. Instead, they will be more resistant to offering their clear perspective on the Red’s next project, playing the passive-aggressive role that drives Reds nuts until they either get the respect they want or realize in their seemingly infinite clarity that their performance on the Red’s next project is more important than waiting around for that respect that may never come. However, don’t forget that this trade-off still adds to the bag that Whites carry with them wherever they go. The Red may continue to get what they want, but this will not last if they don’t stop and realize that theirs is not the only agenda.

This may seem to be a fairly common combination in today’s society where the male is the dominant partner and the female is the submissive one. But what happens when the woman is the Red and the man is White? The answer as we have heard before is that personality is not gender-specific. In one particular relationship that I know like this, the Red woman is in fact the one earning the income, moving from A to B, staying busy, and getting things done. The White shows his appreciation and perhaps being the best one to understand how she needs respect since he does too, but somehow he feels like he does not get that same respect reciprocated back to him. It is not the Red wife’s intention to be hurtful or domineering in any way, nor necessarily even an attempt to try to defy societal gender stereotypes, but rather to show her love and appreciation for their partner and family by staying productive and financially providing for them. Don’t mistake this for Blue martyrdom, because it is really the intense and unmatchable focus of a Red who loves a good challenge.

Unfortunately the White can feel left in the Red’s wake, standing there with their arms stretched out to the sides as if to sarcastically say “Ummm, you’re welcome!?” or “OK, I did for you, now what about me?” The Red takes what they need, offers a simple yet often seemingly non-heartfelt thank you, and moves on. If the White has any secondary blue, he immediately recognizes the lack of true emotion, and will sit stubbornly at point A until the Red turns back and hastily tries to pick up after herself, or the White’s logic takes back over and realizes that getting to point B and moving on is more important at that moment than his emotion that just popped up. No one ever really notices it, but now the White doesn’t feel good inside. They may reluctantly keep moving forward, but again do not mistake this for Blue martyrdom. This is still one of the major downfalls of Whites because not only will they constantly feel disrespected, put down, and bad inside, but when the Red does this enough times and fills the White’s bag, he is bound to explode. And we all know what an unpleasant thing that is, even for a Red.

When the White realizes that he has no time to stop and passive-aggressively wait for that ever-so-needed respect, he will set his emotions and his agenda aside and once again “take one for the team”. The Red doesn’t realize it, but they can doubly add to the White’s bag in this situation. In their desire to always be right they often will try to one-up the White and shove it in their face that they were right and that he just needs to fall in line and do what she says. Instead of taking advantage of this opportunity to hear the White out and at the very least offer them the respect of their opinion, the Red has a tendency to stomp it out, or even if they do give the White five seconds to give their perspective, they simply tune it out and think of what they will say in response instead of listening. The White is stuck between a rock and a hard place because he knows that giving in to a Red is not always the best option, but at the same time he knows that it will keep the wheels greased at the expense of feeding her Red ego.

So how does one solve this dilemma? Well as the Color Code teaches, we all must strive to become more charactered individuals and stretch beyond our core color’s comfort zones by acting in our own strengths and in the strengths of the other colors. If the Red will make an effort to slow down at times and make the White more comfortable in their own skin while showing them the same respect that they want, they will help to lighten the White’s bag and make them much more apt to helping the Red get things done and do them more efficiently. On the flip side, if the White will make an effort to speed up at times and help the Red by eliminating the unnecessary emotion from important decisions, they will relieve some of the stress on the Red to get things done and allow the Red to either move on to the next project or give them a chance to stop and recharge their batteries so that they can keep moving. As in any relationship there must be a fair amount of both give and take. In the Red-White relationship, no matter who is what gender, there can often be a lot of White giving and Red taking. But if they can each make a conscious effort to create more of a balance in this flow, their clairvoyant power makes them perhaps the most diplomatically productive combination you will ever see.

When is the mission accomplished?

2008-07-27T08:06:00.000-07:00

Blue Tammy has just returned from 4 days in Tulsa with our 16 year old white daughter Stefany attending Fellowship of Christian Cheerleaders. (Now that’s an organization we should all be members of!)
While she was gone, my secondary Red influenced me to get a lot of “stuff” done around the house. I layed bricks on our porch that had succumbed to the winter freeze and broken off. I cut and trimmed all the grass. I trimmed trees. I made the bed…big deal for yellow…cleaned the kitchen…bigger deal for yellow…even did a load of laundry…borders on miracle for yellow man. Tammy and I were both pretty tired and spent when she arrived home about 5:00 o’clock Thursday.
Friday morning while relaxing on the deck she says, “You kinda hurt my feelings yesterday”. “I did?”…How?...please tell me”.
“I started to show you pictures from camp, and tell you all about the wonderful time of connection I had with our daughter and all the girls, and you seemed disinterested”. “It made me feel unimportant”.
Motive Moment…She really did appreciate all the “things” I had done around the house, she did praise me for all my work! But in the end, as a Blue she “needed” to be understood, accepted, and appreciated. She needed some of my undivided attention, listening from my heart, to what she was feeling in her heart.
Reds love you by doing and providing. Blues NEED connection from the heart.
A RED once asked me, “When do you get to the place where a blue feels understood…like mission accomplished”. I replied, “When do you Reds feel like you’ve been respected enough, so the rest of us can feel like mission accomplished?”
Needs and wants are 24-7-365. Creating successful relationships is a journey of a lifetime. An exciting journey, full of wonder.

You may make a Blue feel understood at 9:00 o’clock, but guess what, they will still need to be understood at 9:15. The needs and wants of the rest of the colors work the same way.

We see life different. Good relationships happen when we make life about the other person, speak their language, and serve their needs and wants in love.

Call me WHITE, because I am.

2008-07-25T09:29:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Tammy and Van,
I have to thank you and color code. I went to a wedding today for someone that was a friend while I was in high school. Her whole family was a big part of my life growing up. I just wanted you to know that prior to color code I would have talked myself out of going. Call me white because I am. I definitely allowed my fears to keep me from others. I have not always been this way. I was very outgoing in high school but I have allowed events in my life to build a wall of fear to contain me. I used my responsibilities of family life to keep me from experiencing life as an individual. I have truly missed all the people that were very dear to me while I was growing up. I can't quite describe the feeling. I had to overcome some fears of inadequacies to enjoy my life and to serve others. How rude of me to withhold myself from the people that were so much a part of my young life.

I wish the evening could have lasted a little longer. Goodnight.

Developing Character

2008-07-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

Developing character (learning to embrace and learn the strengths and gifts of colors outside your core color) is hard work. And, it can be scary. Trust me, I can DO Yellow...no problem. But finishing something I start...doing the job with the best quality...remembering where I put my car keys...at times seems impossible.
This is what I have decided to do. This is what I tell myself, "Don’t wait to feel powerful or confident. Move ahead in your weakness, doing the right thing in spite of your fears and feelings. This is how you cooperate with your desire to grow, and it is how your character develops."

STAY THE COURSE!

2008-07-17T07:36:00.000-07:00

Remember your personality and your automatics are very strong and we easily fall back into the ruts we are used to traveling in life. The work of stretching outside our comfort zone (our rut) is hard work and requires our determination, our desire, our self control and our conscious decision to CHOOSE the charactered path.

Life is all about creating great relationships. The three gifts for the journey, HUMILITY, COURAGE, AND GRACE, will help you as you continue to walk in the HIGHER MOTIVES of SERVICE AND LOVE! Continue to do your work and remain 100% responsible for creating and sustaining a good relationship with all the people in your life.

Color Code and Motive Training is not a quick fix, it is a new way of seeing life, seeing ourself, and seeing others. It is a wonderful tool that will help you as you “do life!” When you are serving others by meeting their needs and wants, by living in your strengths, and by making the ultimate motive in your life….LOVE, your relationships will grow and you will create a lasting legacy of great relationships, and a life well lived!

I KNOW that as you begin to value and appreciate the wonderful gifts of the people in your life… as you begin to understanding that people see, hear, and feel life differently,….when you begin to focus on the wonderful strengths others bring to your relationships….and as you learn to identify and defy your automatic “wall building” behaviors,…. YOU WILL, as Van and I did, begin to reap the rewards of a GREAT MARRIAGE and GREAT RELATIONSHIPS!

Bless you as you travel!

Thank you, MO DOMH!

2008-07-17T06:59:00.000-07:00

Last week, Tammy and I, had the privilege of sharing the message of relationships based on Motive (The People Code / The Color Code) at Innsbrook MO to the Executive Team, Commissioners, and Staff of the Missouri Department of Mental Health at their annual retreat.

Tammy and I were so impressed by their professionalism, their courtesy and willingness to participate, and their character.

It was a special opportunity to share our experiences of how the understanding of Motive, helped Tammy and I restore, create, and sustain our marriage relationship. These people have developed successful careers, are tops in their respective fields, and give of themselves to help and heal hurting and broken people every day. Being among people of such credentials reminded us that our greatest credential for training relationships is our own failures.

A special "Thank you" to the men and women of The Missouri Department of Mental Health.

The truth is we all struggle, from time to time, with relationships. We must never underestimate the power of committment to see us through challenging times. Love, the feeling, almost always follows love, the choice and behavior. Stay the course...work...stretch...serve...and love well. The reward found in relationship is the gift of the essense of "Life" itself. Life is all about relationships!

A new member of our Family!

2008-07-14T06:44:00.000-07:00

Life is all about relationships.

Today, my sister Susie (Core Blue with secondary Yellow) taught us just how true that statement is. Susie recently spent a week in Africa serving and loving people. While there she met Didier. Didier (pronounced Didyay) is 22 years old and has been an orphan most of his life. His life was spared, as a child, by hiding under the dead bodies of his parents after they were slaughtered by rebels in this most troubled part of the world.

Didier and Susie created a relationship. He asked if he could be her son. Would she be his Mama? Of course Susie was pleased to say yes. So, I have a new nephew, and brother, in Africa.

This is an email he wrote to his new Mama yesterday. It is a MUST READ, and speaks volumes about what the ultimate MOTIVE for living…LOVE…and LIFE is really all about. Thank you, Susie.

Dear Mama,
I first of all inform you that I am well satisfied of the whole labour than on my behalf, Mama; I don't know how I can show my gratefulness in the short letter as such. I feel your affection, love in my heart. I saw the picture of my whole family and I was very pleased. You will tell to all tat I love them so much. I a planning one day to see them. I have faith in God that one day I will be with them. Mama don’t be afraid I will obey you in my all student an professional life. I will follow all your advices. I will accept all your calling in term of need. You are the person I love so much though the far distance I am with you in spiritual realms even in my all thoughts. You can’t have a sleep because of me who is your son, I will never stop thinking *g about your contacts that you had became of the parenthood towards me. It will be a very big history to generation and generations, In Africa an in USA. I accept that it was at the last minutes that we let its was God Plan. Be sure and conscientious that I have all my confidence in you. That is why I have accepted to tell you all secret that are inside me. The Lord chose you to be my mother and my family. I will never fear nothing. I have faith that I will be a man who will represent you in Africa. Because I do not have any other member in Africa. I love you so well. I will write to entire family to whom you gave me the emails address and I will reserve copies to you.
Thank you, I will follow all you told me regarding my family.
You will read in the Bible in Ruth 1:16, 17,18
Your family is my family regarding God and You. I keep wait the package that you sent me. Would you send me your photo, together with Daddy so that I may be able to identify you well. Mama, I want to talk to you something wonderful which I did not live in Africa, Mama, at my current age, I have 22 years, I never seen or hear people saying about my grand parents in Africa. There is no, any history about them. Today I get my parents in USA. Ooh! Glory be to God. God who spared me to the terrific war, he wants to slow me the wonders of this world. I will glorify you in my all life. I will never hide all that you are showing me. I will testify it in the whole world. I will embrace them, here I say on my grand parents, grant mother and grand daddy BENSON. Mum, tell them that I need to see their picture and if they can tell me in short about their story or if they have written any book, they can send me a copy. It will help me to know them spiritually, historically and physically. Mama, tell them that I have said that they are the blessed people as Abraham as they reach this age. At the moment I telling I am also blessed to get my parents in the USA, Mama tell them that I wish them good health forever. I am attached to them, I thank them or having sent me things which will support my studies.
May the Lord bless them.
Please excuse me because I replied in late.
Thank you
May God bless you
Your son
Didier

Oh, the wonder of secondary colors!

2008-07-07T07:55:00.000-07:00

Van, I made a comment during your Motive Matters class tonight and you asked me to post it on your blog. Being blue, I didn't forget, so here goes:

My husband is yellow with less than 1/2 percentage point to his secondary color, which is blue. As a result, he carries grudges but does not remember what it's about. After I made my comment tonight, my husband leaned over and said to me: "Consequently, I'm often in emotional pain and honestly can't tell you why!" Have fun with this one!

2008-07-04T08:09:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all the men and women who have paid and are paying the price for us to enjoy freedom today with our families. As you laugh today, hug today, play today….with every bite of those charbroiled hot dogs…be thankful for the sacrifice of so many, who have given so much, for the cause of liberty. Freedom is not free.
Here is a link to a beautiful and thought provoking video created by my son Gregory Fish. Hope you enjoy it. Have a wonderful day of freedom.
http://www.sermonspice.com/videos/9347/freedom-is-not-free

30th Anniversary Celebration!

2008-07-03T17:18:00.000-07:00

Last night was absolutely amazing!

Tammy and I were scheduled to do the final session of Motive Matters training with about 90 of the most beautiful people we have ever met. When the Pastor of Damascus Road Outreach, discovered it was our 30th Wedding Anniversary, he offered to postpone for a week so we could be together to celebrate.

“No way!”, we said. We had already talked and decided we couldn’t think of any place we would rather be, than with this group, training them in The Color Code, the very tool that helped us so much in the past 5 years.

At the beginning of the meeting, I opened the floor for anyone who wanted to share about how The Color Code had helped them. One after another they came to the microphone and told stories that humbled us so deeply. A Red mother who has come to understand her White teenage daughter. A White teenage daughter who is getting along so much better with her Red mom. A Yellow husband and Blue wife who have endured a lot of conflict in their marriage, who said they now understand each other and their life together is already sooooo much better. A Red Dad who has color coded all 5 of his children and is taking the time to connect with them individually.

Special thank you to Bonnie and Tommy for the beautiful red, blue, white, and yellow flower arrangement, and to T.J., our son, for 5 hours in the kitchen baking those delicious red, blue, white, and yellow cupcakes! You guys are the greatest!

A Special thank you for each and every hug that came from you special people at DRO. We love you so much.

I just want to say a deep and sincere thank you to Dr. Taylor Hartman for the blessing you are in so many lives. Thank you for writing The People Code. It has helped me restore my marriage and has brought such harmony, understanding, and love to our entire family.

I know Taylor’s heart. He, in his humble, loving way, would say, “You did the work, no one could deserve it more”.

Do your work! Stretch! Serve the needs of others! May love be the motive that drives us at our core.
Life is all about relationships!

Question?

2008-06-30T18:32:00.000-07:00

Q - How many BLUES does it take to change a light bulb?

A - Already done. Would you like something to drink? Is it warm enough in here for you. Would you like for me to take your coat?

Q - How many REDS does it take to change a light bulb?

A - None. You only report to them.

Q - How many WHITES does it take to change a lightbulb?

A - What's the problem. I kind of like it the way it is.

Q - How many YELLOWS does it take to change a lightbulb?

A - Honey, I bought us a new lamp! That one was broken.

I HEAR YOU!

2008-06-30T17:20:00.000-07:00

I am a yellow married to a blue. I want to share with you two of the most important truths I am learning from Motive Training and The Color Code.

1.) Blues NEED to be understood.
2.) Yellows are self-centered.

When you combine two humans in a relationship with these two facts, the walls can go up in a hurry.

When I (yellow) come home from work and ask her how her day went, guess what? She actually wants to tell me! Ugh! I was just being polite! Look what I got myself into! Now, I have to sit down and play like I am paying attention. This is hard to do when I haven’t caught the evening news yet, I am hungry and thirsty, and what I would really like to do is go get on my tractor and relax.

But being a good color code citizen, I try my best to listen.

Oh no! Bill O’Reilly is on! “Hang on a second sweetheart, I just want to hear Bill’s talking points”.

Big mistake.

“It’s OK honey, maybe we can talk later. You go ahead and watch your TV show”.

Not good.

“You just blew it yellow”, I tell myself.

“You sure did, Mr. Self-Centered”, myself replies.

You see, there is NO WAY for me to understand my blue wife without taking the time to listen to her. Note: I did not say “hear” her. There is a BIG difference between hearing words…some of the words…between distractions, which we yellows are so inordinately prone to, and LISTENING FOR UNDERSTANDING.

So, here is what I did, and still do on occasion.

I turn off the TV, sit down, face my wife, and put my hands over the tops of my eyes, as if shielding them from the sun. Now I have my blinders on. I purposely shut off the outside world, both sights and sounds so that I can focus my attention on what my wife is truly saying.

Some of you blues who are reading may be thinking “this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of!” Before you wander off too far down that trail,, you should understand that my blue wife knows I am yellow…self-centered…and easily distracted. She knows that I am learning about the needs and wants of blues. She is my partner in my personal growth process. She knows I sincerely want to do better to meet her needs. So…although she smiles at my technique initially, she quickly realizes that it is working…for both of us!

Weeks and months have gone by. I have continued to “do my work” of becoming a good listener. I seldom need my blinders nowdays, however I DO squint my eyes to remind myself to pay good attention when she is sharing her thoughts and feelings with me. I do get an occasional “stay with me” from her when she knows I am struggling. To her credit, she is doing her work by shortening her stories a bit, out of respect and understanding of my core color.

Do your work. Serve each other’s needs and wants. Remember…it’s NOT all about you!

And all the Blues and Whites said,…”Amen”.

And all the Reds and Yellows said…Ugh!

BLUE WIFE

2008-06-26T05:25:00.000-07:00

I am a BLUE wife and grandmother with lots to do, errands to run and details to take care of. It seemed I spent half my life waiting for my husband. Many times I wanted to scream "Hurry" but learning my husband is an "easy going WHITE" has helped me to wait faster.

One Little Nut!

2008-06-20T12:02:00.000-07:00

Motive Matters, a lot!

I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. The main drive belt on my Kubota lawn tractor broke. UGH!

Armed with my hodgepodge assortment of tools, not a one in it’s proper place, I took a deep breath and crawled under the tractor to see what I was up against.

To my dismay, it became apparent that the belly mower would need to come off and be taken out from under the tractor, in order to remove the belt. My mind raced back to the day, 8 years ago, when I purchased the bright, shiny, orange tractor. I distinctly remember the salesman telling me the wonderful benefits of having a “Quick Disconnect” belly mower! Quick…maybe…if you are a certified Kubota mechanic….or GOD!

An hour and a half later my “Quick Disconnect” belly mower was out of the way. As I prepared to remove the belt, it became obvious that one little nut, holding a pulley in place, would need to be removed to install the new belt. “NO PROBLEM”, I said to myself. I reached for my trusty ratchet, lucked out and found the right size socket, popped it into place, rolled over on my back, and slid under the tractor for this fairly simple removal of one little nut.

You are right. It resisted my effort.

“NO PROBLEM. I’ll get my hammer”. After sliding out, getting to my feet, and taking note of the various and sundry pains that were coursing their way through parts of my body I didn’t know existed, I again returned to the object of my “FIXation”, one little nut!

Bang! Bang! Bang! “Hmmmm”. BANG! BANG! BANG! BREAK!
“Got it! Success! It moved. I did it! That's the way to be determined and persevere!”

I put down the hammer and took hold of the ratchet to remove the nut. “What?” I then discovered that what had moved…was the little gears inside the ratchet. Ratches are not engineered to be beat on by hammers, evidently.

"Cheap, no good ratchet!"

“NO PROBLEM, I’ve got another ratchet around here,…“somewhere”.

After repeating the BANG! BANG! BANG! BREAK! process two more times, destroying two more perfectly good ratchets with amazing precision, the thought crossed my mind, “my way is not working so good”. So, I decided to seek some advice from someone more knowledgeable in the affairs of removing one little nut.

The friendly man at our local hardware store provided the knowledge and coaching I needed, and for $12.86, I headed back to my one little nut, armed with what he said was “THE RIGHT TOOL”, to get the job done. It was what is called a 30 inch breaker bar. (For those of you who are tool challenged like me, this is a large, long handle that allows you to get leverage on things…like nuts.)

Again, I crawled under “da owanch twacto”, as my grandchildren call it. I took a deep breath, carefully placed the socket over the nut…….and steeled myself for a mighty push.
To my shock…and amazement…I had hardly began to apply force at all, when the little nut humbled itself… and freely let loose it’s grip on the bolt holding the pulley in place.

For the next few minutes, I lay on my back, sweat dripping, looking like a homeless person needing a shower, unshaven face splattered with grass clippings and dirt clods from the BANG, BANG, BANGING, 30 inch $12.86 breaker bar lying across my chest, staring up at the filthy underbelly of a lawn tractor, pondering the deeper life lesson I had just learned.

Sometimes in life, we all need someone else. Maybe we aren't meant to do life alone.

Sometimes we need someone else, with a little knowledge, and the right tool. We can greatly benefit from all these, IF, and WHEN, we have the humility to admit that our way is not working and we need a little help.

Motive training and The Color Code is a lot like that. At the 25 year mark of our marriage, we were banging on our ratchets trying to fix the nut we just happened to be married to. The understanding of MOTIVE, and what drives me and my wife, at the core, helped us to leverage our strengths, to begin to remove the obstacles to a successful relationship. Note: I said remove the obstacles, not the relationship itself. Tragically, to often, our culture and our society today is practicing “throw away” marriage. If something is broken in the marriage, just throw it away and get a new one. This is expensive, and a tremendous waste of family, history, and resources. (There are times when removing from the relationship is the best thing, such as when there is abuse.)

Effort will always be required. But with the power of knowledge, and the right tool, effort can be efficiently applied with a successful result. I often tell struggling couples who are wondering if Color Code will help, “If your way is working, stick with it!”. “If it is not, perhaps we can give you some knowledge and provide you with the right tool that will help”. The same principle applies to professional relationships in the corporate world in which we train.

Tammy and I do our Color Code work everyday. We are both married to a human who can be sort of “nutty” at times. But with God’s help and the right tool, we are able to create great relationships. And as you know….Life is all about relationships!

COLOR CODE Moment from a RED mom!

2008-06-17T04:17:00.000-07:00

"But Mom, you're a RED! You think you have to control everything!" Tearful words coming from my beautiful, sixteen year-old BLUE/WHITE daughter as she attempted, between sobs, to explain why it was so important that I trust and believe in HER instincts. A year ago, before Color Code, my response would not have been, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I'll try harder honey." Difficult words for a RED, motivated by power and who likes to be right all the time. Thankfully, Color Code has allowed me to look at the relationships with my family and friends through new lenses. Because of Color Code, I am able to embrace our differences and see and cherish the uniqueness of each of us. This journey into self-awareness and acceptance has not always been easy. Some days I take two steps forward and three steps backwards. But, when I look at the smile on my teenager's face, the tears all gone, and all is right with the world, I know this journey is worth it!

My new name...Rrrandad

2008-06-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

Hi dear friends,
Where do I begin? Writing my first entry on our blog about MOTIVE, and why it matters to me…
"Rrrraanndad!!!!" That is the exclamation that shreeks from my 2 year old white (motivated by peace) granddaughter Addy, the moment her eyes get fixed on me. So that is my new name, Randad!
My four year old granddaughter Ari, who I am becoming quite sure is a blue (motivated by intimacy, an emotional connection of the heart), knows my real name, but shouts it with the same flair and enthusiasm…Grandad!
I am a yellow, motivated by fun. But for all my life, the fun I sought, was fun that was all about me. Fun, as I define it…on my terms…my time frame. So giving attention to my own children as they grew up had to fit in sometime between work at my business, followed by the evening news, then Bill O’Reilly, or whatever else I wanted to do. Motive training is teaching me to destroy, bit by bit, the number one enemy of relationships…SELFISHNESS. I suppose I will spend the rest of my life in this battle, but I am winning in life more than I used to. Remember the game of life is like scoring runs in baseball. (Playing Life to Win-Dr. Taylor Hartman, soon to be released!) 1st Base-Get Yourself, 2nd Base-Get Truth, 3rd Base-Get over yourself, Home Plate-Get others.
What this looks like with my granddaughters is something like this:

Ari- “Grandad, want to go play school and I’ll be the teacher?”
Me- (I’m watching Hannity and Combs…and it is a very interesting interview about the race for the presidency) “Sure! Let’s go!”

Or, it may look like this, as it did two nights ago:

I am going to feed the dogs…for me, a chance to escape for a few moments by myself, which I enjoy. Instead…to my granddaughters I say;

Me- “Wanna go with me to feed the doggies?”
Ari and Addy- “Yeah!!!”

I let them scoop the food into the bowls. Evidently, this is a task of monumental importance, because I watch as they do it with such seriousness and a feeling of great accomplishment. Then the thought crosses my mind…

Me- “Wanna go for a night-time tractor ride?”
Ari and Addy-“Yeah!!!”

They hop onto my lap, each one squeezing one of Randad’s arms, as I fire up the old green John Deere, turn on the lights, and the three of us begin our adventure into the back yard with Cheyenne (my German Shepherd) and Nugget (my dear blue mut) close by our side…anxiously waiting for the bugs that will fly into the air, be illuminated by the lights of the tractor and try with all their might to escape the snapping jaws of playful dogs. Our adventure takes us amidst the old pine trees where Ari beckons me to let her pick off a pine cone. And then begins the endless questions and answers about what a pine cone is, what it is for, and how a big beautiful pine tree grows to be in the first place. We stop, in the dark...turn off the old engine and look up into the star filled sky. "Rrandad, da Moooon!" Addy announces. "God made The Moon, Grandad", Ari says, as she replays for me her lessons from Sunday School. "Wooowww! He is sooooooo smart"! I reply.

After a few more laps around the house, at their request, I let Ari turn the key of the old tractor to off. "Well girls, that sure was fun". "Yeah, Rrandad, daasfun"!, Addy says as she makes her way from the high altitude of my lap to the safety of solid ground.

In 9 days the game of life will continue, but with different players. It will be Buddy, Bubba, and Buster (Nate, Eli, and Sam), my grandsons! They are coming all the way from Brownsville Texas. Most people think they are coming for a vacation with their Mom, my beautiful blue Emily, but God, and I know the truth. They are coming for a nightime tractor ride with Grandadad. (That is my name, given by Nate, when he was 2.)

Know why I love The Color Code and why motive matters to me? Because it has helped me to learn how to CREATE a relationship with my grandchildren. They LOVE Rrandad and Grandadad! That’s me! And I am learning how to love them, by making my life about them.

In the game of life, I have scored a run! I have crossed home plate for the team.

Life…it is all about relationships!

MOTIVE MATTERS!

2008-06-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

For years, people have tried to explain our personalities based on WHAT we do….behavior. THE PEOPLE CODE, by Dr. Taylor Hartman, identifies the true wonder of MOTIVE. Personality, based on MOTIVE, is far more insightful. Once you have an accurate reading of a person’s core personality, anchored by MOTIVE, you will always know who they are, how to create a positive relationship with them, and what action or reaction you can most likely expect from them. As you begin life with a new understanding of MOTIVE, you will never see yourself or others the same again! Let the journey begin....happy life!